Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Cheaper than therapy.

There are days I question both Dominic and I's mental health. Those thoughts hit on the days where the kids are out of school, one or more sick, work stress, our families wanting more time, etc. Then I remember we're just exhausted from these wonderful, all-consuming days of our lives. We aren't parenting poorly, our jobs aren't toxic, it's just a lot.

Sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) I hesitate to tell Dominic what I need. I don't feel like explaining myself or having a long discussion, I can barely stand to be around me by the end of the day! I don't have a major rule violation to own up to.

Over Christmas break we had a very hard day with one of our children. I flopped into the bathtub with a drink and book after we got through bedtime. I'd willingly slid down the slippery slope of self-pity and blaming myself for every poor choice this child made.  Dominic asked "What do you need from me?"  I've thought about that conversation a lot. I didn't know how to answer it.

I really hadn't done anything wrong and wasn't acting like I was super stressed. I just felt exhaustion. Looking back, I wish I could have answered that I needed him to show me how much stronger he is than me, that even though he'd been in the trenches of parenting with me all day, I needed to feel his dominance and hopefully some of his internal strength would transfer onto me... because I was just spent.

When I'm beyond physical exhaustion and my soul is weary, I don't add value to any conversation. I've got nothing left and will seriously explode if one more thing is asked of me. I really could do some harm to Dominic if he asks me to locate an object in that moment... The safest place in the world for me to be at that moment is in submission. I'll start breathing again, cry out the angst and annoyances I pretend to not file away throughout the day, and knock all of the weight off my shoulders that probably doesn't even belong there. Because my husband is a dominant, not a domineering asshole, it's taken us time to realize that spanking is a good way to handle a huge wave of emotions. Dominic didn't just get frustrated by my moods and start spanking and it luckily worked out... it's something that we've figured out works.

I TOLD HIM after a grumpy morning while traveling that yes, spanking probably would have helped. Sometimes there's not a dragon for him to slay for me, I don't need help with a specific task. But I do need my brain to just shut up and let me rest. It's a bit silly, we both know it'll help but I still hesitate to communicate that need. Once I put up the SOS, I'm in for a vulnerable, intense ride, that will end with us both happier, relaxed, and in tune with each other...

but I still go back and forth on whether or not to ask.💁

16 comments:

  1. Good god, Madeline. This is like the eternal question for those of us who live with ttwd. "Why can't I ask to be spanked when I know that is what I need?"

    If I asked, I tell myself, then I would take Sam's dominance away from him, and he would just be doing me a favor. At least this is the struggle that goes on in my head. It would never be the same as if he just did it on his own. It's dumb, but that is the reality, at least for me.

    If you ever figure out how to let it be Dominic's idea, let us know. The answer to that one will be as impressive as really knowing, "What came first? The chicken or the egg?"

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. It's an ongoing struggle, but I'll let you know what we figure out along the way!

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  2. Madeline,
    I love what I read here. When things are tough, you lean in. The safest place is in your submission. So interesting because I am working on a post somewhat like this. You are using your submission to get you through. I love that and that is just what I am doing here too. Great post!
    Meredith

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  3. Hi Madeline,

    This is a great post! This is something we all struggle with I think. Why is it so hard to ask for what we need, and why can't he just know dammit lol.

    Love what you said about the safest place to be is in submission.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz, I know we can all relate, as silly as it is!

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  4. Yes Madeline. ASK. Eric and I had the conversation today that by being open to each others needs, by being in a place where we can just flat out say what would make us feel better, we are both better off. Let's face it. Our men want to be the providers and protectors - they want to make us happy. The reality is, if we give them the blue print, their lives are easier and and it benefits us both. So, not to preach, but my answer is ASK. Always ask.
    Amy

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    1. Yes! Up to us to quit playing coy with the blueprint!

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  5. Hi Madeline, :) I just wrote a comment that got lost in space... I'll try again.

    My answer is similar to Amy's. I think that it is not only A-OK to ask for a spanking, but I think that it is important to do so, when you feel the need, and your fella/partner has not picked up on that. "Tell him what you need" is some of the best advice that I have ever received. That was pre-ttwd. It applies here. I've learned that open communication is the key to the greatest of intimacy. In a perfect world, we would all be mind readers. While our Hoh/Dominant/or however you want to refer to him or her, leads, cares for us, and all of that good stuff, they too are affected by day to day life. They won't always notice every sign. They too get tired, etc. They want to make us happy. We need to share. I don't hesitate to tell Rob if I feel the need for a spanking. He gets to decide when and where, etc. I'm always glad that I ask when I need to... though not always in a spanking moment!

    Sounds like you both are doing great! It is exhausting with a houseful of little ones. Great post! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Thanks Katie, it's been a bit of a rough go this month but we're getting back to how we know we work best.

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  6. I always enjoy reading here, your thoughts and feelings come across so clearly and are always well written. Thank you for that.
    I think that asking for what we need comes from a level of comfort. Asking for a spanking is not like asking for a second cup of coffee. I believe it will come. It’s even possible that Dominic will get there before you do and realize those times a spanking is needed to offer you that relief. He will come to know how much you love his dominance but also desperately need it at times. I agree with your statement about ‘the safest place to be at that moment is in submission’. This often works for me when spanking isn’t an option, there really is no other safety net like it during those times.
    I have noticed a progression regarding our own ttwd, the ebb and flow, it’s all happened over time. It’s something you both want and you know it works well for you, give it the time it needs and continue making it a priority as best you can.

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    1. Very helpful Laurel! I laughed outloud at "Asking for a spanking is not like asking for a second cup of coffee. I"

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  7. It's so hard sometimes to say what you think you need. But even if you're not sure, it is always better to speak up. They can decide what they want to do, but keeping them aware of your mental state helps.

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    1. Your comment made me think a bit- this isn't about asking for a spanking, but checking in on mental state. That's so important!

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  8. Hi Madeline, It is so hard to ask for what we need, yet if we did things would be so much better. Hopefully you find a way to do it one day and let us all know the secret.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. Here's to hoping I figure it out... this week was not so great!

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