A hello and introduction.

The internet scares me.

Yes, I posted that on the internet.

They say the true cost of something is the amount of peace and life you give up for it.  So I pro-con making an account on a forum and joining conversations.  The cons win. It frustrates me. I really wish I could talk openly, in real life, about the secret to success in my marriage. I'm hopeful this blog doesn't result in nasty comments or judgement. If you're looking for a fight, head to Twitter. That sort of thing seems to be en vogue there.

Our thing that gives me power to say no to things that don't add value to my life, my sanity, my marriage, my family, etc is a choice we made, a concept I advocated for... 100% safe & consensual.

It's the thing that's given me confidence in responding to that voice in the back of my head when I know something isn't right for me. When I know there will be negative consequences down the road, that there will be a physical or emotional toll if I stay on that path.

I hesitate to say we "do" any one type of "thing". How do you label the back and forth communication in a marriage? Someone always has the power. Sometimes a couple agrees quickly and moves on. Other times there's a tension, a power struggle, and someone has to make the final call.

I adamantly refused to vow to obey my husband. I had to get my way in all the things, all the time in order to be a modern, independent woman.  I made my little stand, but in all reality,  my attitude, tone, behavior, spending and time commitments already reflected the influence of the man I'd fallen in love with. I omitted that little word, but 24 hours after our marriage, we ordered a pizza at our hotel. I responded with my maiden name to the kid taking our order.  My husband told me to try again. I grinned and corrected the name on our order.  I liked how we fit each other into our lives. I'd never heard of any of the terms that bring people to blogs like this. I didn't know there was a label for the little power exchanges happening all day long.

I did know something for absolute certainty: despite any fits and fussing from me anywhere else, despite his full support and respect for my professional goals, when he took me to bed, I was his. He was in tune with me from the beginning, watching me, reading me, adjusting to give me what I needed. He prodded feedback from me, ultimately resulting in my sharing a long-secret desire to go over his knee.

But life and parenting keep happening. A light erotic spank here and there. Depending on stages of pregnancy, recovery, hormone adjustments, toddlers in our bed, sometimes we felt like co-managers of the Kingdom of Small Children Who Never Sleep.

And yes, the book about the Seattle billionaire triggered a conversation. The book drove me a bit crazy, but I couldn't put it down. So I looked for others like it....

and hello to all of you, spanko-s of the internet! I had no idea you existed! I found books, blogs, very in-depth websites, etc!

When we hit a point where our marriage and home life needed a RESET, I started talking to him about the things I kept finding online. We were at the peak of my scheduling our family at a nonsensical level of busy, the children weren't getting enough of either of us,  we weren't getting enough of each other, I had zero margin in my mind or jampacked day to graciously handle a dropped bowl of cereal.

I hungered for the calm bloggers claimed to experience, the peace when marriages had one captain at the helm.

I shared e-books and links with my husband. I nudged him to learn more about these people practicing what they called "Domestic Discipline", or d/S, some of you called it TTWD. I loved the blogs about Dominance and Submission and the e-books that covered so many varieties of how couples practiced this. I shared which scenes sounded like fun, did they sound hot or more seriously, some of these rules and expectations might help me.  Yes, this man taking me in hand and handing him the reins sounded hot in my head. Adding these elements in reality scared me a little. As we went further down this road, I realized it was a tool to help us fully be each others. I hide when I feel off, insecure, not enough. I pretend things are fine and if I just try a little harder, everything will be perfect. My choices become what I think he'll want rather than discussing my needs, all the things in life that happened before we found each other and impact who we are, I try to hid that. A perfectly cooked favorite meal and perky attitude will make him happy, will make me a good wife, right?

No.

Because hide and seek always ends... Something triggers a cutting remark or eye roll. I stomp through the bathroom and fling a towel in a huff.  And it all comes tumbling out.

Intentionally acknowledging we do best when he leads and I trust him has cut through the guessing games. These dramas are incredibly short lived at our house now. My moods come and go, as do his. But I start talking faster.  He calls foul on the crap before it really gets going. I bite my tongue more often and ask myself why I'm so bent out of shape. Is it really a basketball game? Is it really him staying up late on his computer in the den? Am I really that mad he didn't take out the trash?

I'm not sure what you could say we do. How do I say, "I've been his submissive since X day." or "We've practiced this dynamic for X years." I've known this man since 2006. He eventually became my husband, the father of my children. I can put a date on the first time we discussed rules in a formal, intentional way.  We have children who do what all children do: require everything we've got to teach them how to be human. Sometimes they need us when we'd really love to have some time before bed to reconnect.

We have rules, we have consequences, we know which days of my cycle call for stress relief, which weeks I may need a bit more grace and when all hell will break loose if I'm not on a very short leash. But it's his call to make.

I'd like this to be an outlet for those days when I'd love to be able to share my frustrations, lessons learned, and funny stories from my never ending quest to practice submission. If this isn't your thing, then move along... There's a lot of negativity in this world, nothing gained by adding to it, right?