What exactly does "more" mean?

Being an HOH is a lot of work, not that I know from experience.  When Dominic and I are discussing what works and what doesn't, I am reminded of the vast number of things he has to consider in his role.

Not only does he have to decide if stress relief is needed, an actual punishment, a fun spanking, but then there's figuring out exactly what that best looks like.

How much spanking is enough? Do I need to feel it for a few days or just have an unpleasant moment while being spanked? How many specific swats will do the job, how long do I need to be bent over in a vulnerable, submissive position to get into the right head space, should I sleep after or do I need him to continue establishing dominance with sex? Should additional punishments be added to enhance the spanking? Is my dark red butt a sign I've had enough or is it fading already and I'm just really pale?

Our talks let me know how unhelpful I was at the beginning when I said I needed, "more" without further feedback. More of what exactly?! The answer is more him. I'm not placing an order at Chick-fil-a where I can specify that I need a precise number of extra sauce packets.

I need the stern dom who attentively cares for me in our bedroom to be stern and attentive in our vanilla life. As we're pulled into hundreds of directions throughout our days, to pull me back to meeting his needs and focusing my attention on our family. Those are my priorities, our shared priorities. I want my focus there. It's easy to be distracted by shiny objects and think whatever fun thing comes up is worth my time. But the day-to-day work of raising a family with him must come first. I wouldn't have suggested this lifestyle or agreed to specific rules if I didn't think they were important. So I need him to hold me accountable and enforce them. Even if it seems ridiculous to spank for something, or feels frustrating that he spanked for something big two days ago, and now he's giving a different kind of spanking for something small, or do we really need to do maintenance after a big punishment earlier in the week? Every time he reminds me of our dynamic and shows me he's got my back (by wearing out my ass) I feel myself drawn to him, wanting to submit in ways that please him.

When a spanking has felt unsettling, maybe it really hurt but I didn't come away feeling chastened and submissive, there's not been much of a lecture and the implements were mainly surface pain. The surface pain implements hurt terribly, but for me, they don't translate to deep soreness. Waking up sore is very humbling and keeps me feeling a bit of the intense submission I feel in our bedroom that I can't exactly feel once we're apart. But when we head out for the day and I can still feel him, I stay in that lovely submissive headspace.

Dominic doesn't feel entitled to my submission. And that's why I want to give that to him, even when I'm not doing a very good job of it!  Our family functions better when he and I are connected and I'm at peace with him leading. When we are in survival mode, mainly when busyness gets the best of us, everyone loses their minds.

Recently, Dominic said "you're not allowed to do that" in front of several people. He was half-joking, but definitely meant it. A well meaning friend offered us unsolicited medical advice for our child and it was absolutely ridiculous advice. Although I never, ever would have acted on her advice, just hearing him say those words in a stern tone made me smile. Although we were in a crowded place, that tone reminded of having him all to myself. At the end of the day, even though we have children in our home who are a big priority, jobs to keep a roof over our heads, and other things to fill our day with, this life we have together started with us. Just us.

More might look different on any given day, it may mean I really do want more thud to the spankings or more time just talking to him, but at it's core,  a vague more is a plea to dive into this dynamic, our connection with passion.

What are you asking for when you're feeling that vague feeling of needing "more?"

Well that didn't turn out so well...

The fast paced, sweltering family week came to an end and it all caught up with us. The children hit a few days of fun/sugar/excitement hangover. It all caught up with me too and I ended up shouting in Dominic's face. Excellent move. We were so freaking tired that night, he told me to go to bed. We both crashed and planned to deal with it the next night. One child headed off for a sleepover and the house was quiet.

It was an extremely hard spanking, as expected. There was no floating away to subspace. It just sucked with additional humbling enhancements.

We re-connected and as I started to lay my head on my pillow, I noticed my phone screen flashing. The child needed picked up. Since I was specifically being cried for, I headed out. By the next evening, we'd learned a few important lessons.

1. Do not skip aftercare.
2. Do not drive freshly spanked. That was the most miserable drive of my life. Being miserable after a spanking is really frustrating when you're by yourself and the HOH isn't holding you.
3. Do not sleep in the same bed with a wiggly small child when nearly every inch of your body is sore and exhausted.
4. Not sleeping after a hard spanking and adventurous sex will result in the worst subdrop of your life.
5. Exhausted and emotional with a full day ahead is a great way to work yourself into another pickle.

Life just happens sometimes, but we have a very real understanding of the need to be well-rested and follow up with rest when any kind of power exchange happens. So even though just 48 hours ago I took a pretty hard spanking, we're heading back to the basement tonight to clear my head and get back into the groove we know works well.

Ouch.

Default State.

The stars have aligned and I have found myself with nothing to do after putting the children to bed. Bedtime wasn't a crisis, the laundry and kitchen are under control... it's the strangest situation to be in!

We're taking a deep breath after a full week with extended family.  It's suffocatingly hot and the kids kept our days very busy. Even if we weren't running around, just keeping up with small children is a busy enough day! In prior years, family events could be very stressful and I'd find myself in trouble regularly.  Either my smart mouth got the best of me or I committed to plans without discussing with Dominic. This week had a few check-in spankings but not any punishments. An absolute record!

It's extremely difficult to do family or group activities with couples in completely different dynamics. The roles we take leave the privacy of our home with us. At this juncture, I've learned choosing to submit is easier. Not easier because I won't get spanked. Easier because we function better. Instead of demanding he accompany the kids out on the water, I asked him to please do it and acknowledged I'd owe him. I didn't disappear into Target and surprise him with the expense. We talked before the week started about anticipated expenses and activities.  It's so much easier to do that rather than try to discuss finances quietly in a crowded house while the grill is hot and kids are running in sprinklers! (Trust me, I know this exact situation!)

This spring, I had made plans for our oldest that I really thought would work. When Dominic and I went over the plans for this week he vetoed a pretty big thing I had penciled in. It was not a lengthy conversation. He said "That's not happening. That's going to be a disaster." And we moved onto the next topic.

As the schedule played out, it was patently obvious he was right. Our child didn't even notice the missing activity. Our schedule was too full!

Lesson re-learned: Default to submission. Especially on the most un-sexy of things like how many activities a child can do in one summer and how much money you've spent on a birthday party. Those things can cause such unnecessary stress in an already busy, tiring season of life. This was a brief conversation then he jumped into the pool with our kids. Please note, he doesn't enjoy swimming but they do and they adore him.  Why would I have ruined that afternoon needing to be right?

Even if you don't do this thing and accidentally stumbled onto my blog, I hope you can takeaway that you really need to give your partner some credit. I know my husband isn't an idiot and he certainly doesn't think I'm dumb either. (If you think they're dumb, then for the love of God, what are you doing with this person?!)

We had enough on our plate keeping family from continually giving our children sugar, multiple nights of loud fireworks ruining sleep, navigating activities in the heat. I felt like we were both tuned into each other and our kids this past week. It felt really good to end the week knowing that we were solid as opposed to how this has gone during other family weeks.

Lest you think I'm on some kind of high horse, I absolutely had help being in this state of defaulting to submission. While I didn't get in trouble for any blatant violations, my tone and resting bitch face let him know when I needed to be ass up. Dominic grabbed time for check-ins and stress relief to keep us on this even keel. The quiet implements are awful but they have the desired effect. Thanks, Cane-iac!