Cheaper than therapy.

There are days I question both Dominic and I's mental health. Those thoughts hit on the days where the kids are out of school, one or more sick, work stress, our families wanting more time, etc. Then I remember we're just exhausted from these wonderful, all-consuming days of our lives. We aren't parenting poorly, our jobs aren't toxic, it's just a lot.

Sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) I hesitate to tell Dominic what I need. I don't feel like explaining myself or having a long discussion, I can barely stand to be around me by the end of the day! I don't have a major rule violation to own up to.

Over Christmas break we had a very hard day with one of our children. I flopped into the bathtub with a drink and book after we got through bedtime. I'd willingly slid down the slippery slope of self-pity and blaming myself for every poor choice this child made.  Dominic asked "What do you need from me?"  I've thought about that conversation a lot. I didn't know how to answer it.

I really hadn't done anything wrong and wasn't acting like I was super stressed. I just felt exhaustion. Looking back, I wish I could have answered that I needed him to show me how much stronger he is than me, that even though he'd been in the trenches of parenting with me all day, I needed to feel his dominance and hopefully some of his internal strength would transfer onto me... because I was just spent.

When I'm beyond physical exhaustion and my soul is weary, I don't add value to any conversation. I've got nothing left and will seriously explode if one more thing is asked of me. I really could do some harm to Dominic if he asks me to locate an object in that moment... The safest place in the world for me to be at that moment is in submission. I'll start breathing again, cry out the angst and annoyances I pretend to not file away throughout the day, and knock all of the weight off my shoulders that probably doesn't even belong there. Because my husband is a dominant, not a domineering asshole, it's taken us time to realize that spanking is a good way to handle a huge wave of emotions. Dominic didn't just get frustrated by my moods and start spanking and it luckily worked out... it's something that we've figured out works.

I TOLD HIM after a grumpy morning while traveling that yes, spanking probably would have helped. Sometimes there's not a dragon for him to slay for me, I don't need help with a specific task. But I do need my brain to just shut up and let me rest. It's a bit silly, we both know it'll help but I still hesitate to communicate that need. Once I put up the SOS, I'm in for a vulnerable, intense ride, that will end with us both happier, relaxed, and in tune with each other...

but I still go back and forth on whether or not to ask.💁