We've reached a point in our dynamic where we're both on board with seemingly small things being rules. Not taking vitamins, staying up late reading or scrolling through Facebook, not eating lunch until 3 PM... things that Dominic early on said he didn't want to spank for because it seemed like he was keeping score.
We've changed our views. Send your condolences to my ass.
What I saw as The Small Stuff is all related to Self-Care. And that is not a small thing at all.
I had a huge explosion this past week. It was ridiculous. In the midst of my emotional storm, Dominic did all the things our favorite e-book alpha males do. He was solid. He didn't join me in the chaos.
While he could empathize with my frustrations after a long week and some rough stuff at work and one of our children, he didn't change his expectations for how we handle life. My freak out told Dominic that I was seriously overdue for attention from him. During our "discussion", we realized I hadn't refilled my vitamins in a long time. I hadn't drank hardly any water all week, I'd been going to bed super late. All the things needed to be a healthy human. By the time the kids were asleep, he was waiting with the hairbrush, paddle, and belt. I dreaded laying over his lap. My heart sank when he unbuttoned my pants.
But I still wanted him to do all of those things. Truth be told, he could have done that for three or four occasions that week and it would have been warranted. I knew this punishment was needed and overdue.
Dominic doesn't dole out consequences for not taking care of things is not because he's mad and thinks I deserve a spanking for not taking my vitamins. He doesn't spank because he's offended that I dared to raise my voice. Rather, those behaviors are red flags that my stress levels are rising. Spending time in a submissive position is my best stress relief, as much as I dread/appreciate/love it. So when I'm neglecting household chores and snapping because how it is possible we have laundry again? It's not out of a desire to make me pay. (Though I'm sure a small part of him feels joy at watching me go from dragon lady to quietly answering "yes sir!") Those "small things" let Dominic know my grip on life is slipping a little and I need his help.
I've blogged before about how silly it is that I don't ask for stress relief. I hate asking because I feel like I've failed and "let" myself get stressed. We both know spanking chills me out, helps him understand me better, and frankly just makes me a nicer, calmer person. Life is just stressful because it is that season, so its normal and expected that I should get tired and need him to help me recenter.
Waiting for the big explosion to get spanked means I'm flailing on my own away from Dominic too long. My explosions hurt him, they hurt my kids' feelings sometimes because really crappy things fly out of my mouth when I'm that tired and emotionally exhausted. Neither of us want that -- we are not okay with that. There's a part of me that wants to pay for it when I lose my cool. I don't want that to be how I am. Thankfully, Dominic wants to help me. Even if he can't whip out the paddle in the middle of making dinner, he can encourage and help me get through the evening... promising he'll settle down my crazy thoughts once the kids are asleep.
But if he doesn't know this, he has to wait until I've flipped out. That isn't fair to him. So the small rules? They're all seemingly little things that are a good way for us to know how I'm doing. When I start forgetting the things that I usually prioritize, don't make time to read for fun, or even try to blog... an explosion is probably eminent. We both know the spanking is not about vitamins. The spanking is Dominic warding off bigger stress behaviors. Does this feel silly to say "yes, I want spanked for the small stuff. I want it to matter."
Well, yeah. But it works.
As much as I'm turned on by the idea of him in dominant mode and being the boss of me and our home, it's humbling when he's actually in disciplinarian mode. Humbling--not belittling or humiliating. I know he doesn't think less of me when he makes it clear he expects me to go to sleep. We both know how unreasonable I am without enough sleep. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it when I realize I'm absentmindedly flipping through my phone after he's told me to go to bed. I'm not excited to tell him that I did exactly that last night.... more than once. It's not a desire to be willful or disobey him. I have bad sleep habits and I need his help to develop better ones! I appreciate that he's willing to help me develop better habits and not just annoyed with me for not sleeping enough.
In our early days, I felt so disappointed when I got in trouble. I thought I was failing at submission, that I wasn't dedicated enough to living this way. Even though I still get spanked for the same things, I know we've grown tremendously. DD is a tool we use to help me stay in tune with our relationship and make it a priority when there are a lot of distracting things demanding my energy and attention. I'm not happy when he starts spanking, but I feel so much better when it's over.
I need and appreciate that Dominic will kick to the curb all of the things that are giving me anxiety. I over think, I have way too many decisions to make. But when I'm over his lap, I don't have to think. I am absolutely not going to be making any decisions!! It's a break that my brain desperately needs. I have to be two steps ahead of everything and everyone when I'm in work or parenting mode. When Dominic is getting on me to take better care of myself and be present for him, I finally get to shake off all the exhausting roles I have to play.
So yes, being held accountable for vitamins or sleep has very little to do with those things. It's Dominic keeping the crazy away from us for just awhile.... and each time helping me get a little better about self-care. Does any submissive ever say "gosh, I wish he paid less attention" or "I wish I'd gotten away with that."
Nope. The blogs, the social media networks, they all ask for more dominance, more accountability. I think that's because we just want more of our partners; because we need them.