Dopamine.

Sometimes I think I'm using DD to manage my ADHD. ADHD isn't really a disorder as much as its a way your brain is wired. I can't recall a time in my life where I wasn't aware that my brain worked differently.

Sticking to routine and structure is difficult for me. Everything feels like a priorty: sorting socks, playing with my kids, weeding the garden. Each choice feels like equal importance in my brain so I struggle to sort through that. My brain starts spinning when the bulk of my demands fail to spike my interest, lack urgency, or require minimal mental effort. When I notice that I'm really feeling the need to feel my husband's domination, it often comes off my brain seriously spinning. The most mundane tasks like a mind numbing work project become my escape.

But in this dynamic Dominic can pull me out. Sure I can work through this all and develop better executive functioning skills on my own.  I did before marriage and children. But those demands take serious margin and as all women know, we put our own self-care last. Pre-DD and now, Dominic is more comfortable saying something when he can tell I've mentally checked out and am over it all.

As hyper organized as my brain is, it's also very creative. There's no right or left brain with me, it's one big swirl of ALL THE THINGS. For years I fought the creative side. It was easier to keep my ducks in a row and not be vulnerable if the creative side was tucked away. The birth of my oldest child woke up that long abandoned part of me. My orchid child has the benefit of being born in a time where children's unique quirks are (mostly) celebrated. She's not in school in the 80s being told to conform. My heart has filled with joy and also some regret as I watch her blossom without the shame and awkwardness that I developed in elementary school as I felt different. Stuffing any part of yourself away is a form of self-poison. This really isn't an article for a psychology crowd, DD plays a big part here.

Opening myself up to Dominic to be spanked and vulnerable has given me infusions of dopamine.  Happy people don't try to play someone else's tune, they just are. They TALK. As we raise this incredible child together, we share more of our childhoods and figure out more of why we are our quirky selves. I've dropped some very toxic work related roles from my life. All along Dominic had offered his opinion on these issues but my fears of failure clouded my rational view. Funny how a lot of time over his knee has moved the clouds out of my eyes!

I'm not making a wild leap to say Submission is the key to healing all childhood anxiety and ADHD. Not at all -- But having a great life partner is key. Kinky people have to communicate well. We've learned how to communicate better and a lot of the things that kept me from feeling at peace with myself have been worked through. The brain can be retrained and our frequent connections are teaching the jumbled up wires in my head to iron themselves out and fire a little less erratically.

Whatever gets your neurotransmitters functioning, be it spanking, running marathons, or sidewalk chalk, make it happen.