Friday, August 18, 2017

Hurricane Deterrent, not recommended for oceans.

In our ttwd journey, I've received untold numbers of spankings, with many discussions about our dynamic and how I'm processing those spankings. We exchange feedback on effectiveness of implements, positioning, formality of punishment vs. reminders, how frequently do I need him to check-in, what kind of post-spanking TLC is best?

Identifying what type of attention I need is mostly not difficult. Fun spankings are fun! Fun, sexy spanking lacks the heightened drama of a punishment, as all is well. Reminders are what they are, maybe we're in a house full of people, or on vacation with the children and I'm slipping out of my role. Easy enough to put me on notice. Attitude adjustments are a bit of a reset, but I've not gone too far over the line.

I've provided ample opportunities for Dominic to read my body, evaluate how I respond to punishment. Plenty of tales from that front. As all good things take time, some things like stress relief, have remained a work in progress. Figuring out best practices for us in this dynamic is a good, good use of our time.


While spanking is a stress relief for me, I had not been spanked solely for the purpose of calming my brain to help me with stress. I usually run straight ahead to trouble! I've read posts where this has been very effective for some of you. I've also read too good to be true versions in Kindle romance stories! We've read what works for others. But we're all uniquely wired. To prevent Hurricane Madeline from making landfall, we both have to understand how & why my storms build.

When I might need a preventative spanking to address the ever burgeoning stress in life has been hard to identify.  I don't realize I've started to spiral emotionally until I'm already pulling away. I'm aware of how unhelpful this is... I've not been able, until recently, to clearly articulate to Dominic why him having and enforcing high expectations is so helpful for me. His leadership as HOH as grown as I've articulated the why. As my understanding of us and this dynamic has evolved, I've been able to give him more feedback as to why I benefit from his decision making and physically feeling that I am his. When new to this dynamic, my feedback was vague and muddled. Then I'd wonder why he was inconsistent or hesitant with me.

As we're at a point in ttwd I could have never imagined us getting to in those days, I know we are only here because we used our words. 

The past few weeks of life have been frustrating and exhausting. However, the subsequent meltdown provided a much needed catalyst to discuss how exactly he prevents severe storm damage. The weather channel says early warnings and ability to distinguish different types of storms are critical for hurricane preparedness, so we've done our homework!

While I recognize that my communicating more often and more clearly is critical, there are signs as clear as an increased ocean swell that I need some help. When the edge is creeping in my voice and I'm obviously biting back a snippy retort, stress relief is needed. If left unchecked, the chances are pretty high I'll dig myself in deeper.  Same for when I'm distant and answer his "How are you?" with the infamous "I'm fine." This response is likely accompanied by my avoiding eye contact, fascinated with the suds in the sink. When I've let my spinning brain win, I'll curl up in bed away from him and not budge when he curls up next to me. (How cringe inducing to type out! I know I do these things, but here's my brattiness in all its glory!)

Sometimes stress is best handled by a long bath, weeding the garden in silence, eating a treat I don't have to parcel and share with little hands, or sleeping an extra 20 minutes. Yet even if magic pixie dust gave everyone in our home 12 hours of sleep per night, I'd still need a good spanking just because that's the thing I need.

We knew we were long past a bubble bath calming me down. I needed him.

So we discussed, with me giving more input than I would before any other spanking.  I sank into a zen-like relief, mixed with fire from his belt, because he spanked just to show me he's here, that he recognized I felt crazy and everything will be okay. As I pull back when I need him the most, the vulnerability of being bent over the bed for him to methodically spank shredded any illusion I have that I can hide. The message was not that I was in trouble for pulling back, but with every new wave of fire, drilling in a message I could believe in my core: I don't need to hide from him.

This spanking wasn't an archaic mean husband trying to break his weak wife of an undesired behavior. This was him treasuring me so deeply that he went to this place I needed from him because I so badly needed relief from the emotional spiral weighing me down. While an impressively powerful spanking, it still can't change the circumstances of our stressors. It can bring me to a place of surrender where I connect to him at a deeper level. Spanking brings out my surrender to not only letting him in, but craving him. Strengthening our bond makes every single life circumstance easier to handle.

The habits I brought into our marriage have been developed over my lifetime.  My defense mechanisms of shooting my mouth off or pulling back have nothing to do with my husband. Those habits are hard wired, but his hand on my butt is harder! When he spanks, he's fighting for me and I am reminded of very important truths about us.
  1. He loves me, for better or worse, sane or off the wall crazy. 
  2. He expects and believes I'm capable of better.
  3. Most importantly, he is demanding I let him help me. He's doesn't expect me to cope or shake off bad emotional habits on my own. But he will not leave me in that fight alone.
We've gotten 3-4 hours a sleep every night this week. In the midst of this, he made time to give me an outlet to process my overwhelmed state. He spanked over the bed instead of the couch he uses when I'm in trouble. He clearly distinguished that no, I was not "in trouble." He was lighting this fire solely to help me settle in to face whatever came at us the next day and I had better speak up if it was not helping.  

It helped. 

Tremendously. 

The rest of the week was not any quieter, we didn't get more sleep, our days were full. But I felt settled in, mind quieted. He commented tonight that I'd handled an issue very calmly. I certainly wasn't signing off on that issue, it's really frustrating.  But I felt calmer and in control. I realized he wasn't the only one giving in this spanking. I felt better because he'd given me an opportunity to give myself to him and show him I trust him to take care of me when I am not at my best. 

I suppose this stress relief spanking is a bit like a chiropractor visit, I'm back in alignment with him. 

14 comments:

  1. Vigorously nodding in agreement!

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    1. Thanks for commenting, this dynamic brings so many good things!

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  2. M,
    Now that is one well written essay. You are masterful at telling us how things work and why they do. Stress relief spankings are not common here because I work at giving up the control and lean in. You have more on your plate and I am glad you have a way to solve the oncoming hurricane before it makes landfall. Madeline, great post.
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you, Meredith! I'm encouraged by your validating that we really do have a lot on our plate and it's not forever. No shame in needing his help with this season.

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  3. Madeline,
    First off, I really love the metaphor you used on this post. A hurricane heading toward its destruction. There was one other place where your words really touched me. The whole passage about treasuring you so deeply. What a wonderful way to describe what our husbands do for us.

    Loved this post,
    Ella

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    1. Hi Ella, I know my husband has had his own processing to be comfortable being the guy behind the paddle, causing the pain and tears. He and I talk about these things but as I wrote, I really wanted him to feel my gratitude for all the things he does. HOH may not have a sore backside, but they've got a hard job! Hope you're enjoying the weekend, Madeline

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  4. An excellent post, extremely well voiced. You described it well.
    --Baker

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    1. Thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone in benefiting from this thing.

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  5. Excellent post Madeline, you explain it so well. Love what you said about him treasuring you too.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz, treasured far outweighs the feelings of exhaustion and soreness!

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  6. Ttwd is hard work but as we've all seen, the benefits are an amazing tradeoff.
    I love the connection and the communication you write so well about, understanding needs and what satisfies them is sometimes a lifelong quest. It would seem that you've done lots of homework here. It's always great to hear that an HOH understands how different our needs are and responds in that perfect way that allows us to move on with a smile on our face and a big sigh of relief knowing that he has us and all is right in our world.

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    1. Love getting to that sigh of relief, not always excited about what we have to do to get there, but oh how it works!

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  7. Loved this post, Madeline! One of my favourite parts is where you say "we used our words"! A concept first heard perhaps, as a youngster of pre-school age, it is an incredibly simple concept. At the same time, in a relationship years later, it is incredibly easy to forget to do so.

    Being treasured by the one you love is so very special! Loved reading your truths too. Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Hi Katie, I'm reminded of the little poem "All I Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarten." Things like be kind and play fair are awfully important for a healthy relationship, especially a kinky one ;)

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