"Everything's Fine" = spanked and spanked some more.

Our flower beds and plants made it a long time this year. It's hot, we're busy, busy, busy like everyone else. Drying swimsuits, getting kids' bags ready for the next day of activities and appointments, feeding everyone and sort of keeping up with laundry has things like flower beds really low on my to-do list.

To pull in and out of the driveway, the flowers looked fine. They were mostly blooming, some wilting in the heat, but still colorful. 

So I haven't messed with the weeds, we sporadically water when it doesn't rain. I sat down one afternoon after noticing the weeds spilling over the brick edge. I found holes in all of the flowers. Some petals eaten all the way through. I dug around enough and the nasty green grub worms made their appearance. Eventually I realized the flowers weren't lasting much longer because the worms had taken over and eaten the roots of the plants. The next gust of wind blew up long uprooted flowers. 

The worms and weeds came in a door left open by the curse of "Fine."  Everything looked fine, so other things get prioritized. 

The boss and I go through spells where I'm not actually in trouble, I'm not deliberately disobedient, I'm not quite disrespectful. But there's an edge building. From a distance, I seem to be doing OK. My behavior will finally rub him the wrong way and he realizes it's time. And my fate is sealed.

Those spankings start with me struggling to focus on him and get into a requested position. While he tries to address why we're here, he starts with his hand. I'll settle in and relax into him, responding to his periodically questions and to reviewing expectations, wanting my feedback on how we are doing. I always end up admitting I felt like I needed this X number of weeks or days ago. And he reassures me that yes, I probably did but I wasn't doing too bad. 

I don't like being held to a standard of "not that bad."  I'll readily admit not being excited when punishment implements come out. Yes, I admit to fussing about it or pouting when he reaches for my hairbrush. But emotionally, it's more damaging when I'm let off the hook. 

Some weeks I need a whole lot of him. I need his eyes on me, firm tones, my chin in his hand, forehead kisses, a grip on my ponytail, or pokes & smacks in other places ;) Those physical reminders that he's the boss, he's not going to let me fall. But I often forget to tell him when I need that from him. When I don't think there's anything he can do about a nonstop schedule, why say anything? I work it all out in my head and hide a little more. 

Sighs accompanied by "doing okay" and "it'll be fine" are big red flags.  An explosion is bound to happen or the stars align and we have time to reset. 

Our most recent reset was long overdue. I hadn't been spanked in awhile and we'd been short of time to just sit and talk. So not TWO measly days after a session with his multiple implements,  I found myself once again sleeping on my stomach. No broken rules or bad attitude, but because I'm calmer when recently spanked. My husband didn't want a snappy wife ruining everyone's last weekend of summer. So I went back over his knee and will likely be there again tonight.  I am embarassed to admit, laying over his lap is one of my favorite places to be. Hiding my feelings isn't possible when my bare ass is at his mercy. I'm not shy about being naked in front of him, but its hard to describe the humbling vulnerability I feel when I'm exposed like that.  Ridiculous to even try to maintain some decorum while dangling from his legs...

When I want "more, more, more" dominance from him, I don't get it when I'm flustered and blustering that he didn't enforce a rule. I get a pissed off husband. What I want by more is him comfortable and confident that he can make decision and I'll follow. Complying with his discipline, not fighting the spanking and telling him I need time with him... that is helpful. Mid-spanking, in an intense position, I realized how still I was. I wasn't focused on the pain, which was seriously no joke. This wasn't a playful hand spanking. He'd moved me to my knees on our bed, my butt in the air, my hands holding my ankles, face down in the mattress. This position is painful, a lot more gets covered than just my butt! I stayed still, my brain finally, thankfully stopped spiraling. I was shocked the next morning to realize I'd gotten to that zone of accepting whatever he wanted me to take.

We are far past our early days, when we didn't really understanding why being punished would be appealing, but it worked...  Trial and error in this journey has us sold and convinced that regular check-ins, discipline for the purpose of to reconnection and keeping us in our roles, is something we both need so much.  I can go awhile between punishments, but I settle into fine, work problems out in my head and eventually hide from him.  I can know from day to day that yes, if I text and drive, he's going to wear me out.  Regular "Just because he can, just because its what I need" spankings are what makes the difference for me obeying b/c being punished sucks versus not even considering whichever choice he would disapprove of. That's taken some time to figure out together. I used to think "fine" was the goal. To go as far as I could without being punished. But that turned into, how long can i hide? How long can I pretend all the things are fine? I need him, and that's OKAY.  Needing him means I need to physically feel him establish dominance over me, to feel it de deeply and in a deep vulnerable place I would often rather hide, that he considers me his. To be reminded when I try to sit that he took the time to take care of me. When my underwear snags a sore spot, I wince, but smile at how it was earned. When he uses a toy that I might like more than he does, just for the result of a sighing wife, I know. and I remember it all day long.

I need spanked a lot. I just do. Even if I've been significantly punished a few days before, I need back over his lap to reconnect with the reality that he's in charge. I don't need the spanking of my life everytime, I just need him taking over. How do I question that he's in charge when I'm on my knees or naked over his lap? I know and feel those facts.

It's impossible to hide any feelings or thoughts while I'm over his lap. Do I want paddled? Well, no. but I love that he will do it. That he doesn't want to hurt me, but he'll break a wooden spoon over my butt to keep me safe. I love when he doesn't hesitate a bit to take me, correct me, redirect my attention and energy.  I take care of a lot of things nearly 24 hours a day. I don't remember to take care of me too. The more often we connect, the more I feel fully his, all day long, no matter what the day brings.

Admitting how much I benefit from that him being the boss of me is yes, a whole lot more nights in humbling positions and soreness, not getting my way when in the moment I really don't understand why, and yessss I'm dying a little realizing he's going to read this and remind me of this...  and that's abso-freaking-lutely worth key keeping us out of the rut of everything's fine.  I know he doesn't want to hurt me or wish a single bad thing to happen, and he'll do anything, whether that's taking extra work to cover unexpected bills or doubling over his belt, to keep us connected.