It's more than a preference, it's a craving.

I need to make an infographic of Red Flags that your partner is craving your domination. They make them for all sorts of horrible diseases, real and imagined....  why not this? Because I now can feel it coming and it comes more often now. Being connected is so so sweet that as soon as we start to drift into busyness, I start feeling the jitters. Once those jitters hit, I know I'm going to snap at someone over nothing within 24 hours. Oh I can try, but it's awfully hard to fight off those jitters. My kids pick up on it and their behavior gets whiny. In the back of my head, I realize I'm just waiting for my husband to tell me he's had it.

When I stay in a jittery spell but have to be patient until there's time to responsibly have our fun, I am reminded of how good this thing is for us. When we get wildly busy and my husband is up late working, he'll always tells me to let him know if I need him. I'm usually exhausted and fall asleep quickly.  Too many nights I let the temptation of enjoying a quiet house suck me into reading far after bedtime.

Quite recently, I realized this reading books, blogs, and comments during times of low communication is slippery slope. When I'm reading a sexy novel, I'm exposed to some dominant sex scenes with couple who do not exist in real life. They don't have to worry about cleaning up the bathroom after toddler bath time, that time of the month, or children's meltdowns at bedtime. Book characters don't have toddlers yelling at them about socks in the morning. They're leisurely enjoying coffee and morning blowjobs. I didn't realize until very, very recently how those books can build expectations in my mind! It's easy enough to tell my husband "this book is hot!" or "this scene looks fun!" but I fall asleep and then the day starts all over again.  My husband may not even know y'all are picking up ginger for more than cooking and I'm wondering if it would be horrible or fun! So there's my warning on reading... talk to my husband about what I'm reading!

So there's that going on and I haven't broken any big rules and we're in survival mode, so why would I want to interrupt peace and quiet? Even though I know darn good and well I need him. Of course he won't be annoyed if I go to him. When we're in our groove and I feel and see him comfortable in leading, I don't feel weird about going to him.

But when we've gone through that valley where he shoots me a look when I snap but forgets by the time we can deal with it or I'm mindlessly texting and driving and don't even think to tell him, and it feels like months since I've even though to be mindful of vitamins and bedtime, well I quickly talk myself out of going to him. That's when I know the power exchange is just as important to us as the erotic appeal of spanking. There's always some fun spanking in our dynamic and we both like that! But I badly need the power exchange in our lives.

He's waiting for me to tell him I need him while my subconscious is waiting for him to claim me.  Yes, I consented to this, I want to submit so why should he have to make me?  There's some unsettled part of me that wants a bit of neanderthal to pull me close so I can feel that he's got me both then and days after.  That in all the unpredictable things we can't control that seem to go nuclear on us without warning, this thing with us is solid. I need that re-entry into the dynamic,  just because he can where it's just all enough and he needs me as much as I'm craving him.  When it's been awhile since he's given me the raised eyebrows or texted to ask if I've drank water, tells me to come sit just because he wants me by him, or asks out of the blue if I'm being good today... it's a slow trickle of missed power exchange opportunities and I guess my account goes negative and needs something big to get us back where we should be. When he speaks to me there's a shift from speaking to me like he's expecting immediate compliance to calling for me to see if I'm busy an will come. I like hearing him expect my obedience. Even if I groan while getting up from the floor because I'm approaching middle age! There's a powerful catharsis that comes with being dominated, in the big an small ways. All day long, my energy and attention are pulled to so many other things. I don't get to let go. When my brain doesn't get to let go, it's just too easy to fall back into old habits. Whether it's the small ways throughout the day or settling in for a longer spanking, where he's settled in to give me the dominance I need to work out whatever is cluttering my head. Where spending that time in complying in a vulnerable position while he's fully in dominant gets us moving to where we both know we belong.

As fierce as I feel I have to be everywhere else, knowing he's strong enough to take me on and let me go blissfully mindless... helps me keep up the fierce everywhere else. (Sometimes I need to fiercely protect him and love him when he's hurt, caring for a partner isn't solely his responsibility.)

We both can respect each other without this dynamic, I could figure out how to settle myself without him... I suppose?! But I picked him and I need him. Claiming me makes me continually crave him, no matter how hard life gets.

Spank your way to happiness!

Stumbled across this article on the internet. We all knew this right? While we've never had huge relationship drama, our communication and ease in discussing the tough stuff has grown so much since we opened the door to this lifestyle. The thing with going down this road is that even when there are spells where outside stressors, family situations, health, or whatever it is that puts this dynamic on the back burner... it never goes away completely. The growth we experience both individually and as a couple goes with us through those gaps when spankings and power exchange aren't getting much attention.

There are also times where it's not responsible to enforce strict rules or expect my husband to stay in serious Dom mode. I've had to tinker with various medication dosages over the years. That's not a great time to spank like all is well. The past few summers we've faced some really tough hurts with each of our extended families. As we've worked through those, we've each just not had anything else to give. As my husband hurt it may have seemed like I stepped into a more aggressive role in insisting he put up certain boundaries with family. But it wasn't like our pre-DD days. Where I may have yelled and just been so angry about him being hurt, I have more empathy now. I felt sad he was being hurt. I felt driven to protect him. We both prefer those nights that end with us in our preferred dynamic, checking in, spanking whether for play or seriousness. But these valleys, while frustrating, help keep us real with each other. In those "hard to explain until you're in it" things you only learn exist when in a long-term committed relationship, some very big, good things have happened. It's not a good thing when either of us is hurting. It's heartbreaking to watch. I wish these things didn't come to pass. But we come through them closer. And somehow our hard kid is turning into the most emotionally healthy, self-aware, confident human being I've ever met. I attribute a lot of that to the discussions my husband and I have when I'm bent over the bed or kneeling. He and I are both becoming better communicators and more comfortable talking about emotions and expectations. Everyone around us benefits from us being emotionally healthier.  In the years we've been in this dynamic, I've learned more about myself than the rest of my life combined. 

I've been thinking lately about how important it is to prioritize our dynamic when we aren't caught up in other things. To really weigh what is worth our energy if it takes us away from this. Because when things come up that we have to be pulled into, be it a child's struggle or mother-in-law chaos, we are better prepared to take on those storms. The hard things in life have a way of pulling a couple apart. Hunkering down and intentionally living the HOH/submissive dynamic protects us from those things - and we've got to remember that when it's so easy to go to bed rather than check-in over something seemingly minute.

Whatever goes on neurologically during this power exchange is really, really good stuff. I wouldn't recommend treating depression, anxiety, or any other mental health need with spanking and kinky sex... please see a professional mental health provider!! (No shame in it, we've all got mental health needs!) But whatever your thing, make time for it. You'll feel better.