Monday, October 8, 2018

Dopamine.

Sometimes I think I'm using DD to manage my ADHD. ADHD isn't really a disorder as much as its a way your brain is wired. I can't recall a time in my life where I wasn't aware that my brain worked differently.

Sticking to routine and structure is difficult for me. Everything feels like a priorty: sorting socks, playing with my kids, weeding the garden. Each choice feels like equal importance in my brain so I struggle to sort through that. My brain starts spinning when the bulk of my demands fail to spike my interest, lack urgency, or require minimal mental effort. When I notice that I'm really feeling the need to feel my husband's domination, it often comes off my brain seriously spinning. The most mundane tasks like a mind numbing work project become my escape.

But in this dynamic Dominic can pull me out. Sure I can work through this all and develop better executive functioning skills on my own.  I did before marriage and children. But those demands take serious margin and as all women know, we put our own self-care last. Pre-DD and now, Dominic is more comfortable saying something when he can tell I've mentally checked out and am over it all.

As hyper organized as my brain is, it's also very creative. There's no right or left brain with me, it's one big swirl of ALL THE THINGS. For years I fought the creative side. It was easier to keep my ducks in a row and not be vulnerable if the creative side was tucked away. The birth of my oldest child woke up that long abandoned part of me. My orchid child has the benefit of being born in a time where children's unique quirks are (mostly) celebrated. She's not in school in the 80s being told to conform. My heart has filled with joy and also some regret as I watch her blossom without the shame and awkwardness that I developed in elementary school as I felt different. Stuffing any part of yourself away is a form of self-poison. This really isn't an article for a psychology crowd, DD plays a big part here.

Opening myself up to Dominic to be spanked and vulnerable has given me infusions of dopamine.  Happy people don't try to play someone else's tune, they just are. They TALK. As we raise this incredible child together, we share more of our childhoods and figure out more of why we are our quirky selves. I've dropped some very toxic work related roles from my life. All along Dominic had offered his opinion on these issues but my fears of failure clouded my rational view. Funny how a lot of time over his knee has moved the clouds out of my eyes!

I'm not making a wild leap to say Submission is the key to healing all childhood anxiety and ADHD. Not at all -- But having a great life partner is key. Kinky people have to communicate well. We've learned how to communicate better and a lot of the things that kept me from feeling at peace with myself have been worked through. The brain can be retrained and our frequent connections are teaching the jumbled up wires in my head to iron themselves out and fire a little less erratically.

Whatever gets your neurotransmitters functioning, be it spanking, running marathons, or sidewalk chalk, make it happen.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

I hate the loopy johnny.

Hello blogland, looks like I'll be up all night and it's not entirely my fault. Each year of my 30s has triggered various protests from my body. One medication or lifestyle change might cure one ailment while setting off another issue. This time, it's insomnia. 

Since I can hardly vacuum or clean in the dead of the night, I suppose I can manage to write uninterrupted.

DD is alive and well, while not front burner. My smart mouth and eye rolls often aren't dealt with. He forgets by the time we go to bed and I'm not really sure if it happened that evening or two days ago. I forget to do things he's told me to do, but not out of outright defiance... just our life in the first six weeks of a school year.

But lest I get too comfortable, there are things that cause Dominic to pause everything for to make a spanking happen. Like showing the bull red, I can make choices that tell him "spank this girl NOW." There were several moments during the most recent spanking where my stomach dropped and "oh shit" went through my head.  Not because it was so horrible, Dominic isn't cruel or insane. Dominic's confidence that spanking me was good for me, for us, and exactly what I needed put me in a very good submissive headspace. Hundreds of spankings ago, I'd have to give Dominic reassurance that I wasn't going to break, encourage him to keep spanking, or spank harder. We talked through that mental journey that happens when he gets bossy, growly, and tells me to bend over. But this time, when I jumped or wiggled,  he didn't stop. He knows I can handle a harsh spanking. He knows I need and want him to spank firmly, even when I sort of don't! (Only a submissive partner can understand that dichotomy!)

I jumped forward when he switched from his belt to the *%#$! loopy johnny.

Thankfully, we only own ONE.
Cane-Iac claims this implement is made to be both loved and feared. That is False.

No love here. No love at all. I do not love to hate it. I know it's silent and this infraction absolutely warranted severe implements. But just let me express how much I hate it. It's not like it's appropriate for me to lament how sore an implement makes me to my husband who uses them! 😂 You know that mixed feeling you might get about implements you love to hate? It hurts plenty and you get butterflies thinking about it, but at the same time it's a good hurt and puts you in a really good submissive spot? Or maybe the image of your partner using it is a turn on?

It's not like that. At. All.

dread it. It's an incredibly effective deterrent. Dominic barely puts any swing behind it and I am clawing the sheets. I am in tears after maybe three swats.  I have a fairly decent pain tolerance too! Do you have an intense addictive habit you're trying to quit like say, cocaine? Order this implement. You'll be able to quit cold turkey. 

Anyway, Dominic didn't stop. He knew he was doing exactly what I needed. Jumping forward gave him a better angle for my thighs so they got some very painful motivation to get my butt back into position.

It took about three days before I quit feeling this spanking. Driving the next morning was miserable. (I guess it would defeat the purpose of not whining to ask Dominic if there are bonus points for not whining.)

I'd like to be more intentional with submission and wish we weren't both so spent by the end of the day. I wish we both had more energy and margin in the day to be disciplined with maintenance and discipline for smaller infractions. We both would benefit from that time together doing things that encourage growth in our roles.

But even with the day to day grind and attitude I often get, I defer to Dominic and am mindful of his preferences. When I've blatantly crossed an important line, we find our roles. A few nights later, we made cheap cocktails and ate junk food while watching an incredibly stupid movie. The connected, light feeling days that follow a punishment remind me why we keep doing this, why it's worth making time and energy for.

Even if it means gritting my teeth for that blasted implement. 😖😱

Monday, September 17, 2018

What's your "why"

I know it's popular on social media to post your why for working out, selling a product, etc. This is my PSA to regularly re-visit your why. Dominic and I have settled habits and routines that work well for us. He mainly handles getting bills paid each month but we've got a budget that we both understand.  It works really well from day to day. Until it doesn't. We haven't re-visited the budget in a long time and unintentionally found ourselves in a dynamic where we weren't regularly discussing things as they changed. Life is hectic and obviously it's not that exciting. As childcare expenses changed, things got paid off, or expenses added I'd do the math in my head and know where we were. But I didn't look at Dominic's spreadsheet to see what adjustments actually got made to various debts and interest payoffs that he calculates.

That key piece of information makes is really hard to jointly make the BIG decisions like whether or not to buy a house or what kind of cars to get. Those are decisions we've got to be on the same page on and while I trust Dominic's judgement, when we were coming from really different places I suddenly felt like the decision was ALL his to make. And when we're talking about a house or car, that's something we've BOTH really got to be comfortable with. Even if we didn't end up where I originally wanted to be, it's not a healthy place for either partner to think their desires were completely ignored or not important.

Dominic and I really don't fight. But by the time we hashed through all of the big stuff of where to live, I was feeling murderous. Yes, health conversations led us to decide who would handle the bills. But we didn't continue those healthy conversations so we both understood what was going on. While I defer to him on a lot of things, we've never ever had a dynamic where he would make those decisions without discussing things with me. My lack of interest in the bills unintentionally made him think I didn't want to hear about it and little by little, things would happen that I had no awareness of. He certainly didn't intend to do things without talking to me -- he thought he was doing what I wanted.  Dominic was stunned by my anger because, to his credit, he was working very hard to figure out how to make the things I thought were best for our family work for us.  But I never intended for him to figure it out alone.

Somehow the areas we each handle became our own little universes. Because we weren't talking about any of them. We've been in survival mode for so long, those conversations seemed like luxuries.   They really aren't though... the boring conversations become explosive hurtful conversations.

PSA: talk about the boring stuff. Even when you'd rather stab yourself in the eye than look at spreadsheets.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

What exactly does "more" mean?

Being an HOH is a lot of work, not that I know from experience.  When Dominic and I are discussing what works and what doesn't, I am reminded of the vast number of things he has to consider in his role.

Not only does he have to decide if stress relief is needed, an actual punishment, a fun spanking, but then there's figuring out exactly what that best looks like.

How much spanking is enough? Do I need to feel it for a few days or just have an unpleasant moment while being spanked? How many specific swats will do the job, how long do I need to be bent over in a vulnerable, submissive position to get into the right head space, should I sleep after or do I need him to continue establishing dominance with sex? Should additional punishments be added to enhance the spanking? Is my dark red butt a sign I've had enough or is it fading already and I'm just really pale?

Our talks let me know how unhelpful I was at the beginning when I said I needed, "more" without further feedback. More of what exactly?! The answer is more him. I'm not placing an order at Chick-fil-a where I can specify that I need a precise number of extra sauce packets.

I need the stern dom who attentively cares for me in our bedroom to be stern and attentive in our vanilla life. As we're pulled into hundreds of directions throughout our days, to pull me back to meeting his needs and focusing my attention on our family. Those are my priorities, our shared priorities. I want my focus there. It's easy to be distracted by shiny objects and think whatever fun thing comes up is worth my time. But the day-to-day work of raising a family with him must come first. I wouldn't have suggested this lifestyle or agreed to specific rules if I didn't think they were important. So I need him to hold me accountable and enforce them. Even if it seems ridiculous to spank for something, or feels frustrating that he spanked for something big two days ago, and now he's giving a different kind of spanking for something small, or do we really need to do maintenance after a big punishment earlier in the week? Every time he reminds me of our dynamic and shows me he's got my back (by wearing out my ass) I feel myself drawn to him, wanting to submit in ways that please him.

When a spanking has felt unsettling, maybe it really hurt but I didn't come away feeling chastened and submissive, there's not been much of a lecture and the implements were mainly surface pain. The surface pain implements hurt terribly, but for me, they don't translate to deep soreness. Waking up sore is very humbling and keeps me feeling a bit of the intense submission I feel in our bedroom that I can't exactly feel once we're apart. But when we head out for the day and I can still feel him, I stay in that lovely submissive headspace.

Dominic doesn't feel entitled to my submission. And that's why I want to give that to him, even when I'm not doing a very good job of it!  Our family functions better when he and I are connected and I'm at peace with him leading. When we are in survival mode, mainly when busyness gets the best of us, everyone loses their minds.

Recently, Dominic said "you're not allowed to do that" in front of several people. He was half-joking, but definitely meant it. A well meaning friend offered us unsolicited medical advice for our child and it was absolutely ridiculous advice. Although I never, ever would have acted on her advice, just hearing him say those words in a stern tone made me smile. Although we were in a crowded place, that tone reminded of having him all to myself. At the end of the day, even though we have children in our home who are a big priority, jobs to keep a roof over our heads, and other things to fill our day with, this life we have together started with us. Just us.

More might look different on any given day, it may mean I really do want more thud to the spankings or more time just talking to him, but at it's core,  a vague more is a plea to dive into this dynamic, our connection with passion.

What are you asking for when you're feeling that vague feeling of needing "more?"

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Well that didn't turn out so well...

The fast paced, sweltering family week came to an end and it all caught up with us. The children hit a few days of fun/sugar/excitement hangover. It all caught up with me too and I ended up shouting in Dominic's face. Excellent move. We were so freaking tired that night, he told me to go to bed. We both crashed and planned to deal with it the next night. One child headed off for a sleepover and the house was quiet.

It was an extremely hard spanking, as expected. There was no floating away to subspace. It just sucked with additional humbling enhancements.

We re-connected and as I started to lay my head on my pillow, I noticed my phone screen flashing. The child needed picked up. Since I was specifically being cried for, I headed out. By the next evening, we'd learned a few important lessons.

  1. Do not skip aftercare.
  2. Do not drive freshly spanked. That was the most miserable drive of my life. Being miserable after a spanking is really frustrating when you're by yourself and the HOH isn't holding you.
  3. Do not sleep in the same bed with a wiggly small child when nearly every inch of your body is sore and exhausted.
  4. Not sleeping after a hard spanking and adventurous sex will result in the worst subdrop of your life.
  5. Exhausted and emotional with a full day ahead is a great way to work yourself into another pickle.
Life just happens sometimes, but we have a very real understanding of the need to be well-rested and follow up with rest when any kind of power exchange happens. So even though just 48 hours ago I took a pretty hard spanking, we're heading back to the basement tonight to clear my head and get back into the groove we know works well.

Ouch.

Sunday, July 8, 2018

Default State.

The stars have aligned and I have found myself with nothing to do after putting the children to bed. Bedtime wasn't a crisis, the laundry and kitchen are under control... it's the strangest situation to be in!

We're taking a deep breath after a full week with extended family.  It's suffocatingly hot and the kids kept our days very busy. Even if we weren't running around, just keeping up with small children is a busy enough day! In prior years, family events could be very stressful and I'd find myself in trouble regularly.  Either my smart mouth got the best of me or I committed to plans without discussing with Dominic. This week had a few check-in spankings but not any punishments. An absolute record!

It's extremely difficult to do family or group activities with couples in completely different dynamics. The roles we take leave the privacy of our home with us. At this juncture, I've learned choosing to submit is easier. Not easier because I won't get spanked. Easier because we function better. Instead of demanding he accompany the kids out on the water, I asked him to please do it and acknowledged I'd owe him. I didn't disappear into Target and surprise him with the expense. We talked before the week started about anticipated expenses and activities.  It's so much easier to do that rather than try to discuss finances quietly in a crowded house while the grill is hot and kids are running in sprinklers! (Trust me, I know this exact situation!)

This spring, I had made plans for our oldest that I really thought would work. When Dominic and I went over the plans for this week he vetoed a pretty big thing I had penciled in. It was not a lengthy conversation. He said "That's not happening. That's going to be a disaster." And we moved onto the next topic.

As the schedule played out, it was patently obvious he was right. Our child didn't even notice the missing activity. Our schedule was too full!

Lesson re-learned: Default to submission. Especially on the most un-sexy of things like how many activities a child can do in one summer and how much money you've spent on a birthday party. Those things can cause such unnecessary stress in an already busy, tiring season of life. This was a brief conversation then he jumped into the pool with our kids. Please note, he doesn't enjoy swimming but they do and they adore him.  Why would I have ruined that afternoon needing to be right?

Even if you don't do this thing and accidentally stumbled onto my blog, I hope you can takeaway that you really need to give your partner some credit. I know my husband isn't an idiot and he certainly doesn't think I'm dumb either. (If you think they're dumb, then for the love of God, what are you doing with this person?!)

We had enough on our plate keeping family from continually giving our children sugar, multiple nights of loud fireworks ruining sleep, navigating activities in the heat. I felt like we were both tuned into each other and our kids this past week. It felt really good to end the week knowing that we were solid as opposed to how this has gone during other family weeks.

Lest you think I'm on some kind of high horse, I absolutely had help being in this state of defaulting to submission. While I didn't get in trouble for any blatant violations, my tone and resting bitch face let him know when I needed to be ass up. Dominic grabbed time for check-ins and stress relief to keep us on this even keel. The quiet implements are awful but they have the desired effect. Thanks, Cane-iac! 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

It's more than a preference, it's a craving.

I need to make an infographic of Red Flags that your partner is craving your domination. They make them for all sorts of horrible diseases, real and imagined....  why not this? Because I now can feel it coming and it comes more often now. Being connected is so so sweet that as soon as we start to drift into busyness, I start feeling the jitters. Once those jitters hit, I know I'm going to snap at someone over nothing within 24 hours. Oh I can try, but it's awfully hard to fight off those jitters. My kids pick up on it and their behavior gets whiny. In the back of my head, I realize I'm just waiting for my husband to tell me he's had it.

When I stay in a jittery spell but have to be patient until there's time to responsibly have our fun, I am reminded of how good this thing is for us. When we get wildly busy and my husband is up late working, he'll always tells me to let him know if I need him. I'm usually exhausted and fall asleep quickly.  Too many nights I let the temptation of enjoying a quiet house suck me into reading far after bedtime.

Quite recently, I realized this reading books, blogs, and comments during times of low communication is slippery slope. When I'm reading a sexy novel, I'm exposed to some dominant sex scenes with couple who do not exist in real life. They don't have to worry about cleaning up the bathroom after toddler bath time, that time of the month, or children's meltdowns at bedtime. Book characters don't have toddlers yelling at them about socks in the morning. They're leisurely enjoying coffee and morning blowjobs. I didn't realize until very, very recently how those books can build expectations in my mind! It's easy enough to tell my husband "this book is hot!" or "this scene looks fun!" but I fall asleep and then the day starts all over again.  My husband may not even know y'all are picking up ginger for more than cooking and I'm wondering if it would be horrible or fun! So there's my warning on reading... talk to my husband about what I'm reading!

So there's that going on and I haven't broken any big rules and we're in survival mode, so why would I want to interrupt peace and quiet? Even though I know darn good and well I need him. Of course he won't be annoyed if I go to him. When we're in our groove and I feel and see him comfortable in leading, I don't feel weird about going to him.

But when we've gone through that valley where he shoots me a look when I snap but forgets by the time we can deal with it or I'm mindlessly texting and driving and don't even think to tell him, and it feels like months since I've even though to be mindful of vitamins and bedtime, well I quickly talk myself out of going to him. That's when I know the power exchange is just as important to us as the erotic appeal of spanking. There's always some fun spanking in our dynamic and we both like that! But I badly need the power exchange in our lives.

He's waiting for me to tell him I need him while my subconscious is waiting for him to claim me.  Yes, I consented to this, I want to submit so why should he have to make me?  There's some unsettled part of me that wants a bit of neanderthal to pull me close so I can feel that he's got me both then and days after.  That in all the unpredictable things we can't control that seem to go nuclear on us without warning, this thing with us is solid. I need that re-entry into the dynamic,  just because he can where it's just all enough and he needs me as much as I'm craving him.  When it's been awhile since he's given me the raised eyebrows or texted to ask if I've drank water, tells me to come sit just because he wants me by him, or asks out of the blue if I'm being good today... it's a slow trickle of missed power exchange opportunities and I guess my account goes negative and needs something big to get us back where we should be. When he speaks to me there's a shift from speaking to me like he's expecting immediate compliance to calling for me to see if I'm busy an will come. I like hearing him expect my obedience. Even if I groan while getting up from the floor because I'm approaching middle age! There's a powerful catharsis that comes with being dominated, in the big an small ways. All day long, my energy and attention are pulled to so many other things. I don't get to let go. When my brain doesn't get to let go, it's just too easy to fall back into old habits. Whether it's the small ways throughout the day or settling in for a longer spanking, where he's settled in to give me the dominance I need to work out whatever is cluttering my head. Where spending that time in complying in a vulnerable position while he's fully in dominant gets us moving to where we both know we belong.

As fierce as I feel I have to be everywhere else, knowing he's strong enough to take me on and let me go blissfully mindless... helps me keep up the fierce everywhere else. (Sometimes I need to fiercely protect him and love him when he's hurt, caring for a partner isn't solely his responsibility.)

We both can respect each other without this dynamic, I could figure out how to settle myself without him... I suppose?! But I picked him and I need him. Claiming me makes me continually crave him, no matter how hard life gets.