If being able to Mom in less than 5 hours of sleep regularly is a sign of a good parent, then I’m the absolute worst. I no longer have newborns. But I share life with small children and animals... so I am majorly sleep deprived. I wish I could go back to sleep, but that’s not in the cards this morning. That’s my disclaimer to not overthink anything I blog.
I.am.so.tired.
je suis fatigué
Je suits fatiga
The biggest rule of all the rules that is a punishable offense got broken. This level of offense hasn’t happened in quite some time. Mild disrespect, playful bratting, throwing up attitude, safety things like messing up medicine, staying up all night reading... my husband has great concern for all of those things. But the top shelf offense is losing my shit. I grew up in an angry, irritable household. My parents (who are fantastic, just human) were often careless with their words and processed their own junk within earshot of their children. I still can feel the anxiety and unsettled nerves I felt as a kid when I heard raised voices. I asked my husband before he was my husband to help me with this. I didn’t want to carry those toxic behaviors into my home and pass unhealthy emotional regulation to our children.
So my incredible man steps in and takes over situations with the kids when he can see I am just spent. He shoots me a look, smacks my butt, or squeezes me tight to get my attention when he sees that I’m fraying. He’s worked very hard alongside me to handle the stressors of life in a healthy way.
I’ve prayed before that God would zap me with lightning before I ever caused any kind of harm to my children. I didn’t get zapped with lightning but Dominic’s implements come pretty close.
We’d had some really great stretches of days. Dominic was working late, but I had dinner done, the kids fed and all signs were there for a smooth evening. I really wanted smooth evening for him as he has been working 12 hour days. About ten minutes before he came home, my kids sprouted horns. Dominic walked in right as I was absolutely losing my cool. Really crappy things flew out of my mouth at a horrifically high volume.
I felt a rush of relief when Dominic walked in. We all immediately calmed and told him about our day. He helped me get the kids bathed and to bed. Then he struck me with lightning. Not sure if all children were asleep, he stuck with quieter implements that take extra effort for me to keep quiet with.
I was not looking forward to this. It wasn’t to relax, reset, or rev me up. The mood was I don't care WTF were you thinking, that doesn't happen here. As I stood in the bathroom with my hands on the edge of the tub, I realized there are a few things that always are at play when I let anger overwhelm me.
I’ve been subconsciously making decisions based on others expectations for what working mom, wife, or my role at work should look like. I got dinner done yesterday, but missed the signs that my kids needed to connect with me. Dominic prioritizes their well being over a home cooked meal or dinner on the stove when he walks in. That man will eat frozen pizza or a sandwich without complaint if it means peace in his family. My parents help us a lot and it’s so appreciated. I don’t take it for granted that my kids get so much grandparent time. But sometimes I fall into doing what my mom would do or what she’s mentioned in passing instead of checking in with Dominic. As Dominic whaled on me, I realized even if family relationships aren’t bad, they still need boundaries.
When I shut out the outside voices and influences and look at Dominic and I’s marriage and the family we are building, we are a good team. We’ve got this. Our kids have their struggles but we are blessedly on the same page in connecting with and handling our children.
The day has started with co-worker drama, weird weather, and lots of opinions from my parents. Looking back, I should have checked in with Dominic twice regarding some kid issues. By the time we got to my freaking out episode, I likely wouldn’t have felt so defeated.
I was tired and quiet when Dominic finished spanking. He was a little worried by my silence so I reassured him I had never felt I deserved a spanking more. The entire day had exhausted me. As I drifted off and then was up half the night with those darling children, I kept thinking back to how calm I was when he walked in. Oh I knew I was toast, but that was far from the forefront of my brain. I was just so very relieved he was home.
My lightbulb thought was this is why we do DD. To silence everything else in our lives, to physically push it all away. When I feel like I probably need more or don’t feel settled after a spanking, it’s not a reflection on how Dominic spanked or my inability to submit. I realized yesterday that the louder the outside influence, the more thoroughly I need spanked.
We enjoy plenty of sexy spankings, attitude adjusters, gentler reconnections and stress relief. We don’t fit in any one box of power exchange dynamic, we do what works for us.
My meltdown of all meltdowns reaffirmed why the Domestic Discipline spankings are part of our marriage. I desperately needed my husband calmly and sternly to tell me WE come first, WE are enough and our expectations and dreams are all that we will focus on. He does that when he stops what we are doing, communicates that, and yes, turns me fire engine red.
Protected. Cherished. Post-spanking and on very little sleep, that's how I'm feeling.
