Sunday, April 22, 2018

"Not for the weak of heart"

Oh, I have a blog? If I'm mindlessly scrolling through Instagram or twitter, no one needs me. If I attempt to write or read a real book? All the people need all the things.

I last blogged about the small things. Life has done its thing and we've barely registered the big or small things for a few months. I hate to say it's just that time of year, that we've been busy, or our kids are small. There will always be a reason to put us on the back burner. When we operate in survival mode, we aren't at our best in any of our roles. It's not only our relationship that suffers, I'm irritable and easily flustered everywhere. I take things personally, forget why I have firmer boundaries with a particular friend or co-worker, or get in text message battles about current events with a sibling I KNOW not to engage with about those hot topics.

Eventually Dominic will have just had it and I'll ruefully admit I've had it with myself too. The chaos will end with a bang and he'll be very intentional about keeping our schedule structured.  Last week he said "this is ends now." And it did. We've since been figuring out how to make more frequent check-ins part of our schedule. Yes, we're short on both time and energy. But this house needs a calm mama. Since science says neurons are contagious, we've got to keep me in that post-spanking chill. We know the "small stuff" is a path to the bigger problems. Our struggle has been carving out that time to enforce the smaller stuff.

Businesses and organizations hit a growth point where they're no longer a start-up and can't keep operating the way they always have. Hard conversations happen to determine if that organization will grow or die. Relationships are like that too. We hit at a point in our DD/ttwd dynamic that the rules we'd initially enforced, how we communicated, the intensity at which Dominic spanked, or even the combinations of implements, and precisely which offenses are best served with spanking required evaluation. It's so easy to let an expectation take shape in your brain without realizing you've put it on a pedestal while not communicating it to the person you want to meet this expectation!

Post-spanking I'm more mindful about going to Dominic with my needs. It's at the front of his mind that I want him to take control of a situation, of us, so I can handle all the other stuff being thrown my way. Whether it’s childcare arrangements or a purchase I need to make, I am hyper aware of the need to check in with Dominic. I don't worry I’m bugging him or becoming a codependent overly clingy wife. I'm okay with needing him and he's quite okay with being needed.

But I let other thoughts push that reality to the backburner. I think I'm too busy to check-in, that he doesn't need so many stupid text messages, I should let him just work... Aren't I capable of dealing with <said situation> on my own? Is this even a big deal?

And then I compare...Always a toxic place to be. The nuclear fallout land of Comparison. Are other women having this much trouble handling hiccups? This spiral of self-doubt and deflating my confidence in this very good dynamic deepens the stress that naturally builds in a busy season of life.

Last week when Dominic had absolutely had it and made it very clear that my stress behaviors were o v e r,  he ordered more implements. Although we have plenty of implements that work just fine, they weren't quiet. The noise factor is what prevents us from dealing with issues immediately or results in punishment delayed for days. Too often, by the time the house is quiet, we can't keep our eyes open.

These nasty things have joined our implement drawer. I'm really not at all thrilled at all. I am always caught off guard when Dominic just makes up his mind and our dynamic catapults somewhere new.  I think we've both embraced the reality that Dominic in Dom mode is a good thing for us and how frequent or infrequently he needs to make me feel that dominance is going to fluctuate. Right now, it seems to be fairly frequent and fairly intense.  The "loopy johnny" in the photo above let Dominic deliver a pretty quick mid-afternoon "get it together" spanking that was extremely quiet. It wasn't long, we didn't have time to discuss and connect like we'd normally do. But the reset button was hit, and the rest of the day was much more pleasant.

In another season, my snarky comments may truly be funny and not a warning to Dominic of an imminent meltdown.  I may not assume a funny text message is him blaming me for something. Who knows what more sleep and children who require less assistance with their restroom use and personal hygiene will do for our brains! (And yes, I know I'll miss these days. I do adore my affectionate, hilarious children. A mother can love her children and be exhausted all at the same time.)

Perhaps in a different season of life, less intensity in our dynamic will make sense. But in this moment in time, in a season of life that's requires us to be all in all the time... adding an implement that boats of being "not for the weak of heart"seems fitting. 


  1. It’s good to hear from you again, you’ve been missed.
    Life in your house sounds busy as always, just like here, sometimes it’s good, bad, or otherwise, it happens to us all. Taking the proactive approach and checking in with your guy regarding your needs is always best, but for a variety of reasons not always easy. I think not second guessing yourself about doing so will come with more time. As you’ve said things have changed as time has passed already and they will continue to do so. In the meantime good luck with that loopy thing, it looks very serious! We know well the concern with noise and have had to delay many ‘meetings’ due to it but I’m happy to say at this point there is no loopy thing in my house. Lol!

    1. The implements might be quiet but I'm sure not! Ouch! I've missed writing here, thanks for still reading.

  2. Hi Madeline,

    It's great to hear from you :) Things sound super busy, it's great that you are trying to work on checking-in more frequently. The smaller stuff can definitely have a habit of leading to bigger stuff.

    I know quiet implements have their place, but no thank you! lol, especially to the loopy!


    1. No fan of the quiet implements at all, but they get the job done :(

  3. Madeline!
    Hang in there girl and do take the time to savor the moments, as busy as they are, with your little ones. The silent implements truly are only silent in action but they make me LOUD. ;)

    1. Hah! Yes, my volume level is quite difficult to control with them. Ouch!

  4. Madeline,
    I have missed you. Spankings are so loud! Bare skin, the noise out of a wife's mouth, all of it......... make for a noisy exchange for sure. Please be here more often.

  5. Those implements are certainly attention getters.

    As a mother who started ttwd when our oldest was just entering his teens, I can tell you they may not need you physically when they get older but MENTALLY...oh Lord they take up a lot of real estate in your brain. So keep those quiet implements well looked after ( I think we are on our 4th cane) and some day you might have to 'train' yourself to stay quiet ( I find hissing through my teeth is effective-LOL). Life gets a whole lot more complicated and privacy a whole lot less the older they get!

    Happy to hear that you have figured out what you both need, and you are accepting that for some their need for Dominance comes and goes. I know for us Barney's need for Dominance was fulfilled before my submission was a few years after we started ttwd. It took a lot of communication and understanding for us to move past that. We aren't always on the same page, but his baseline and mine are- so that is helpful.

    Hopefully you will be able to write a bit more. I always enjoy reading.


  6. I am just returning form lots of traveling, and I enjoyed your post, Madeline. Even without little ones in the house, it is easy to get so busy that the connection that keeps us both happy and close,falls by the wayside. When we returned home recently, there were several spankings just to get us back on track.

    Hugs From Ella