It's more than a preference, it's a craving.

I need to make an infographic of Red Flags that your partner is craving your domination. They make them for all sorts of horrible diseases, real and imagined....  why not this? Because I now can feel it coming and it comes more often now. Being connected is so so sweet that as soon as we start to drift into busyness, I start feeling the jitters. Once those jitters hit, I know I'm going to snap at someone over nothing within 24 hours. Oh I can try, but it's awfully hard to fight off those jitters. My kids pick up on it and their behavior gets whiny. In the back of my head, I realize I'm just waiting for my husband to tell me he's had it.

When I stay in a jittery spell but have to be patient until there's time to responsibly have our fun, I am reminded of how good this thing is for us. When we get wildly busy and my husband is up late working, he'll always tells me to let him know if I need him. I'm usually exhausted and fall asleep quickly.  Too many nights I let the temptation of enjoying a quiet house suck me into reading far after bedtime.

Quite recently, I realized this reading books, blogs, and comments during times of low communication is slippery slope. When I'm reading a sexy novel, I'm exposed to some dominant sex scenes with couple who do not exist in real life. They don't have to worry about cleaning up the bathroom after toddler bath time, that time of the month, or children's meltdowns at bedtime. Book characters don't have toddlers yelling at them about socks in the morning. They're leisurely enjoying coffee and morning blowjobs. I didn't realize until very, very recently how those books can build expectations in my mind! It's easy enough to tell my husband "this book is hot!" or "this scene looks fun!" but I fall asleep and then the day starts all over again.  My husband may not even know y'all are picking up ginger for more than cooking and I'm wondering if it would be horrible or fun! So there's my warning on reading... talk to my husband about what I'm reading!

So there's that going on and I haven't broken any big rules and we're in survival mode, so why would I want to interrupt peace and quiet? Even though I know darn good and well I need him. Of course he won't be annoyed if I go to him. When we're in our groove and I feel and see him comfortable in leading, I don't feel weird about going to him.

But when we've gone through that valley where he shoots me a look when I snap but forgets by the time we can deal with it or I'm mindlessly texting and driving and don't even think to tell him, and it feels like months since I've even though to be mindful of vitamins and bedtime, well I quickly talk myself out of going to him. That's when I know the power exchange is just as important to us as the erotic appeal of spanking. There's always some fun spanking in our dynamic and we both like that! But I badly need the power exchange in our lives.

He's waiting for me to tell him I need him while my subconscious is waiting for him to claim me.  Yes, I consented to this, I want to submit so why should he have to make me?  There's some unsettled part of me that wants a bit of neanderthal to pull me close so I can feel that he's got me both then and days after.  That in all the unpredictable things we can't control that seem to go nuclear on us without warning, this thing with us is solid. I need that re-entry into the dynamic,  just because he can where it's just all enough and he needs me as much as I'm craving him.  When it's been awhile since he's given me the raised eyebrows or texted to ask if I've drank water, tells me to come sit just because he wants me by him, or asks out of the blue if I'm being good today... it's a slow trickle of missed power exchange opportunities and I guess my account goes negative and needs something big to get us back where we should be. When he speaks to me there's a shift from speaking to me like he's expecting immediate compliance to calling for me to see if I'm busy an will come. I like hearing him expect my obedience. Even if I groan while getting up from the floor because I'm approaching middle age! There's a powerful catharsis that comes with being dominated, in the big an small ways. All day long, my energy and attention are pulled to so many other things. I don't get to let go. When my brain doesn't get to let go, it's just too easy to fall back into old habits. Whether it's the small ways throughout the day or settling in for a longer spanking, where he's settled in to give me the dominance I need to work out whatever is cluttering my head. Where spending that time in complying in a vulnerable position while he's fully in dominant gets us moving to where we both know we belong.

As fierce as I feel I have to be everywhere else, knowing he's strong enough to take me on and let me go blissfully mindless... helps me keep up the fierce everywhere else. (Sometimes I need to fiercely protect him and love him when he's hurt, caring for a partner isn't solely his responsibility.)

We both can respect each other without this dynamic, I could figure out how to settle myself without him... I suppose?! But I picked him and I need him. Claiming me makes me continually crave him, no matter how hard life gets.