Wednesday, February 7, 2018

In defense of the small stuff.

We've reached a point in our dynamic where we're both on board with seemingly small things being rules. Not taking vitamins, staying up late reading or scrolling through Facebook, not eating lunch until 3 PM... things that Dominic early on said he didn't want to spank for because it seemed like he was keeping score.

We've changed our views.  Send your condolences to my ass. 

What I saw as The Small Stuff is all related to Self-Care. And that is not a small thing at all.

I had a huge explosion this past week. It was ridiculous. In the midst of my emotional storm, Dominic did all the things our favorite e-book alpha males do. He was solid. He didn't join me in the chaos. 

While he could empathize with my frustrations after a long week and some rough stuff at work and one of our children, he didn't change his expectations for how we handle life.  My freak out told Dominic that I was seriously overdue for attention from him. During our "discussion", we realized I hadn't refilled my vitamins in a long time. I hadn't drank hardly any water all week, I'd been going to bed super late. All the things needed to be a healthy human. By the time the kids were asleep, he was waiting with the hairbrush, paddle, and belt. I dreaded laying over his lap. My heart sank when he unbuttoned my pants. 

But I still wanted him to do all of those things.  Truth be told, he could have done that for three or four occasions that week and it would have been warranted. I knew this punishment was needed and overdue.

Dominic doesn't dole out consequences for not taking care of things is not because he's mad and thinks I deserve a spanking for not taking my vitamins. He doesn't spank because he's offended that I dared to raise my voice. Rather, those behaviors are red flags that my stress levels are rising. Spending time in a submissive position is my best stress relief, as much as I dread/appreciate/love it. So when I'm neglecting household chores and snapping because how it is possible we have laundry again? It's not out of a desire to make me pay.  (Though I'm sure a small part of him feels joy at watching me go from dragon lady to quietly answering "yes sir!") Those "small things" let Dominic know my grip on life is slipping a little and I need his help.

I've blogged before about how silly it is that I don't ask for stress relief. I hate asking because I feel like I've failed and "let" myself get stressed. We both know spanking chills me out, helps him understand me better, and frankly just makes me a nicer, calmer person. Life is just stressful because it is that season, so its normal and expected that I should get tired and need him to help me recenter.

Waiting for the big explosion to get spanked means I'm flailing on my own away from Dominic too long.  My explosions hurt him, they hurt my kids' feelings sometimes because really crappy things fly out of my mouth when I'm that tired and emotionally exhausted. Neither of us want that -- we are not okay with that.  There's a part of me that wants to pay for it when I lose my cool. I don't want that to be how I am. Thankfully, Dominic wants to help me. Even if he can't whip out the paddle in the middle of making dinner, he can encourage and help me get through the evening... promising he'll settle down my crazy thoughts once the kids are asleep.

But if he doesn't know this, he has to wait until I've flipped out. That isn't fair to him. So the small rules? They're all seemingly little things that are a good way for us to know how I'm doing. When I start forgetting the things that I usually prioritize, don't make time to read for fun, or even try to blog... an explosion is probably eminent. We both know the spanking is not about vitamins. The spanking is Dominic warding off bigger stress behaviors.  Does this feel silly to say "yes, I want spanked for the small stuff. I want it to matter."

Well, yeah. But it works.

As much as I'm turned on by the idea of him in dominant mode and being the boss of me and our home, it's humbling when he's actually in disciplinarian mode. Humbling--not belittling or humiliating. I know he doesn't think less of me when he makes it clear he expects me to go to sleep. We both know how unreasonable I am without enough sleep. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it when I realize I'm absentmindedly flipping through my phone after he's told me to go to bed. I'm not excited to tell him that I did exactly that last night.... more than once. It's not a desire to be willful or disobey him. I have bad sleep habits and I need his help to develop better ones! I appreciate that he's willing to help me develop better habits and not just annoyed with me for not sleeping enough.

In our early days, I felt so disappointed when I got in trouble. I thought I was failing at submission, that I wasn't dedicated enough to living this way. Even though I still get spanked for the same things, I know we've grown tremendously.  DD is a tool we use to help me stay in tune with our relationship and make it a priority when there are a lot of distracting things demanding my energy and attention.  I'm not happy when he starts spanking, but I feel so much better when it's over.

I need and appreciate that Dominic will kick to the curb all of the things that are giving me anxiety.  I over think, I have way too many decisions to make. But when I'm over his lap, I don't have to think. I am absolutely not going to be making any decisions!! It's a break that my brain desperately needs.  I have to be two steps ahead of everything and everyone when I'm in work or parenting mode. When Dominic is getting on me to take better care of myself and be present for him, I finally get to shake off all the exhausting roles I have to play. 

So yes, being held accountable for vitamins or sleep has very little to do with those things. It's Dominic keeping the crazy away from us for just awhile.... and each time helping me get a little better about self-care. Does any submissive ever say "gosh, I wish he paid less attention" or "I wish I'd gotten away with that."

Nope. The blogs, the social media networks, they all ask for more dominance, more accountability.  I think that's because we just want more of our partners; because we need them.

18 comments:

  1. Hello! This is a great post and I can tell you, we've been there. After many times when I had to be taken off the ledge, so to speak, we got to the point in our relationship where I can just say, "I need a spanking". It's worked wonders because as with your relationship, this isn't about him controlling what I do, eat, say, etc. It's about helping me over the bumps in the road. I'm lucky to have found something as quick and effective as a spanking. I don't reach for drugs or alcohol, don't need to lash out and attack my loved ones, and don't need to beat myself up because I can't get control over my own emotions. My plate is always full and it is fantastic having a man who is willing to pay attention to the small stuff and give me what I need. We have discipline spankings too (I don't ask for those!) but they are few and far between; usually a result of me ignoring something that we've discussed more than two or three times. Resets are the most common and then, when Eric is traveling less, there are those sexy spankings too. Great post Madeline. We do need our partners.
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Amy, great thoughts - that's very much our pattern too, side effects of spanking verses other popular stress relievers are pretty minimal! Glad we've got such great partners.

      Delete
  2. I loved that dragon lady comment. From dragon lady to 'yes sir'. I shared this post with my Sir, and he is pretty much in agreement with all you've written.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lea, thanks for reading and sharing! This thing works when we let it, doesn't it?

      Delete
  3. Excellent post, Madeline. I loved this one, even though I can never ask for a spanking. Last weekend brought Sam to a very real "adjustment." You following words really spoke to me:

    "But when I'm over his lap, I don't have to think. I am absolutely not going to be making any decisions!!"

    You said it all,
    Ella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I understand all of these things, but it's by no means easy to ask. I avoid it plenty! It seems so ridiculous when the big "adjustment" comes and I could have asked so many times.

      Delete
  4. WOW...so true all of this. You both have come a long way...and asking is still difficult for me, luckily M is good at readying my body and emotional language.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's still difficult for us too. Yes, we've come along way but have so much growth ahead of us.

      Delete
  5. This is such a great post Madeline and it's true, the small things are a sign of bigger stresses. Why is asking so hard? Argh!

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I knew! Sorry to reply so late, March flew by and I realized I hadn't opened the blog in over a month. Back at it!

      Delete
  6. For the first couple of years of our ttwd dynamic, our relationship was very similar. Barney wouldn't always spank/punish for every little infraction in the moment, but would use them as a gauge of where my submissive heartset was at. More and more he realized that I would block up, shut out, distance when I started to step away from my core. Things would then change in my demeanor- almost as a defense mechanism. I am not sure all of those puzzle pieces went together exactly at the same time for him- In fact neither of us really knew the extend of it until years later- but the end result was the same-forgotten expectations, broken rules, curt wife...something was up and a reset needed to happen!

    As for the 'when over his knee...." I once read long ago that being in pain (from a spanking) takes us out our critical line of thinking- basically emptying our heads. Sure there are a million other reasons given the situation why we feel all sorts of things, but that " out of our critical line of thinking' really stuck with me, as it made so much sense. At least it has does in my experience.

    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This makes so much sense. Maybe "empty my head" will be easier to ask for?! :)

      Delete
  7. Great post Madeline and I agree with it all. The small things add up to bigger things. I think we all find it hard to ask for a spanking.
    Hugs Lindy xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lindy! Glad I'm not the only one.

      Delete
  8. Hi Madeline, :) I agree with you completely. The little things add up, and when they are nipped... in the bottom, that tends to ward off a bigger spanking down the road. It's a wonderful thing when our fellas can read us well, and take us there when needed. Though I do think that they can't get it right every time. They are human. So sometimes we have to tell them. It used to be hard for me to ask at those times. I can do it now. Though Rob gets to decide if, when and where. Great post! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi! Hoping it gets easier, but I suppose I'm the only one who can change that :) Good to hear from you!

      Delete
  9. Hi Madeline. I loved this post, thank you so much for sharing. I get the same way, too little sleep, and I just literally can't seem to control myself. And yet, almost every night, there it is, the end of the day, my child has finally fallen asleep, it's 8 hours until I need to be up, and I haven't had a second to myself all day... and I sacrifice sleep for a bit of me time. Thankfully the Duke is starting to see how little she sleeps, how much I do around the house, and is making me take 1-2 hours every night with him watching her and me in another part of the house. He's been doing it about a month, and it seriously is helping. So glad that you and your man have been able to see that the little things really are important things. I love seeing couples work together like this. I will send my condolences to your bottom. :)
    hugs, EsMay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sleep is so important! Working on improving those habits too, but it makes such a difference in how I feel mentally and physically when I do sleep.

      Delete