I don't burst into tears from the impact of a spanking. Dominic can wear me out with his belt, the cane, paddle... or all of the above and I don't just burst into tears.
But hurt feelings? Eventually I can cry. I don't cry over much, but thinking Dominic is mad at me or rejecting me... so many tears. (The man has never rejected me, hormones do evil things to my emotions.)
Spanking can turn me into a puddle of tears if I'm spanked often enough... because spanking does a number on my heart.
This past week, I've been spanked like it's going out of style. I'm grateful Dominic is comfortable giving me what I need. In keeping up with all of life, I've needed reminded to not throw acidic words at him or use a nasty tone of voice over things that are neither of our faults.
Our dynamic is working just as it should. Multiple spankings in a few days doesn't mean the dynamic isn't working - it's just been a whole lotta life thrown at us. While my butt is definitely tender, my feelings are even more fragile. Before the sting of one spanking wore off and I'd come down from that sleepy high, I found myself feeling his corrections again. I'm feeling our roles in a very intense, raw way. We had a misunderstanding during our kids' manic bedtime. It was 100% a misunderstanding that we could have worked through in less than a minute. I didn't realize how vulnerable and sensitive I was becoming - the feelings were right at the surface but I hadn't yet realized that's what was going on.
But Dominic gave me an angry look and I burst into tears. He was sitting in the same spot on our bed he always sits in before he spanks. I thought he had decided to spank without hearing me. He looked SO ANGRY. And yes, he was angry... but he sat in that spot because it was the first place to sit when he walked into our room. This optics were bad and I was devastated that just when I was feeling so connected, heard, and understood, he would just decide to spank in such a heated moment. I fell apart and couldn't stop crying. We both had a horrible night of sleep, neither one really understanding how everything came apart so fast.
Yes, spanking is a very physical thing. The impact is real - we all know that and joke about our struggles to sit. Pain is exhausting, after so many (much needed) spankings, I need rest.
I've tried to think of what would have kept the meltdown from happening. We hadn't had aftercare or sleep after my last spanking. I was tired of it hanging over my head and asked if he could just do it. So we did ... and then went on with the evening. I think I needed time with him when it's more than reminder, "get your attitude in check" swats. Maintenance just for maintenance, without addressing infractions helps too. All things that are easier to remember when I'm typing in the middle of the day versus when we're exhausted at home...
The emotional impact is bigger, it stays with us and transforms long after a red ass fades. It's been a long while since I've been disciplined this much in a short window of time. I'm not going to react and process the exact same way I would have another time. My puddle of emotions surprised Dominic and his surprise caught me off guard too. This painful mess is a good reminder that our dynamic doesn't work in auto-pilot. We have to keep talking and checking in. I think I was embarrassed at how sensitive I was starting to feel. When he's really strict and enforces our rules, I want to stay in submissive mode more often. It's hard to do that when much of life calls me to be Mama Bear. Now we know we need to work on making that transition smoother. Isn't that what we spend all of life doing? Softening the blow of transitions?