Saturday, February 9, 2019

How's DD going?

We either have time or we don't. We're either too exhausted or we aren't. But it's never super far away. I was at home with a sick kid who was throwing up on me. I managed to not impulsively shop online and text Dominic when I saw a need for things. But when we go awhile without having time and throw in schedule dysfunction, it's really hard to get back into our roles. We functioned through illness and the world didn't end. Because of course I can do all the things and my husband carries his load as well. But when the dynamic feels like the its gathering dust on the back burner?

It happens sometimes. We usually have some kind of re-connection/clearing the slate/reset/whatever you want to call it. There are discussions but it comes back together. This time a perfect storm of extreme, hopefully once in a lifetime scary situation, some really good news, illnesses, and snow days had destroyed all mature functioning in my brain. I had zero ability to regulate my emotions. Punishment was absolutely earned and Dominic was ready to enforce our rules.

And I could not submit. I just couldn't do it. I kept arguing even as I bent over our bed. My pajama pants were down, I was in a "submissive position." I was anything but that. I just got angrier and angrier. So I stood up and announced I was not doing this and I was going to bed.

An incredibly frustrating night for Dominic. He tried to enforce rules and handle issues very quickly after they occurred. I could have communicated how badly I needed a good nights sleep. But I didn't. I stayed defiant and kept running my mouth. Usually I can feel my uneasiness build when life is moving too fast and we aren't connecting. This one hit me out of the blue because the fast pace had gotten sort of normal. We were functioning okay day to day and keeping up with the chaos. I was telling him what I needed him to help with, not asking, not discussing the day to day and deferring to his ideas. Not accepting his offers to help with pickups or errands. If it wasn't going to kill me to do something, I did it. I don't know if I was harboring some subconscious expectations that he would magically fix our schedule or just start telling me no? Maybe we'd been so far out of our roles I was spiraling without intentionally trying to get his attention? It's a good reminder that this dynamic can't function on auto pilot. Even when we get into a good grove, we can easily fall out of it. Physical attention is how I get back into my role.   Dominic knows this.

But my attitude was so ridiculous that I stood in the way of that. I'd been in a Type A mode and couldn't comprehend something not being on my terms. I obviously needed sleep along with a serious spanking and sex.

I forget submission takes some humility. Submission is so much more than my husband calling the shots in our sex life or my asking before swiping the debit card or making plans. Those are things I gravitate towards and mostly aren't a struggle. (Mostly. Authorized spending and asking before making plans have needed a lot of reminders.) I'm going to keep chewing on this word humility even though I really like being right.

And this is the post my husband will probably print and frame as a reminder of why we do this thing.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Head colds and the world's longest Christmas break have gotten in the way of our weekly check-in. Christmas break really has gone well but it is time to end. Our children have been out of school over two weeks with several days below freezing and a whole lot of family time. Kicking off December with an adults only getaway and a short leash when we returned was the perfect way to get me through the holidays. My darling sister came to town and I usually want to strangle her. She is best described as completely unsubmissive to the point of just being a jerk to her husband. But I didn't lose my cool. The spanking endorphins did the job.

But after an endorphin rush comes a crash... and my crash came on top of a cold and a far too long Christmas Break. This house needs routine. We are a mess without it. The kids' bedtimes were off and my head felt like a pressure filled brick for over a week. I thought I was feeling better on Sunday. Sunday is our regularly scheduled but doesn't always happen maintenance night. I desperately wanted to re-connect and get back to our normal connection. I didn't even last ten spanks with his hand. (Which are no joke, but I can take plenty more.) So he stopped. I went to bed. Dominic gave me Nyquil and brought me a large glass of water that he wanted me to finish before I fell asleep.

A few days later we had our absolute worst adventure in parenting to date. So tonight I hoped we were back to normal as I attempted to make dinner. Homework drama turned into the world is ending kind of drama and another kid tried to "help" with the steaming Instapot. And I was all done. So I grabbed the curious little helper (who did not get burned, thank God!) and snuggled us in bed with a movie. I just walked out of the kitchen and shut the bedroom door. The baby* and I ate cookies for dinner and I'm not really sure what happened with what I cooked, but no one went to bed hungry and the kitchen was relatively clean Everyone went to bed early except me. I started at my Kindle for a few hours.

*The baby is not a baby anymore but my last kid will always be the baby.

Why are these random, vanilla stories important? Because I didn't make crappy nights worse. That's major growth. My reaction to being too sick to spank and too emotionally exhausted to finish dinner didn't turn up the shark music. In our rookie DD days, I would have either sucked it up and let Dominic keep spanking me because I wanted to "be submissive" or I would have been mad he didn't know I was sick. It's been years since I thought our roles involved mind reading. What a relief. I tried because I really felt like I could handle it and I let Dominic know when I just couldn't. Communication is all he wants. Submission looks like talking. I didn't stew on the failed spanking. I went to sleep because I was sick. I didn't worry about when we'd try to make it up or if I should try to show my submission somehow. I used to worry about "doing this right" all the time.

New to DD, I would have powered through dinner growing angrier with myself for having a chaotic house and feeling like a "failed submissive" because I couldn't even get dinner on the table. Serving dinner at a special time is not one of our rules. Looking back I see how much I stressed our dynamic out and handicapped our progress by putting unspoken expectations on myself for what Being Submissive should look like. Add messages buried deep in my brain from my youth group days of misguided purity & marriage Bible studies + my real desire to be a good wife and have our home be somewhere my husband was happy to return to + my frustration at my own manic work schedule and just generally feeling like I had no control over my life.... and the result was a DD beginning that was a hot mess.

I knew I was reaching a meltdown point tonight. So I left the kitchen and said in a normal tone of voice, "I just can't." Dominic knew what I was talking about. He didn't complain about not having a family dinner. Just two years ago I would have LOST MY HEAD and lit into him at that point. I would have probably thrown some kitchen utensils and then sobbed at another failure. The rewards at sticking to this dynamic are unique to each relationship. For us, one of the biggest has been ME letting go of my own expectations. I know that above all, Dominic wants me to come to him before I'm at the point of no return. We're on the same page when I'm tuned into him and not the many outside influences telling me what a motherhood, marriage, and being a woman should look like. I've certainly not "arrived" or become a Stepford Wife, but I did reach that point where I just want to know what Dominic wants. Better late than never, I guess. ;)

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

A Breath of Snow & Ashes on Spanking

Reading is my favorite. I earmarked these passages the first time I read A Breath of Snow and Ashes in the Outlander series.  They're good food for thought fellow spankos!

On spanking...
"Well, what did do? And why?"

"Well, he'd only take his belt to her now and then," he said, "and only if she made him."

I took a deep breath.

"If she made him? I asked calmly, under the circumstances.

"Well, ye ken Ian," he said, shrugging. "He's no the one to be doing that sort of thing unless Jenny deviled him into it."

"I never saw anything of that sort going on," I said, giving him a hard look.

"Well, she'd scarcely do it in front of ye, would she?"

"And she would, in front of you?"

"Well, not precisely, no," he admitted, "But I was often in the house, after Culloden. Now and then, though, I'd come down for a visit, and I'd see that she was .... brewing for something." ....

"She'd devil him," he said at last, shrugging. "Pick at him over nothing, make wee sarcastic remarks. She'd ---" His face cleared a bit as he came up with a suitable description  "She'd act like a spoilt wee lassie in need of the tawse."

I found this description completely incredible.  Jenny Murray had a sharp tongue, and few inhibitions about using it on anyone, her husband included.  Ian, the soul of good nature, merely laughed at her. But I simply couldn't countenance the notion of her behaving in the manner described.

"Well, so. I'd seen that a time or two, as I say.  And Ian would give her an eye, but held his peace.  But then the once... 

Thinking the house was empty, he had been startled by the noises in the bedchamber overhead....

"Well...  shrieks," he said, shrugging. "And giggling. A bit of shoving and banging, with a stool or some such falling over.  If it weren't for the yaffling, I should have thought there ere thieves in the house. But I kent it was Jenny's voice, and Ian's, -- he broke off, his ears going pink...

"So then ... there was a bit more -- raised voices, like -- and then the crack of a belt on a bum, and the sort of skelloch ye could hear across six fields."

..... okay just read the entire series, it's wonderful and there is so much more to this chapter! But the line I was struck by "if SHE made him."

On NOT spanking a previous partner: 
"I think it was that I didna care enough for her to think of it, let alone do it.

"Not to hurt her," he said again, speaking softly. "To own her. I Dina want to posses her. You, mo nighean donn--you, I would own." 

"Own me" I said. "And what exactly do you mean by that?

"What I say." There was still a gleam of humor in his eyes, but his voice was serious. "You're min, Sassenah. And I would do anything I thought I must to make that clear."

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Travel Shenanigans

Random thoughts from traveling...

My travel buddy, who we'll call Sarah, and I tried to throw a shot party on our last night of vacation. Our husbands came out to the porch to find us with four shot glasses ready for their participation. They declined to participate. Did y'all know its frowned upon to do shots in the hot tub? #dontaskmehowIknow

Dominant is who our husbands are - it's not a kink they turn off and on.  And I forget sometimes that not all couples have the warmth and respect DD brings. We were paired with another group at an Escape Room game. Our husbands both are leaders and it's assumed their wives follow. We do, happily. Watching other couples interact with each other in a very different style made it very apparent that we are lucky to have found these men. The HOH is strong - they're smart and take charge. I think it's lovely.

While playing a card game, I responded to my husband very sarcastically. Dominic raised his eye brows but before I could apologize, my friend stepped in to help HIM out. "Dominic, did she really just say that to you? You can't let her talk to you like that!" 

You'd think a fellow submissive wouldn't insist her friend should be punished. In Sarah's defense, it was nearly midnight and we'd enjoyed all sorts of fun drinks that evening. She more than the rest of us as unbeknownst to everyone, she was drowning her back pain in tequila. Dominic agreed with her and for the first time I got spanked on someone else's recommendation.

I'm guessing Sarah thought she shouldn't be the only one getting worn out since she knew she'd crossed a few lines as well. Her husband has an aversion to unladylike language.  Unfortunately for her, she had emphatically called my husband a name to make a point when sharing a strong opinion. While no offense was taken by Dominic, she very nicely apologized the next morning. I can't imagine what motivated an apology before we'd all had our morning caffeine. 😜 Perhaps it was the same strap her husband strongly recommended to Dominic? 😬


SHOPPING - We found one place husbands are really happy to shop at - kitchen stores! Did y'all know the kitchen provides far more to encourage submission than just wooden spoons? I'd never have thought to consider turkey basters, chip clips, and meat tenderizers for our fun drawer. Kitchen stores are cheaper than the "off the highway" sex shops... Be sure to clean and disinfect before returning your items to the kitchen.

Funnily enough, neither Sarah or I found a single thing we wanted to buy after visiting the kitchen store. We're not dumb.

Speaking of shopping though, we discovered Wal-mart sells vibrators. You're welcome.

NEW FURNITURE Another highlight to staying in a new place is being inspired by new furniture! Dominic highly recommends this leather bench for over-the-knee spanking. I did appreciate having a softer place to place my hands than the floor or hard chairs. So many more opportunities to keep me on my toes by switching furniture and ordering me into other positions. No wonder I got spanked so much, a new room is a dominant's playground! *because it totally couldn't have been the need for attitude adjustment.

TRAVEL TIPS -

  1. Bring lube. TSA won't care. And you'll really regret making improvisations when your husband decides your submission needs a little prodding. 
  2. If you feel sick, you shouldn't pretend everything is just fine until your trip is over. Your illness will get worse and I hear it's a rule violation. But you'd have to ask Sarah about that. 
  3. Don't stay in the room with wooden blinds. Wooden tilt wands have the sting and concentrated impact of a cane with the thud of a paddle. 
  4. Discussing implements in front of your husbands means they'll exchange links. Cane-iac has fast, discreet delivery. 
Any other lessons learned on the road?

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Merry and Bright.

Not just a holiday greeting, but my general disposition after a long overdue getaway with my husband. When we have gotten time without the children, its usually a day added onto a work trip. This adventure was purely for fun with our in real life friends who also know DD is the trick to a happy marriage.  We're (mostly) normal people, so our trip looked like most kid-free trips: restaurants, shopping, adult beverage tastings, leisurely schedules that didn't revolve around nap time, etc.

Submitting felt easy. Without the responsibilities of daily life pulling me in multiple directions, following Dominic just happened. If you're wanting your HOH to take leading more seriously, don't fight them when they do lead. We just had a fun, relaxing time. My only regret is not ordering dessert on our last night. I'm still day dreaming about how amazing this cobbler would have been.

It's a relaxing, fun time when you're with people who know "how you work" and they operate like that too. We enjoy spending time with them and have plenty of things to discuss beyond similar handling of sass. That said, when your friend is also in the Spanked Wives Club, it's not awkward to make a beeline for the softer padded bench at a restaurant. It's freeing to be able to say out loud why you are so, so sore. Shopping with husbands isn't even stressful when you both know which lines shouldn't be crossed.

That doesn't mean I wasn't petrified they'd overhear some of our "discussions." Dominic and I had a great time connecting and laughing without worrying about waking our children. Lots of sex, lots of spanking. I found myself over his knee for sass he'd normally have shot me a warning look for. I was even more surprised when after this spanking, he questioned me about my general view on our dynamic and my consideration for submission in my daily life. The pretty wooden blinds in our room unfortunately came with a heavy wooden tilt wand. The wand easily slid off and on its hook during our stay. It was first used to address infractions neither one of us had thought about in the past month or so. That was a surprising spanking. I did fuss a little about it the next morning, probably because I was expecting a reminder and he instead delivered a message: You Will Remember How Important This Rule Is.

This trip was definitely the most spankings I've ever received in that time frame. It's also the calmest and most settled I can remember feeling, probably ever.  I didn't have to cook, I ate more than I've eaten in months, and I SLEPT.

So imagine Dominic's shock when I was sulking and sassy within 24 hours of arriving home. In my defense, we arrived home in the midst of Christmas season to kids school events, childcare hiccups, back to our jobs, hiccups with our house sitter and a broken dryer, etc... He knew I was stressed and also knew how well I had responded to him just a few short days ago. I was starting to come down with a sinus infection and should have answered honestly when he asked if I was too tired to discuss my grumpy attitude. I hated to not submit though. Because I thought submitting was taking the spanking I knew I needed. Submitting was answering his question honestly though. He bent me over the couch and started lecturing about my attitude and I just got grumpier. I flinched and kicked with each smack of his hand. Growing even more frustrated, Dominic upped the severity then stopped. He saw the fatigue on my face and said we needed to go to bed. I had been fighting so hard to relax, angry with myself for being so wound up, missing the easy going dynamic of our time away. When he stopped, it felt like I'd failed. Naturally, I stomped to bed in a huff. I threw my clothes off and made a big production of flopping into bed. Dominic stood over me and asked what in the hell my fit was about. My pride and butt hurt so I fumed. When Dominic started talking, he didn't throw my attitude and smart mouth back in my face, he told me how much he loved our time away and was shell shocked that I went away so quickly. Referring to our trip, he said "You were submissive."

And now I wasn't, despite my apparently crappy efforts. So I cried while he held me and then I slept.

Sleep is glorious. Sleep is always the right option when spanking can't fix the problem.

I apologized the next day and told him that yes, I did need held accountable for my crappy attitude. He met me at home for lunch and gave me one hell of a spanking. The spanking was 100% more severe than any of the brief spanking from the night before but I didn't kick or flinch. The stronger spanks from his belt had me jumping and wiggling, but submitting to him felt right. Intense spankings always bring intense sex. The sex following is an extension of his dominance. Without going into great detail, submissive positions and acts that push me into a submissive headspace send just as powerful as a message as the spanking. The erotic connection after drives home that I'm his. The spanking may have been triggered on by an infraction on my part, but he's spanking me because I chose this. I chose him. And because I choose this life with him, I'm his.

When rules get broken here, it's because I'm disconnected from him. The stress of life gets in the way and I choose to handle things on my own or let anxiety take root in my brain. I choose to not go to him and share the soft emotions when they first hit. Disappointment or hurt by family members, needing help with time management or prioritizing commitments. When I let those things fester in my head, the end result is always a grumpy disposition. I know punishment + sex is handled many different ways in our diverse dynamics. In our relationship, they go hand in hand. I have an intense personality and Dominic coaxes the best of me to the surface when he gives me a physical connection to knowing he's got my back, is strong enough to handle whatever comes our way, and he's connected to me on a deep, humbling level in spite of my sometimes interesting attitude.

The Freshly Spanked buzz is my favorite kind of high.

Monday, October 8, 2018

Dopamine.

Sometimes I think I'm using DD to manage my ADHD. ADHD isn't really a disorder as much as its a way your brain is wired. I can't recall a time in my life where I wasn't aware that my brain worked differently.

Sticking to routine and structure is difficult for me. Everything feels like a priorty: sorting socks, playing with my kids, weeding the garden. Each choice feels like equal importance in my brain so I struggle to sort through that. My brain starts spinning when the bulk of my demands fail to spike my interest, lack urgency, or require minimal mental effort. When I notice that I'm really feeling the need to feel my husband's domination, it often comes off my brain seriously spinning. The most mundane tasks like a mind numbing work project become my escape.

But in this dynamic Dominic can pull me out. Sure I can work through this all and develop better executive functioning skills on my own.  I did before marriage and children. But those demands take serious margin and as all women know, we put our own self-care last. Pre-DD and now, Dominic is more comfortable saying something when he can tell I've mentally checked out and am over it all.

As hyper organized as my brain is, it's also very creative. There's no right or left brain with me, it's one big swirl of ALL THE THINGS. For years I fought the creative side. It was easier to keep my ducks in a row and not be vulnerable if the creative side was tucked away. The birth of my oldest child woke up that long abandoned part of me. My orchid child has the benefit of being born in a time where children's unique quirks are (mostly) celebrated. She's not in school in the 80s being told to conform. My heart has filled with joy and also some regret as I watch her blossom without the shame and awkwardness that I developed in elementary school as I felt different. Stuffing any part of yourself away is a form of self-poison. This really isn't an article for a psychology crowd, DD plays a big part here.

Opening myself up to Dominic to be spanked and vulnerable has given me infusions of dopamine.  Happy people don't try to play someone else's tune, they just are. They TALK. As we raise this incredible child together, we share more of our childhoods and figure out more of why we are our quirky selves. I've dropped some very toxic work related roles from my life. All along Dominic had offered his opinion on these issues but my fears of failure clouded my rational view. Funny how a lot of time over his knee has moved the clouds out of my eyes!

I'm not making a wild leap to say Submission is the key to healing all childhood anxiety and ADHD. Not at all -- But having a great life partner is key. Kinky people have to communicate well. We've learned how to communicate better and a lot of the things that kept me from feeling at peace with myself have been worked through. The brain can be retrained and our frequent connections are teaching the jumbled up wires in my head to iron themselves out and fire a little less erratically.

Whatever gets your neurotransmitters functioning, be it spanking, running marathons, or sidewalk chalk, make it happen.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

I hate the loopy johnny.

Hello blogland, looks like I'll be up all night and it's not entirely my fault. Each year of my 30s has triggered various protests from my body. One medication or lifestyle change might cure one ailment while setting off another issue. This time, it's insomnia. 

Since I can hardly vacuum or clean in the dead of the night, I suppose I can manage to write uninterrupted.

DD is alive and well, while not front burner. My smart mouth and eye rolls often aren't dealt with. He forgets by the time we go to bed and I'm not really sure if it happened that evening or two days ago. I forget to do things he's told me to do, but not out of outright defiance... just our life in the first six weeks of a school year.

But lest I get too comfortable, there are things that cause Dominic to pause everything for to make a spanking happen. Like showing the bull red, I can make choices that tell him "spank this girl NOW." There were several moments during the most recent spanking where my stomach dropped and "oh shit" went through my head.  Not because it was so horrible, Dominic isn't cruel or insane. Dominic's confidence that spanking me was good for me, for us, and exactly what I needed put me in a very good submissive headspace. Hundreds of spankings ago, I'd have to give Dominic reassurance that I wasn't going to break, encourage him to keep spanking, or spank harder. We talked through that mental journey that happens when he gets bossy, growly, and tells me to bend over. But this time, when I jumped or wiggled,  he didn't stop. He knows I can handle a harsh spanking. He knows I need and want him to spank firmly, even when I sort of don't! (Only a submissive partner can understand that dichotomy!)

I jumped forward when he switched from his belt to the *%#$! loopy johnny.

Thankfully, we only own ONE.
Cane-Iac claims this implement is made to be both loved and feared. That is False.

No love here. No love at all. I do not love to hate it. I know it's silent and this infraction absolutely warranted severe implements. But just let me express how much I hate it. It's not like it's appropriate for me to lament how sore an implement makes me to my husband who uses them! 😂 You know that mixed feeling you might get about implements you love to hate? It hurts plenty and you get butterflies thinking about it, but at the same time it's a good hurt and puts you in a really good submissive spot? Or maybe the image of your partner using it is a turn on?

It's not like that. At. All.

dread it. It's an incredibly effective deterrent. Dominic barely puts any swing behind it and I am clawing the sheets. I am in tears after maybe three swats.  I have a fairly decent pain tolerance too! Do you have an intense addictive habit you're trying to quit like say, cocaine? Order this implement. You'll be able to quit cold turkey. 

Anyway, Dominic didn't stop. He knew he was doing exactly what I needed. Jumping forward gave him a better angle for my thighs so they got some very painful motivation to get my butt back into position.

It took about three days before I quit feeling this spanking. Driving the next morning was miserable. (I guess it would defeat the purpose of not whining to ask Dominic if there are bonus points for not whining.)

I'd like to be more intentional with submission and wish we weren't both so spent by the end of the day. I wish we both had more energy and margin in the day to be disciplined with maintenance and discipline for smaller infractions. We both would benefit from that time together doing things that encourage growth in our roles.

But even with the day to day grind and attitude I often get, I defer to Dominic and am mindful of his preferences. When I've blatantly crossed an important line, we find our roles. A few nights later, we made cheap cocktails and ate junk food while watching an incredibly stupid movie. The connected, light feeling days that follow a punishment remind me why we keep doing this, why it's worth making time and energy for.

Even if it means gritting my teeth for that blasted implement. 😖😱