Hiatuses end with a splat.

The hiatus ended with a bang... or I guess I should say splat.  The paddle was dusted off the shelf, once it was found. Our closets are a bit of a mess and the gentler paddle used for maintenance wasn’t easily accessible. If I’d known the grand, big paddle would make an appearance I might have organized his side! 

I get the best sleep of my life after he’s worn me out. I think I subconsciously wonder if we are really back in our dynamic. I feel good, the spanking and post-spanking attention leaves me sated. But once I’m away from him during the day, I have bouts of anxiety at being away from him. Even when I’m squirming from soreness. That connection is good! I don’t want it to end to head back to work or do the laundry. 

I think that’s where submissives sometimes find themselves earning a punishment or needing another round so soon after the hiatus ends. I’m sore, I don’t really want to feel that mean paddle again. 

But we are heading into Thanksgiving and family events. I want to be present and calm. We know what buttons need pushed to keep me there. I remember at the beginning of this dynamic, when I needed more so often, I would think we’d done something wrong! Maybe I wasn’t trying or he hadn’t been stern enough or spanked severely enough? We know that is not true at all now. We are doing it right for us, and that means I got spanked last night and I’m going to need a few more spankings before Thanksgiving dinner is served. A tight grip makes me hyper aware of his presence, reminding me in the midst of our chaotic life that he’ll take care of me. The holidays can be a tempting time to fall out of DD habits, but it’s most critical. Even if Dominic can understand why I’m being short, knowing he’ll spank as soon as we get home is a good deterrent. It’s not just because it’s going to hurt (which it does!) but knowing he’s in tune with me. I can adult on my own, but it’s so much easier to do so when I feel supported by his leadership. I need to feel that leadership for it to really sink in. 

I realize these words will be used against me... but it’s all true. When Dominic gives me grace, I resent it at the same time I’m relieved! It means a lot to me that he empathizes with my frustrations and state of mind, if he didn’t I wouldn’t be inclined to trust him with that nasty paddle! But, I still need the closer. 

Now that I’ve all but sealed my own fate... 

Oh, is it nearly December?!

Well this absence is embarrassing. Am I even qualified to post in this universe?

From realizing I’m still up at 2 AM cleaning, starting the morning snapping at my husband, unplanned trips to the store and impulsive, scattered purchases without any discussion let alone permission, things are all out of whack in our house. I remember sometimes “I probably would be in trouble for this, but we are so tired.” It’s not outright defiance as much as survival mode. 

We’ve weathered the school year transition with our children in healthy places. I had a major surgery that I've just now felt like I've recovered from. Naturally, we've slid into not connecting. Healthy, connected relationships don’t just happen. The good stuff takes a lot of time and effort, sometimes we don’t have any margin left for it. It's understandable, as much as we know DD is worth it... it's just not advisable while recovering from surgery and taking pain meds every 4 hours!

I've settled into my grumpy bossy pants. We’ve been processing our stress internally, knowing the other is tired and annoyed with it all too. Spanking would absolutely have not been safe so it’s not a complaint that either of us have been slacking.

But I’ve recovered though and the reckoning is coming. Coming just in time for the holidays where DD is so very, very required!

I've just assumed Dominic knows how flustered and out of control I've felt, how overwhelmed I am just grocery shopping or anxiety over our children’s Thanksgiving outfits. (Absolutely absurd. Did your mothers have you in special outfits for Thanksgiving? Mine never did!) 

All the slip ups aside, our biggest challenge will be getting back into checking in- me going to him and telling him I need am off kilter. Us taking the effort to use a few minutes to reconnect even if it's only a few minutes. It's tempting if we do have an hour to catch up on shows, go to dinner, or do laundry... not focus on our roles.

During the day I'll think how I really miss an intense, round the clock dynamic and the accountability. By night time, I'm not sure what day it is or if I have the energy to brush my teeth though. I do know I've pushed Dominic to the end of his patience with my smart mouth so the reckoning is coming... at least I don't have to sit through Thanksgiving Dinner. The up and down of keeping children fed and happy at family gatherings means I won't sit more than a few minutes anyway!