How's DD going?
We either have time or we don't. We're either too exhausted or we aren't. But it's never super far away. I was at home with a sick kid who was throwing up on me. I managed to not impulsively shop online and text Dominic when I saw a need for things. But when we go awhile without having time and throw in schedule dysfunction, it's really hard to get back into our roles. We functioned through illness and the world didn't end. Because of course I can do all the things and my husband carries his load as well. But when the dynamic feels like the its gathering dust on the back burner?
It happens sometimes. We usually have some kind of re-connection/clearing the slate/reset/whatever you want to call it. There are discussions but it comes back together. This time a perfect storm of extreme, hopefully once in a lifetime scary situation, some really good news, illnesses, and snow days had destroyed all mature functioning in my brain. I had zero ability to regulate my emotions. Punishment was absolutely earned and Dominic was ready to enforce our rules.
And I could not submit. I just couldn't do it. I kept arguing even as I bent over our bed. My pajama pants were down, I was in a "submissive position." I was anything but that. I just got angrier and angrier. So I stood up and announced I was not doing this and I was going to bed.
An incredibly frustrating night for Dominic. He tried to enforce rules and handle issues very quickly after they occurred. I could have communicated how badly I needed a good nights sleep. But I didn't. I stayed defiant and kept running my mouth. Usually I can feel my uneasiness build when life is moving too fast and we aren't connecting. This one hit me out of the blue because the fast pace had gotten sort of normal. We were functioning okay day to day and keeping up with the chaos. I was telling him what I needed him to help with, not asking, not discussing the day to day and deferring to his ideas. Not accepting his offers to help with pickups or errands. If it wasn't going to kill me to do something, I did it. I don't know if I was harboring some subconscious expectations that he would magically fix our schedule or just start telling me no? Maybe we'd been so far out of our roles I was spiraling without intentionally trying to get his attention? It's a good reminder that this dynamic can't function on auto pilot. Even when we get into a good grove, we can easily fall out of it. Physical attention is how I get back into my role. Dominic knows this.
But my attitude was so ridiculous that I stood in the way of that. I'd been in a Type A mode and couldn't comprehend something not being on my terms. I obviously needed sleep along with a serious spanking and sex.
I forget submission takes some humility. Submission is so much more than my husband calling the shots in our sex life or my asking before swiping the debit card or making plans. Those are things I gravitate towards and mostly aren't a struggle. (Mostly. Authorized spending and asking before making plans have needed a lot of reminders.) I'm going to keep chewing on this word humility even though I really like being right.
And this is the post my husband will probably print and frame as a reminder of why we do this thing.