Sometimes I think I'm using DD to manage my ADHD. ADHD isn't really a disorder as much as its a way your brain is wired. I can't recall a time in my life where I wasn't aware that my brain worked differently.
Sticking to routine and structure is difficult for me. Everything feels like a priorty: sorting socks, playing with my kids, weeding the garden. Each choice feels like equal importance in my brain so I struggle to sort through that. My brain starts spinning when the bulk of my demands fail to spike my interest, lack urgency, or require minimal mental effort. When I notice that I'm really feeling the need to feel my husband's domination, it often comes off my brain seriously spinning. The most mundane tasks like a mind numbing work project become my escape.
But in this dynamic Dominic can pull me out. Sure I can work through this all and develop better executive functioning skills on my own. I did before marriage and children. But those demands take serious margin and as all women know, we put our own self-care last. Pre-DD and now, Dominic is more comfortable saying something when he can tell I've mentally checked out and am over it all.
As hyper organized as my brain is, it's also very creative. There's no right or left brain with me, it's one big swirl of ALL THE THINGS. For years I fought the creative side. It was easier to keep my ducks in a row and not be vulnerable if the creative side was tucked away. The birth of my oldest child woke up that long abandoned part of me. My orchid child has the benefit of being born in a time where children's unique quirks are (mostly) celebrated. She's not in school in the 80s being told to conform. My heart has filled with joy and also some regret as I watch her blossom without the shame and awkwardness that I developed in elementary school as I felt different. Stuffing any part of yourself away is a form of self-poison. This really isn't an article for a psychology crowd, DD plays a big part here.
Opening myself up to Dominic to be spanked and vulnerable has given me infusions of dopamine. Happy people don't try to play someone else's tune, they just are. They TALK. As we raise this incredible child together, we share more of our childhoods and figure out more of why we are our quirky selves. I've dropped some very toxic work related roles from my life. All along Dominic had offered his opinion on these issues but my fears of failure clouded my rational view. Funny how a lot of time over his knee has moved the clouds out of my eyes!
I'm not making a wild leap to say Submission is the key to healing all childhood anxiety and ADHD. Not at all -- But having a great life partner is key. Kinky people have to communicate well. We've learned how to communicate better and a lot of the things that kept me from feeling at peace with myself have been worked through. The brain can be retrained and our frequent connections are teaching the jumbled up wires in my head to iron themselves out and fire a little less erratically.
Whatever gets your neurotransmitters functioning, be it spanking, running marathons, or sidewalk chalk, make it happen.
The blog of a feisty, mostly submissive wife who has dreams of being a calm, cool, and collected grown-up.
You know, Madeline, you may think that you are the only one who feels that the way your brain works interferes with the way you would like to move through life. I will wager, though, that there are many of us who recognize that there are parts of us and the way we approach the people and situations in our lives that make us wish we could control that thinking more effectively. That's what makes this a good post for you and the rest of us.
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful that you were able to put this into words. I know that when I get sucked into that sort of spiral, it feels safe that Sam has a way to bring me back to center. That I can deal with the person or the situation in a much more positive way.
Great post!
Ella
You know, year one of our dynamic I wrote this post. The exception being the exception. I have dyslexia, as does our oldest child. While submission and ttwd can't 'cure' anything, not that it needs to be cured, it brought down walls I had put up not only with B but actually with myself. I began to explore the whys. Not why did I have it, but why did I choose to do xyz. Most answers have been coping mechanisms, that really weren't. In part as selfish as it sounds ttwd gave me myself and that really was the greatest gift. You see once I figured out that, I was much more willing to give myself freely to B and others....unaltered, and accept myself. This fed our relationship in ways I can't begin to explain.
ReplyDeleteI love posts like this about personal growth! Fantastic
willie
willie
Everything feels like a priority: sorting socks, playing with my kids, weeding the garden. Each choice feels like equal importance in my brain so I struggle to sort through that.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good way to put. I used to make lists and prioritizes the items. Making the list was an added task. Putting things in order was a struggle.
Hi Madeline,
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post! I can definitely relate to everything feeling like a priority.
Hugs
Roz
This is an excellent description of how things work for you, and some of it I can relate to. I also find our form of ttwd as being extremely therapeutic. It’s allowed me to let go of some serious anger that held us hostage for such a long time. I also find that it has a way of keeping me in the moment, prioritizing the now without too much worry about the other things.
ReplyDeleteThe amazing part is that works so well for us, and its great to read here that it works for you as well. This is a very good read Madeline, thanks for this post.
Oh my, I loved this post. "Happy people don't try to play someone else's tune, they just are." Frig, right? If we're happy, we don't need to go by anyone else's rules, or expectations, or paths. We're just happy being. SO much of what you wrote resounded in me. I loved this. Thank you for sharing. :)
ReplyDeleteHugs, EsMay