In my lurking on ttwd blogs, I wondered why so many were ahead of my season in life. We are in our 30s, with small kids underfoot. I haven't seen much of that in blogland.
I recently had a lightbulb moment on why that is. This dynamic takes time and energy. Scarcities in our season of life. It's rare when all things are running seamlessly here. A ball is getting dropped or there. I grow frustrated when ttwd is on the back burner because it feels like we've put US on hold. The times I need to be taken care of the most are when we have the least amount of time to deal.
Transition periods with our kids are horrifically hard. It's not possible to refill me often enough to keep pouring into them. It's easy to default to knowing I'll get by without any needs being met. But right now, I'm too tired to throw the fit I feel looming. Is this growth that I'm not slamming doors? Or a sign of how exhausted I am to be this resigned I am to things being hard? I'm not yelling or even pretending everything's fine. I'm tired, this week sucks, I want to let a lot of things go, but I'm just too tired. So mentally tired that I can't even say I know how this will end... he's burned out too.
I know this season is fleeting, but some days we go from good to 6 feet under, drowning without realizing we've left solid land.
Hi Madeline, You have my sympathy. I have absolutely no idea how anyone with young children can manage ttwd. WE were almost empty nesters before we started and I do think this has given us an easier time of it. We are now early retired and have all our time for each other. It definitely would not have worked for us in our younger days. At your stage in real life I think you just have to give yourselves a break. You have to find the fun , stolen moments, rather than a constant worry. Life is tiring enough.hugs
ReplyDeletelove Jan, xx
Hi Jan, waking up to your message was so encouraging and very much appreciated. My children certainly sing Let It Go enough, I should take it to heart! :)
DeleteHi Madeline, you have my sympathy also and I agree with Jan. I don't know how those with young children manage ttwd either. There are a few other bloggers in the same situation. Life does often overtake and ttwd ends up on the back burner for many of us, regardless of what season we are in.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Hi Roz, grateful for your encouragement. Life will always be life, I know there's not a season looming where everything will be easy and intentional time together happens without effort. Thank you! :)
DeleteHi Madeline, Like the others said you have my sympathy also. Bear and I tried this when first married until our children came along. Then it went out the window as there were too many disruptions with little people around. So we took it up again once we became empty nesters and our life is wonderful. Couldn't be happier.
ReplyDeleteHang in there it will take time and effort. Good luck!
Hugs Lindy
Thank you! We've back burnered at times and I suppose I got a little pouty, thinking this crazy week might turn into months. Appreciate the encouragement!
DeleteMadeline,
ReplyDeleteI could echo the same sentiments as above, but I thought of something someone said to Sam and me when we were right at your stage of life. She said, "The nicest thing you can do for your kids is to stay in love."
You may have to plan your ttwd moments. Find a friend or family member to take the kids once a week. We even belonged to a babysitting co-op. You earned free baby-sitting hours by taking someone else's kids for a while.
Start a private journal - even just a paragraph a day that you share only with him. Self-talk is not a sign of craziness! It's a way to cope.
Stay strong,
Ella
Ella, thank you for the helpful suggestions and reminder that taking care of us is in the kids' best interests. Dominic particularly liked the babysitting co-op idea. Journaling is a good too, there's plenty I'd like to share with him throughout the day that completely exits my mind by the time I've got him alone. Thank you for the encouragement!
DeleteYou are right, it's not easy when there is no time and you're both exhausted. We often have to delay our much needed time and when we can't there might be a quick closet visit to get us through the crunch until we have the time we need to take care of things.
ReplyDeleteSuch is life at times. Ella's idea was good, try to eke out a little time for yourselves somewhere through the week, you deserve it and it makes for better parents when you can have time alone together. Hang in there, your time will come.
Quick closet trips are good to remember! I appreciate all of you sharing and encouraging us today. I wasn't looking at anything with much perspective. Thank you!
DeleteHey, there, Madeline,
ReplyDeleteThere are a few of us in the same boat. Hoss and I are a bit older, early 40s, with a ton of children. It can work. It's just super hard. Survival mode here often, which is why it's taken me so long to even come around to visit here, but it is possible. Hugs, I totally get it.
--Baker
Survival mode, that is life right now. I'd like more time to shave my legs, but I know I'll miss the stages my kids are at right now too. Thanks for "getting it" alongside us.
DeleteM,
ReplyDeleteWe have all been there and often still remain there. You know....... days drag on and yet suddenly the year is gone........ Even without the young, little ones, time now races and we work to find the time for us. Now I know that must sound funny, but we all get busy. I love the little journal exercise suggested by Ella and Laurel. You simply turn around and the kids are grown and the first sign of gray appear in the mirror. The trick is to show one another love and respect through all that mess. You can do it. Lots of us have so been there.
Meredith
It means a lot to be cheered on by those of you who have run this race and survived it. :) Your comment that you still have to find the time was thought provoking. The good things in life always take intentional effort to make happen. So glad to have your encouragement and experiences as we keep growing.
DeleteMadeline... I am here via Meredith's introduction. Welcome to our circle. Here you will find many different opinions and styles of TTWD. Friendships are made, some personal and in real life some via email connections. We all have one thing in common and that is to find our way through this lifestyle that best works for our relationships. I have just read your posts and appreciate your openness. I love the title of your blog as well. I definitely related to your second post and I look forward to reading and getting to know more about you and the boss. My blog is: My Sir, My forever love. I have taken a step back on purpose from blogging, but plan to resume soon with an explanation as to what lead up to the silence and what we have learned and accomplished during my time away. But for now, welcome to our neck of the woods.
ReplyDeleteHi Annabelle, thank you for such a sweet welcome. I love that this community has unique ways of doing ttwd and is so encouraging. I look forward to hearing more from you when you're able to be back. :)
DeleteMadeline I would like you to know that I have made some dear friends in the blogging community over the years. You will find a lot of support and you now have an outlet to process what is going on with your version of TTWD. Your posts are heartfelt and many of us identify. Again, welcome.
ReplyDeleteMignon
Thank you! I was a bit surprised, but so grateful to find so much support so quickly here. Glad you could identify, its so nice to know others can relate to living this way.
DeleteHi Madeline,:) I understand. As the mother of four- now young adults, I have to say that I too wonder, had I discovered ttwd back then, if it would have been successful. I think that one can make it so. Your relationship as a couple is priority, and a sound and loving relationship makes for loving,secure children. At the same time, we have a responsibility to love and care for our little ones, through all kinds of times. It is hard! I think back on those wonderfully, wild days filled with little feet, sweet kisses, big messes, sometimes tired tears- all of it. At the end of the day, when the kids were finally in bed, I remember feeling happy, but also like I had nothing else to give sometimes. Those moment when you just want to be by yourself for even a few seconds! Then there was the end of the day exhaustion that went with all of that! Looking back though, I wouldn't trade it for the world! It indeed goes by way too fast! Had I known what I do now, I would have given so much more to my husband- even when I felt that way.
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing with ttwd. We are privvy to some pretty important knowledge. It's a lot about communicating, and how we do it. So, even when you are completely exhausted,etc., tell your fella. Perhaps sit on his lap for a hug and a kiss. Tell him how you feel. Keep your communication rolling, even if you can't come up with the energy to enjoy each other with spanky business or sex. I wish that I had known what I do now, about how best to treat each other/communicate back in the day. It was all good, but it could have been great I think.
You got some wonderful suggestions above. I hope that you can carve out some time together on a regular basis, as it will help. Together, as you both can move forward, you will figure out ttwd, that is just right for the two of you. :) Just my own experience, but hope that it helps a little. Many hugs,
<3 Katie