Wednesday, June 13, 2018

It's more than a preference, it's a craving.

I need to make an infographic of Red Flags that your partner is craving your domination. They make them for all sorts of horrible diseases, real and imagined....  why not this? Because I now can feel it coming and it comes more often now. Being connected is so so sweet that as soon as we start to drift into busyness, I start feeling the jitters. Once those jitters hit, I know I'm going to snap at someone over nothing within 24 hours. Oh I can try, but it's awfully hard to fight off those jitters. My kids pick up on it and their behavior gets whiny. In the back of my head, I realize I'm just waiting for my husband to tell me he's had it.

When I stay in a jittery spell but have to be patient until there's time to responsibly have our fun, I am reminded of how good this thing is for us. When we get wildly busy and my husband is up late working, he'll always tells me to let him know if I need him. I'm usually exhausted and fall asleep quickly.  Too many nights I let the temptation of enjoying a quiet house suck me into reading far after bedtime.

Quite recently, I realized this reading books, blogs, and comments during times of low communication is slippery slope. When I'm reading a sexy novel, I'm exposed to some dominant sex scenes with couple who do not exist in real life. They don't have to worry about cleaning up the bathroom after toddler bath time, that time of the month, or children's meltdowns at bedtime. Book characters don't have toddlers yelling at them about socks in the morning. They're leisurely enjoying coffee and morning blowjobs. I didn't realize until very, very recently how those books can build expectations in my mind! It's easy enough to tell my husband "this book is hot!" or "this scene looks fun!" but I fall asleep and then the day starts all over again.  My husband may not even know y'all are picking up ginger for more than cooking and I'm wondering if it would be horrible or fun! So there's my warning on reading... talk to my husband about what I'm reading!

So there's that going on and I haven't broken any big rules and we're in survival mode, so why would I want to interrupt peace and quiet? Even though I know darn good and well I need him. Of course he won't be annoyed if I go to him. When we're in our groove and I feel and see him comfortable in leading, I don't feel weird about going to him.

But when we've gone through that valley where he shoots me a look when I snap but forgets by the time we can deal with it or I'm mindlessly texting and driving and don't even think to tell him, and it feels like months since I've even though to be mindful of vitamins and bedtime, well I quickly talk myself out of going to him. That's when I know the power exchange is just as important to us as the erotic appeal of spanking. There's always some fun spanking in our dynamic and we both like that! But I badly need the power exchange in our lives.

He's waiting for me to tell him I need him while my subconscious is waiting for him to claim me.  Yes, I consented to this, I want to submit so why should he have to make me?  There's some unsettled part of me that wants a bit of neanderthal to pull me close so I can feel that he's got me both then and days after.  That in all the unpredictable things we can't control that seem to go nuclear on us without warning, this thing with us is solid. I need that re-entry into the dynamic,  just because he can where it's just all enough and he needs me as much as I'm craving him.  When it's been awhile since he's given me the raised eyebrows or texted to ask if I've drank water, tells me to come sit just because he wants me by him, or asks out of the blue if I'm being good today... it's a slow trickle of missed power exchange opportunities and I guess my account goes negative and needs something big to get us back where we should be. When he speaks to me there's a shift from speaking to me like he's expecting immediate compliance to calling for me to see if I'm busy an will come. I like hearing him expect my obedience. Even if I groan while getting up from the floor because I'm approaching middle age! There's a powerful catharsis that comes with being dominated, in the big an small ways. All day long, my energy and attention are pulled to so many other things. I don't get to let go. When my brain doesn't get to let go, it's just too easy to fall back into old habits. Whether it's the small ways throughout the day or settling in for a longer spanking, where he's settled in to give me the dominance I need to work out whatever is cluttering my head. Where spending that time in complying in a vulnerable position while he's fully in dominant gets us moving to where we both know we belong.

As fierce as I feel I have to be everywhere else, knowing he's strong enough to take me on and let me go blissfully mindless... helps me keep up the fierce everywhere else. (Sometimes I need to fiercely protect him and love him when he's hurt, caring for a partner isn't solely his responsibility.)

We both can respect each other without this dynamic, I could figure out how to settle myself without him... I suppose?! But I picked him and I need him. Claiming me makes me continually crave him, no matter how hard life gets.

16 comments:

  1. Hi, Madeline! Yep, we NEED this. Need our guys to dominant and we need them to do it on their own without us feeling like we're "topping from the bottom." I just blogged about some of the same things you're talking about. I love your red flag idea! lol Some of us have color codes for safe words... why not have your flags, too, that say, "Need to be dominated now."
    Anyway, don't make yourself wait too long before you talk to him about this... too much frustration. I"m sure you will both find that balance again, the give and take, the domination and submission and the results that we all crave. Nice post! Hugs, Windy

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    1. Hi Wendy! We joke about this so much I really should come up with a code chart.

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  2. Hello Madeline! I know exactly what you mean. When Eric travels for weeks at a time, I find myself lost in blog land and reading sexy novels. The craving builds. Add to it the trials and tribulations of work, kids, life and you got it - I want nothing more than my husband to check in, take charge, claim his power, and give me the seductive break I need. Create that flag, girl. We'll all be waving it. :)
    Amy

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    1. Travel is so hard with kids! They're just as excited as I am to greet him and have his attention.

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  3. You touch on that ever important and elusive topic, "Why can't I ask for his domination?" Sam has questioned me time and again, and I never know how to explain.

    If I ask, then I am not being dominated, am I? I am merely putting in my order for a Happy Meal at McDonald's. Not the same. I know they cannot read our minds, but I always hope he is learning to read my heart.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. I like the McDonalds analogy. This dynamic does help lead us to our partner's heart.

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  4. Hi Madeline,

    This is a great post and I can totally relate to the craving, and wanting it to come from him rather than having to ask.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz! I guess it should just be safe for them to assume domination is always a good idea :)

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  5. I agree with what Ella has expressed. We have been doing this a long time ( and trust me in some relationships getting the dominance you NEED does take a long time, then you change and you need more or different dominance etc...). Asking for dominance seems counterproductive as it doesn't seem authentic. The first few years of this I felt that if I asked he was a 'service Dom'. Play acting a part for my benefit and while it temporarily scratched the surface it didn't 'activate' me in any real way.

    So what's a girl to do? A few things helped here until B opened the door to his authentic dominant self. Of course that dreaded communication word. *BUT* it has to be effective 'man-style- communication. Saying, " I need to feel your dominance" can send some men into a bit of a questioning tailspin. It is better to sit down and talk ( my experience anyway) expressing examples of dominance- like you touched on here. Draw from your past. Use examples of things he has already done to start. And when/if he starts to, ask about if you drank your water, thank him. Tell him in that moment how it makes you feel. As time goes on and you grow open up the dialogue to include areas where you think if he did xyz it would touch your submissive core. Sure the first few times he does xyz feels much like he's doing it just for you, but as I always say most women bring spanking to their relationship and we get over the awkwardness of the first few times until our men make it their own. Other acts of dominance aren't any different. Eventually like the Dd portion they see the difference, they feel the difference and they embrace the role. Ideally I mean there can always be a slide back or those who really aren't dominant.

    In our case my husband just needed me to lead us to the door, and open it, he brought us through ( not without it's struggles). Much of the path he had started on his own, I just connected the dots for him. Life's distractions have a tendency to find us not focused on that particular path, or feeling like our partner is not. Communication is never 'topping from the bottom' ( a BDSM term anyway). And as B once said, " A man can only be topped if he allows it". So if that has gone through your mind let it exit.

    Also I know this may be challenging, but as Windy said it is a NEED for some ( myself included). Allow yourself to see that. A craving can represent a fleeting moment, like craving ice cream. A need is something you require to survive. Sure you can exist without dominance, but you can really THRIVE with it. For me it allows my authentic self to emerge. Who wouldn't want that?

    Basically you are at a big turning point in your dynamic and in your personal growth. Spankings have their place but the acts of dominance in between bring continuity to your dynamic. I have always said, Dd is reactionary, you break a rule, you get spanked. The broader D/s aspect of Dd is preventative. He cultivates an environment in which you remain submissive and the punishments diminish because of it. Your submission shines because you feel it not just choose it.

    willie

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    1. I appreciate your thoughtful feedback! This is a never ending journey of figuring out what we want and need as we grow.

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  6. Hi Madeline-
    I very much enjoyed the tone and honesty of this post. This may be a common struggle in a lot of relationships but something about your unique voice really came through.
    Thanks for sharing.

    I won't offer any advice as Wilma nailed a lot of things perfectly.

    Best,
    Enzo

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    1. Thanks for commenting and reading, Enzo!

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  7. I understand the almost constant need or desire for dominance. We know it’s what keeps things on an even keel, what keeps me happy, and us in sync. It can’t always happen for whatever reason but when it does it’s power is highly effective and very satisfying. As you said a ‘powerful catharsis’. It has taken time to get here, to really fine tune things, but the rewards are huge. If I were you I’d be making those flags or putting it out there a couple of times to at least see what comes, he’s a busy guy too.
    Thank you for sharing, you express yourself so well.

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    1. Hi Laurel, thanks for commenting and continuing to read my neglected blog!

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  8. Hello there, for some reason i haven't seen you around before... but I'm here now. It's great to read the "real" side of D/s in your post and I agree that Wilma has everything covered in her comment.

    I've found that changing the way I communicate helps to encourage BIKSS to be more dominant, or more "consistent" in his dominance.

    I'll often tell him what he did during the day (or play) that made me feel very cared for, very submissive.

    But as is the case with many of us, i suspect, I'll sometimes find myself telling him I don't feel submissive enough - and he reminds me that it's not only for him to command and for me to obey that is a sign of "good" submission, but the fact that I serve and pamper him and ask him how his meeting went without his demanding it is also an act of submitting to his needs.

    I hope this helps some. And I'm mighty glad to have come across your blog!

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    1. Welcome! Very good feedback! I appreciate the reminder that both partners need encouragement and affirmation.

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