Sunday, December 10, 2017

The No-Pardon Zone

I can't always finish posts in a decent amount of time. We've also been at this a lot longer than I've blogged. This was written at some point in 2017... and posting now! 

It's a head spinning realization when you realize your husband has settled in just fine to that Head of Household role that you'd hoped for but couldn't truly understand back when ttwd was new. In the beginning, a spanking might be milder or not given at all based on any number of things. Perhaps he understood why I had gotten so angry and knew he hadn't been without fault, so a punishment wouldn't be given.

Then one day you wake up and find argumentative words keep flying out of your mouth. Despite his glare, I kept up on going. My mouth finally closed when my brain's danger signs finally caught up to my mouth.

Damage done. Did Dominic understand why I was mad? Yes. Was he frustrated about the situation like I was? Yes. 

But the violations were there. I'd yelled, been disrespectful, ignored his warnings and attempts to de-escalate my anger. And the final nail in my coffin: I'd put on this performance in front of our kids.

Our day went on and I was good as gold. A small part of me briefly entertained maybe it wouldn't be that bad, since the day was fine except for the morning's blip. 

But it was "that bad."

Because my HOH had listened when I told him letting me off the hook was confusing, that a spanking that wasn't a struggle to submit to made me feel unsettled. He'd watched how I behaved after punishments. So I got a punishment I didn't like one single bit. There was no mistaking it for maintenance, stress-relief, or foreplay. I didn't feel sexy at all. 

With time and practice, Dominic learned an effective spanking isn't measured solely by redness, but by my post-spanking attitude. To get me curled up in his lap after, my brain no longer spinning or obsessing about what went wrong requires a pretty intense experience. So the man who was once hesitant to move beyond playful spanking, ordered me to the couch furthest from the kids bedrooms.

I hate the pain of the paddle. I really hate it. There's no element of erotic spanking. The big wooden paddle is just pain. Positioning myself to receive that pain does something good to my brain though. I know I will hurt. I know it's not going to end until he's ready. I know there's not a chance I can shut out the emotional and physical feeling, no numb brave front is possible. I just feel.

I am very intentional about not acting on my feelings professionally. That is hard to turn off when I get home.

No fussing or cajoling will change what he's decided to do. But I feel overwhelmed by a feeling of being his. No one is going to give me a stressful work assignment, the kids won't have a crisis or spill an entire Tupperware bowl of soup on the floor. The only thing going I'm aware of in the entire world is that I belong with my husband. Something went awry and he is making everything right again. Of course once the spanking begins, my introspective thoughts go AWOL.  The paddle is all I'm aware of. When he pauses between sets, I might be aware of him holding my hand, his knee holding me up, or how cold the rest of my body is versus my flaming backside. But those are fleeting thoughts. The paddle starts back up again. He asks me questions I can't quite comprehend, he reaffirms his expectations for my behavior. I'm too muddled to think through these things, so I keep replying "Yes Sir."

A particularly hard spot lands and I jump a bit. He pats my head and tells me we've got more to go. Eventually it ends. I'm somehow supposed to stand up and walk upstairs!? But I do, I'm not thinking at all anymore. While I'm aware of the screaming muscles in my thighs and butt, I'm mainly aware that I've been told to walk so I'm walking. 

Post-spanking sleep is some of the best sleep I get. I may wake up when I accidentally roll from my stomach, but the sleep is deep. When I wake up the next morning and cringe at the soreness, I remember mornings I woke up not feeling a thing and still unsettled. I don't have that after his punishments now. I can't have him close enough to me. If life allowed, I'd curl up in his lap all day. I don't want to be paddled ever again, but remembering my trip across his lap makes me smile. When that wretched paddle is involved, the next day's ache is non-stop. And that man gloats and grins at my every wince or gasp at sitting. Even laying on my stomach, I'm aware of the ache. 

But I am on point, no sass from me. I start to question him later that evening and stop before the words are out of my mouth. Hell. No. I am not going anywhere a spanking.

In the early days of ttwd, I was in awe of the spankings I'd read about in blogland or ebooks. Spankings that seemed so emotionally impactful, your spankers seemed matter of fact and confident in doling out a no-nonsense whopper. We've now paid the toll of trial and error to learn what all makes a punishment effective for us. While you can know something's worked for others, the exact cocktail of factors that make a spanking effective is unique to every couple. 

My husband confidently paddles because he knows first hand the value of discipline in our marriage. Dominic spanking because he knows I need it AND needs it because we are both better when in our roles is a blissful* feeling.

(*Dominic actually spanking me is not blissful. It. Hurts. A. Lot.) 

We had many conversations as we explored this dynamic where I tried to explain how I felt when an infraction may have been a grey area and I wasn't made to answer for myself. With time, he saw it for himself: making rules he didn't enforce left me feeling neglected and crazy. Letting things slide was not him being a nice guy. I crave structure and knowing I don't have to bear the mental load of parenthood and life by myself. And here we are, The Boss fully confident in zero tolerance as the rule is the warning. No room for a 3 strike policy in ttwd; this is not baseball.

Upside to the awful pain of my husband being strict and bossy? I cannot get enough of him! 🔥

I wish my new to ttwd self would have enjoyed those early days while they lasted. Because we'd soon enough hit a season where I might not sit comfortably for a week straight! We gained insight from others blogs, but this thing only works for you when you figure out what your relationship needs. And like all good things, time and effort is the only way to figure that out.  I pushed Dominic for "more" when we started this, but couldn't articulate what that meant for quite some time.

We've gotten there now, for better or worse. 😬


  1. Madeline,
    Your post took my breath away in its truth. Make sure you are communicating........ we seldom use implements, but I am spanked hard and long with lots of answering. WE have found our way in the opposite direction and it suits us. Jack threatens with talk of the paddle, but uses his hand. It works for us. I am glad you have returned. Take care,

    1. Hello! We can't be reminded often enough to communicate, can we? It makes all the difference as we find our way. For now, this works but in another season, or another year, it could look very different.

  2. Spankings here are certainly NOT blissful either! LOL. Barney's 'favourite' is a cane (mostly because it is quiet, but he also 'jokes' that it is the implement that delivers the most impact with the least amount of work on his part).

    I know you wrote this a long time ago, but THIS part stood out to me as something so many women have said and felt: " making rules he didn't enforce left me feeling neglected and crazy. Letting things slide was not him being a nice guy" I think it is very difficult for many HOHs to grasp the latter part of that statement, especially when life is challenging. Years ago a friend told Barney, " When in doubt, spank." He also went on to tell him that " you think you are doing her a favour by letting things go-trust me you are not". Of course these things are often easier said than done.

    Glad to hear your hubby understands the value of not letting you off the hook!


    1. I've seen that trend too! Submissives don't seem to complain when the HOH doesn't let things go. I love that motto "When in doubt, spank!" :)

  3. Oh and yes the post spanking 'nap' is the greatest nap EVER!!!!!

  4. Hi Madeline, this is a great post, you explain the need to be held accountable and the feelings and emotions, especially post spanking so well.


  5. This is quite the post, Madeline. It could be a primer for those aspiring to have a ttwd relationship. Yep, we all make the journey a little differently, but it is so worth the effort.

    Sam had Mr. Paddle out yesterday for a dose of "let me improve your mood," and my head is back on straight for sure. I will never understand how that works so well. But I am grateful.

    Hugs From Ella

    1. I don't begin to understand how it all works either, but it does! Thanks for your kind comment, I wish I had more time to write here.

  6. Hi Madeline, :) I found your post to be very well thought out, and well written. "Be careful what you wish for," comes to mind here. I agree with you- each couple, over time, experience, and very open communication, arrives at what works out just right for them.

    For us, ttwd incorporates a great deal of fun. From time to time, when it is needed, a more serious spanking ensues, and while it may not necessarily last all that long, it leaves within its wake, a husband and wife, who are moving forward, in sync with one another, versus moving apart. I'm glad that I brought it to the table- though not always in a spanking moment! It has changed our lives, and strengthened our love beyond anything that I could have imagined. Bring it on! Though the fun stuff is always ways more... fun! As Ella said above, "I am grateful"! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

    1. Very grateful! I am sure what works for us will continue to evolve, I never imagined it would look like this when we started. You're right that it is life changing, far beyond the moments of spanking.

  7. Loved this post. I loved how honest it is. And yes, if we only could talk to our early day selves in this lifestyle. :)

    I too find that I am sad if I don't feel the spanking the next day. To get to that point, I find the pain unbearable in the moment, and still cannot figure out why if I wish with all my heart that it was just over, that I'm sad if I know it ended too soon. I may never fully understand that about myself. But maybe someday. :)

    Thank you for writing this. I am just looking over some of your posts, I think for the first time, and am enjoying them. Thank you.

    1. Hello! Thanks for stopping by, I can absolutely relate to how you feel about the severity and needing to feel something. It's just how it works for some of us.