Sunday, July 15, 2018

What exactly does "more" mean?

Being an HOH is a lot of work, not that I know from experience.  When Dominic and I are discussing what works and what doesn't, I am reminded of the vast number of things he has to consider in his role.

Not only does he have to decide if stress relief is needed, an actual punishment, a fun spanking, but then there's figuring out exactly what that best looks like.

How much spanking is enough? Do I need to feel it for a few days or just have an unpleasant moment while being spanked? How many specific swats will do the job, how long do I need to be bent over in a vulnerable, submissive position to get into the right head space, should I sleep after or do I need him to continue establishing dominance with sex? Should additional punishments be added to enhance the spanking? Is my dark red butt a sign I've had enough or is it fading already and I'm just really pale?

Our talks let me know how unhelpful I was at the beginning when I said I needed, "more" without further feedback. More of what exactly?! The answer is more him. I'm not placing an order at Chick-fil-a where I can specify that I need a precise number of extra sauce packets.

I need the stern dom who attentively cares for me in our bedroom to be stern and attentive in our vanilla life. As we're pulled into hundreds of directions throughout our days, to pull me back to meeting his needs and focusing my attention on our family. Those are my priorities, our shared priorities. I want my focus there. It's easy to be distracted by shiny objects and think whatever fun thing comes up is worth my time. But the day-to-day work of raising a family with him must come first. I wouldn't have suggested this lifestyle or agreed to specific rules if I didn't think they were important. So I need him to hold me accountable and enforce them. Even if it seems ridiculous to spank for something, or feels frustrating that he spanked for something big two days ago, and now he's giving a different kind of spanking for something small, or do we really need to do maintenance after a big punishment earlier in the week? Every time he reminds me of our dynamic and shows me he's got my back (by wearing out my ass) I feel myself drawn to him, wanting to submit in ways that please him.

When a spanking has felt unsettling, maybe it really hurt but I didn't come away feeling chastened and submissive, there's not been much of a lecture and the implements were mainly surface pain. The surface pain implements hurt terribly, but for me, they don't translate to deep soreness. Waking up sore is very humbling and keeps me feeling a bit of the intense submission I feel in our bedroom that I can't exactly feel once we're apart. But when we head out for the day and I can still feel him, I stay in that lovely submissive headspace.

Dominic doesn't feel entitled to my submission. And that's why I want to give that to him, even when I'm not doing a very good job of it!  Our family functions better when he and I are connected and I'm at peace with him leading. When we are in survival mode, mainly when busyness gets the best of us, everyone loses their minds.

Recently, Dominic said "you're not allowed to do that" in front of several people. He was half-joking, but definitely meant it. A well meaning friend offered us unsolicited medical advice for our child and it was absolutely ridiculous advice. Although I never, ever would have acted on her advice, just hearing him say those words in a stern tone made me smile. Although we were in a crowded place, that tone reminded of having him all to myself. At the end of the day, even though we have children in our home who are a big priority, jobs to keep a roof over our heads, and other things to fill our day with, this life we have together started with us. Just us.

More might look different on any given day, it may mean I really do want more thud to the spankings or more time just talking to him, but at it's core,  a vague more is a plea to dive into this dynamic, our connection with passion.

What are you asking for when you're feeling that vague feeling of needing "more?"

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Well that didn't turn out so well...

The fast paced, sweltering family week came to an end and it all caught up with us. The children hit a few days of fun/sugar/excitement hangover. It all caught up with me too and I ended up shouting in Dominic's face. Excellent move. We were so freaking tired that night, he told me to go to bed. We both crashed and planned to deal with it the next night. One child headed off for a sleepover and the house was quiet.

It was an extremely hard spanking, as expected. There was no floating away to subspace. It just sucked with additional humbling enhancements.

We re-connected and as I started to lay my head on my pillow, I noticed my phone screen flashing. The child needed picked up. Since I was specifically being cried for, I headed out. By the next evening, we'd learned a few important lessons.

  1. Do not skip aftercare.
  2. Do not drive freshly spanked. That was the most miserable drive of my life. Being miserable after a spanking is really frustrating when you're by yourself and the HOH isn't holding you.
  3. Do not sleep in the same bed with a wiggly small child when nearly every inch of your body is sore and exhausted.
  4. Not sleeping after a hard spanking and adventurous sex will result in the worst subdrop of your life.
  5. Exhausted and emotional with a full day ahead is a great way to work yourself into another pickle.
Life just happens sometimes, but we have a very real understanding of the need to be well-rested and follow up with rest when any kind of power exchange happens. So even though just 48 hours ago I took a pretty hard spanking, we're heading back to the basement tonight to clear my head and get back into the groove we know works well.


Sunday, July 8, 2018

Default State.

The stars have aligned and I have found myself with nothing to do after putting the children to bed. Bedtime wasn't a crisis, the laundry and kitchen are under control... it's the strangest situation to be in!

We're taking a deep breath after a full week with extended family.  It's suffocatingly hot and the kids kept our days very busy. Even if we weren't running around, just keeping up with small children is a busy enough day! In prior years, family events could be very stressful and I'd find myself in trouble regularly.  Either my smart mouth got the best of me or I committed to plans without discussing with Dominic. This week had a few check-in spankings but not any punishments. An absolute record!

It's extremely difficult to do family or group activities with couples in completely different dynamics. The roles we take leave the privacy of our home with us. At this juncture, I've learned choosing to submit is easier. Not easier because I won't get spanked. Easier because we function better. Instead of demanding he accompany the kids out on the water, I asked him to please do it and acknowledged I'd owe him. I didn't disappear into Target and surprise him with the expense. We talked before the week started about anticipated expenses and activities.  It's so much easier to do that rather than try to discuss finances quietly in a crowded house while the grill is hot and kids are running in sprinklers! (Trust me, I know this exact situation!)

This spring, I had made plans for our oldest that I really thought would work. When Dominic and I went over the plans for this week he vetoed a pretty big thing I had penciled in. It was not a lengthy conversation. He said "That's not happening. That's going to be a disaster." And we moved onto the next topic.

As the schedule played out, it was patently obvious he was right. Our child didn't even notice the missing activity. Our schedule was too full!

Lesson re-learned: Default to submission. Especially on the most un-sexy of things like how many activities a child can do in one summer and how much money you've spent on a birthday party. Those things can cause such unnecessary stress in an already busy, tiring season of life. This was a brief conversation then he jumped into the pool with our kids. Please note, he doesn't enjoy swimming but they do and they adore him.  Why would I have ruined that afternoon needing to be right?

Even if you don't do this thing and accidentally stumbled onto my blog, I hope you can takeaway that you really need to give your partner some credit. I know my husband isn't an idiot and he certainly doesn't think I'm dumb either. (If you think they're dumb, then for the love of God, what are you doing with this person?!)

We had enough on our plate keeping family from continually giving our children sugar, multiple nights of loud fireworks ruining sleep, navigating activities in the heat. I felt like we were both tuned into each other and our kids this past week. It felt really good to end the week knowing that we were solid as opposed to how this has gone during other family weeks.

Lest you think I'm on some kind of high horse, I absolutely had help being in this state of defaulting to submission. While I didn't get in trouble for any blatant violations, my tone and resting bitch face let him know when I needed to be ass up. Dominic grabbed time for check-ins and stress relief to keep us on this even keel. The quiet implements are awful but they have the desired effect. Thanks, Cane-iac! 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

It's more than a preference, it's a craving.

I need to make an infographic of Red Flags that your partner is craving your domination. They make them for all sorts of horrible diseases, real and imagined....  why not this? Because I now can feel it coming and it comes more often now. Being connected is so so sweet that as soon as we start to drift into busyness, I start feeling the jitters. Once those jitters hit, I know I'm going to snap at someone over nothing within 24 hours. Oh I can try, but it's awfully hard to fight off those jitters. My kids pick up on it and their behavior gets whiny. In the back of my head, I realize I'm just waiting for my husband to tell me he's had it.

When I stay in a jittery spell but have to be patient until there's time to responsibly have our fun, I am reminded of how good this thing is for us. When we get wildly busy and my husband is up late working, he'll always tells me to let him know if I need him. I'm usually exhausted and fall asleep quickly.  Too many nights I let the temptation of enjoying a quiet house suck me into reading far after bedtime.

Quite recently, I realized this reading books, blogs, and comments during times of low communication is slippery slope. When I'm reading a sexy novel, I'm exposed to some dominant sex scenes with couple who do not exist in real life. They don't have to worry about cleaning up the bathroom after toddler bath time, that time of the month, or children's meltdowns at bedtime. Book characters don't have toddlers yelling at them about socks in the morning. They're leisurely enjoying coffee and morning blowjobs. I didn't realize until very, very recently how those books can build expectations in my mind! It's easy enough to tell my husband "this book is hot!" or "this scene looks fun!" but I fall asleep and then the day starts all over again.  My husband may not even know y'all are picking up ginger for more than cooking and I'm wondering if it would be horrible or fun! So there's my warning on reading... talk to my husband about what I'm reading!

So there's that going on and I haven't broken any big rules and we're in survival mode, so why would I want to interrupt peace and quiet? Even though I know darn good and well I need him. Of course he won't be annoyed if I go to him. When we're in our groove and I feel and see him comfortable in leading, I don't feel weird about going to him.

But when we've gone through that valley where he shoots me a look when I snap but forgets by the time we can deal with it or I'm mindlessly texting and driving and don't even think to tell him, and it feels like months since I've even though to be mindful of vitamins and bedtime, well I quickly talk myself out of going to him. That's when I know the power exchange is just as important to us as the erotic appeal of spanking. There's always some fun spanking in our dynamic and we both like that! But I badly need the power exchange in our lives.

He's waiting for me to tell him I need him while my subconscious is waiting for him to claim me.  Yes, I consented to this, I want to submit so why should he have to make me?  There's some unsettled part of me that wants a bit of neanderthal to pull me close so I can feel that he's got me both then and days after.  That in all the unpredictable things we can't control that seem to go nuclear on us without warning, this thing with us is solid. I need that re-entry into the dynamic,  just because he can where it's just all enough and he needs me as much as I'm craving him.  When it's been awhile since he's given me the raised eyebrows or texted to ask if I've drank water, tells me to come sit just because he wants me by him, or asks out of the blue if I'm being good today... it's a slow trickle of missed power exchange opportunities and I guess my account goes negative and needs something big to get us back where we should be. When he speaks to me there's a shift from speaking to me like he's expecting immediate compliance to calling for me to see if I'm busy an will come. I like hearing him expect my obedience. Even if I groan while getting up from the floor because I'm approaching middle age! There's a powerful catharsis that comes with being dominated, in the big an small ways. All day long, my energy and attention are pulled to so many other things. I don't get to let go. When my brain doesn't get to let go, it's just too easy to fall back into old habits. Whether it's the small ways throughout the day or settling in for a longer spanking, where he's settled in to give me the dominance I need to work out whatever is cluttering my head. Where spending that time in complying in a vulnerable position while he's fully in dominant gets us moving to where we both know we belong.

As fierce as I feel I have to be everywhere else, knowing he's strong enough to take me on and let me go blissfully mindless... helps me keep up the fierce everywhere else. (Sometimes I need to fiercely protect him and love him when he's hurt, caring for a partner isn't solely his responsibility.)

We both can respect each other without this dynamic, I could figure out how to settle myself without him... I suppose?! But I picked him and I need him. Claiming me makes me continually crave him, no matter how hard life gets.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Spank your way to happiness!

Stumbled across this article on the internet. We all knew this right? While we've never had huge relationship drama, our communication and ease in discussing the tough stuff has grown so much since we opened the door to this lifestyle. The thing with going down this road is that even when there are spells where outside stressors, family situations, health, or whatever it is that puts this dynamic on the back burner... it never goes away completely. The growth we experience both individually and as a couple goes with us through those gaps when spankings and power exchange aren't getting much attention.

There are also times where it's not responsible to enforce strict rules or expect my husband to stay in serious Dom mode. I've had to tinker with various medication dosages over the years. That's not a great time to spank like all is well. The past few summers we've faced some really tough hurts with each of our extended families. As we've worked through those, we've each just not had anything else to give. As my husband hurt it may have seemed like I stepped into a more aggressive role in insisting he put up certain boundaries with family. But it wasn't like our pre-DD days. Where I may have yelled and just been so angry about him being hurt, I have more empathy now. I felt sad he was being hurt. I felt driven to protect him. We both prefer those nights that end with us in our preferred dynamic, checking in, spanking whether for play or seriousness. But these valleys, while frustrating, help keep us real with each other. In those "hard to explain until you're in it" things you only learn exist when in a long-term committed relationship, some very big, good things have happened. It's not a good thing when either of us is hurting. It's heartbreaking to watch. I wish these things didn't come to pass. But we come through them closer. And somehow our hard kid is turning into the most emotionally healthy, self-aware, confident human being I've ever met. I attribute a lot of that to the discussions my husband and I have when I'm bent over the bed or kneeling. He and I are both becoming better communicators and more comfortable talking about emotions and expectations. Everyone around us benefits from us being emotionally healthier.  In the years we've been in this dynamic, I've learned more about myself than the rest of my life combined. 

I've been thinking lately about how important it is to prioritize our dynamic when we aren't caught up in other things. To really weigh what is worth our energy if it takes us away from this. Because when things come up that we have to be pulled into, be it a child's struggle or mother-in-law chaos, we are better prepared to take on those storms. The hard things in life have a way of pulling a couple apart. Hunkering down and intentionally living the HOH/submissive dynamic protects us from those things - and we've got to remember that when it's so easy to go to bed rather than check-in over something seemingly minute.

Whatever goes on neurologically during this power exchange is really, really good stuff. I wouldn't recommend treating depression, anxiety, or any other mental health need with spanking and kinky sex... please see a professional mental health provider!! (No shame in it, we've all got mental health needs!) But whatever your thing, make time for it. You'll feel better.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

"Not for the weak of heart"

Oh, I have a blog? If I'm mindlessly scrolling through Instagram or twitter, no one needs me. If I attempt to write or read a real book? All the people need all the things.

I last blogged about the small things. Life has done its thing and we've barely registered the big or small things for a few months. I hate to say it's just that time of year, that we've been busy, or our kids are small. There will always be a reason to put us on the back burner. When we operate in survival mode, we aren't at our best in any of our roles. It's not only our relationship that suffers, I'm irritable and easily flustered everywhere. I take things personally, forget why I have firmer boundaries with a particular friend or co-worker, or get in text message battles about current events with a sibling I KNOW not to engage with about those hot topics.

Eventually Dominic will have just had it and I'll ruefully admit I've had it with myself too. The chaos will end with a bang and he'll be very intentional about keeping our schedule structured.  Last week he said "this is ends now." And it did. We've since been figuring out how to make more frequent check-ins part of our schedule. Yes, we're short on both time and energy. But this house needs a calm mama. Since science says neurons are contagious, we've got to keep me in that post-spanking chill. We know the "small stuff" is a path to the bigger problems. Our struggle has been carving out that time to enforce the smaller stuff.

Businesses and organizations hit a growth point where they're no longer a start-up and can't keep operating the way they always have. Hard conversations happen to determine if that organization will grow or die. Relationships are like that too. We hit at a point in our DD/ttwd dynamic that the rules we'd initially enforced, how we communicated, the intensity at which Dominic spanked, or even the combinations of implements, and precisely which offenses are best served with spanking required evaluation. It's so easy to let an expectation take shape in your brain without realizing you've put it on a pedestal while not communicating it to the person you want to meet this expectation!

Post-spanking I'm more mindful about going to Dominic with my needs. It's at the front of his mind that I want him to take control of a situation, of us, so I can handle all the other stuff being thrown my way. Whether it’s childcare arrangements or a purchase I need to make, I am hyper aware of the need to check in with Dominic. I don't worry I’m bugging him or becoming a codependent overly clingy wife. I'm okay with needing him and he's quite okay with being needed.

But I let other thoughts push that reality to the backburner. I think I'm too busy to check-in, that he doesn't need so many stupid text messages, I should let him just work... Aren't I capable of dealing with <said situation> on my own? Is this even a big deal?

And then I compare...Always a toxic place to be. The nuclear fallout land of Comparison. Are other women having this much trouble handling hiccups? This spiral of self-doubt and deflating my confidence in this very good dynamic deepens the stress that naturally builds in a busy season of life.

Last week when Dominic had absolutely had it and made it very clear that my stress behaviors were o v e r,  he ordered more implements. Although we have plenty of implements that work just fine, they weren't quiet. The noise factor is what prevents us from dealing with issues immediately or results in punishment delayed for days. Too often, by the time the house is quiet, we can't keep our eyes open.

These nasty things have joined our implement drawer. I'm really not at all thrilled at all. I am always caught off guard when Dominic just makes up his mind and our dynamic catapults somewhere new.  I think we've both embraced the reality that Dominic in Dom mode is a good thing for us and how frequent or infrequently he needs to make me feel that dominance is going to fluctuate. Right now, it seems to be fairly frequent and fairly intense.  The "loopy johnny" in the photo above let Dominic deliver a pretty quick mid-afternoon "get it together" spanking that was extremely quiet. It wasn't long, we didn't have time to discuss and connect like we'd normally do. But the reset button was hit, and the rest of the day was much more pleasant.

In another season, my snarky comments may truly be funny and not a warning to Dominic of an imminent meltdown.  I may not assume a funny text message is him blaming me for something. Who knows what more sleep and children who require less assistance with their restroom use and personal hygiene will do for our brains! (And yes, I know I'll miss these days. I do adore my affectionate, hilarious children. A mother can love her children and be exhausted all at the same time.)

Perhaps in a different season of life, less intensity in our dynamic will make sense. But in this moment in time, in a season of life that's requires us to be all in all the time... adding an implement that boats of being "not for the weak of heart"seems fitting. 

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

In defense of the small stuff.

We've reached a point in our dynamic where we're both on board with seemingly small things being rules. Not taking vitamins, staying up late reading or scrolling through Facebook, not eating lunch until 3 PM... things that Dominic early on said he didn't want to spank for because it seemed like he was keeping score.

We've changed our views.  Send your condolences to my ass. 

What I saw as The Small Stuff is all related to Self-Care. And that is not a small thing at all.

I had a huge explosion this past week. It was ridiculous. In the midst of my emotional storm, Dominic did all the things our favorite e-book alpha males do. He was solid. He didn't join me in the chaos. 

While he could empathize with my frustrations after a long week and some rough stuff at work and one of our children, he didn't change his expectations for how we handle life.  My freak out told Dominic that I was seriously overdue for attention from him. During our "discussion", we realized I hadn't refilled my vitamins in a long time. I hadn't drank hardly any water all week, I'd been going to bed super late. All the things needed to be a healthy human. By the time the kids were asleep, he was waiting with the hairbrush, paddle, and belt. I dreaded laying over his lap. My heart sank when he unbuttoned my pants. 

But I still wanted him to do all of those things.  Truth be told, he could have done that for three or four occasions that week and it would have been warranted. I knew this punishment was needed and overdue.

Dominic doesn't dole out consequences for not taking care of things is not because he's mad and thinks I deserve a spanking for not taking my vitamins. He doesn't spank because he's offended that I dared to raise my voice. Rather, those behaviors are red flags that my stress levels are rising. Spending time in a submissive position is my best stress relief, as much as I dread/appreciate/love it. So when I'm neglecting household chores and snapping because how it is possible we have laundry again? It's not out of a desire to make me pay.  (Though I'm sure a small part of him feels joy at watching me go from dragon lady to quietly answering "yes sir!") Those "small things" let Dominic know my grip on life is slipping a little and I need his help.

I've blogged before about how silly it is that I don't ask for stress relief. I hate asking because I feel like I've failed and "let" myself get stressed. We both know spanking chills me out, helps him understand me better, and frankly just makes me a nicer, calmer person. Life is just stressful because it is that season, so its normal and expected that I should get tired and need him to help me recenter.

Waiting for the big explosion to get spanked means I'm flailing on my own away from Dominic too long.  My explosions hurt him, they hurt my kids' feelings sometimes because really crappy things fly out of my mouth when I'm that tired and emotionally exhausted. Neither of us want that -- we are not okay with that.  There's a part of me that wants to pay for it when I lose my cool. I don't want that to be how I am. Thankfully, Dominic wants to help me. Even if he can't whip out the paddle in the middle of making dinner, he can encourage and help me get through the evening... promising he'll settle down my crazy thoughts once the kids are asleep.

But if he doesn't know this, he has to wait until I've flipped out. That isn't fair to him. So the small rules? They're all seemingly little things that are a good way for us to know how I'm doing. When I start forgetting the things that I usually prioritize, don't make time to read for fun, or even try to blog... an explosion is probably eminent. We both know the spanking is not about vitamins. The spanking is Dominic warding off bigger stress behaviors.  Does this feel silly to say "yes, I want spanked for the small stuff. I want it to matter."

Well, yeah. But it works.

As much as I'm turned on by the idea of him in dominant mode and being the boss of me and our home, it's humbling when he's actually in disciplinarian mode. Humbling--not belittling or humiliating. I know he doesn't think less of me when he makes it clear he expects me to go to sleep. We both know how unreasonable I am without enough sleep. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it when I realize I'm absentmindedly flipping through my phone after he's told me to go to bed. I'm not excited to tell him that I did exactly that last night.... more than once. It's not a desire to be willful or disobey him. I have bad sleep habits and I need his help to develop better ones! I appreciate that he's willing to help me develop better habits and not just annoyed with me for not sleeping enough.

In our early days, I felt so disappointed when I got in trouble. I thought I was failing at submission, that I wasn't dedicated enough to living this way. Even though I still get spanked for the same things, I know we've grown tremendously.  DD is a tool we use to help me stay in tune with our relationship and make it a priority when there are a lot of distracting things demanding my energy and attention.  I'm not happy when he starts spanking, but I feel so much better when it's over.

I need and appreciate that Dominic will kick to the curb all of the things that are giving me anxiety.  I over think, I have way too many decisions to make. But when I'm over his lap, I don't have to think. I am absolutely not going to be making any decisions!! It's a break that my brain desperately needs.  I have to be two steps ahead of everything and everyone when I'm in work or parenting mode. When Dominic is getting on me to take better care of myself and be present for him, I finally get to shake off all the exhausting roles I have to play. 

So yes, being held accountable for vitamins or sleep has very little to do with those things. It's Dominic keeping the crazy away from us for just awhile.... and each time helping me get a little better about self-care. Does any submissive ever say "gosh, I wish he paid less attention" or "I wish I'd gotten away with that."

Nope. The blogs, the social media networks, they all ask for more dominance, more accountability.  I think that's because we just want more of our partners; because we need them.