Sunday, July 15, 2018

What exactly does "more" mean?

Being an HOH is a lot of work, not that I know from experience.  When Dominic and I are discussing what works and what doesn't, I am reminded of the vast number of things he has to consider in his role.

Not only does he have to decide if stress relief is needed, an actual punishment, a fun spanking, but then there's figuring out exactly what that best looks like.

How much spanking is enough? Do I need to feel it for a few days or just have an unpleasant moment while being spanked? How many specific swats will do the job, how long do I need to be bent over in a vulnerable, submissive position to get into the right head space, should I sleep after or do I need him to continue establishing dominance with sex? Should additional punishments be added to enhance the spanking? Is my dark red butt a sign I've had enough or is it fading already and I'm just really pale?

Our talks let me know how unhelpful I was at the beginning when I said I needed, "more" without further feedback. More of what exactly?! The answer is more him. I'm not placing an order at Chick-fil-a where I can specify that I need a precise number of extra sauce packets.

I need the stern dom who attentively cares for me in our bedroom to be stern and attentive in our vanilla life. As we're pulled into hundreds of directions throughout our days, to pull me back to meeting his needs and focusing my attention on our family. Those are my priorities, our shared priorities. I want my focus there. It's easy to be distracted by shiny objects and think whatever fun thing comes up is worth my time. But the day-to-day work of raising a family with him must come first. I wouldn't have suggested this lifestyle or agreed to specific rules if I didn't think they were important. So I need him to hold me accountable and enforce them. Even if it seems ridiculous to spank for something, or feels frustrating that he spanked for something big two days ago, and now he's giving a different kind of spanking for something small, or do we really need to do maintenance after a big punishment earlier in the week? Every time he reminds me of our dynamic and shows me he's got my back (by wearing out my ass) I feel myself drawn to him, wanting to submit in ways that please him.

When a spanking has felt unsettling, maybe it really hurt but I didn't come away feeling chastened and submissive, there's not been much of a lecture and the implements were mainly surface pain. The surface pain implements hurt terribly, but for me, they don't translate to deep soreness. Waking up sore is very humbling and keeps me feeling a bit of the intense submission I feel in our bedroom that I can't exactly feel once we're apart. But when we head out for the day and I can still feel him, I stay in that lovely submissive headspace.

Dominic doesn't feel entitled to my submission. And that's why I want to give that to him, even when I'm not doing a very good job of it!  Our family functions better when he and I are connected and I'm at peace with him leading. When we are in survival mode, mainly when busyness gets the best of us, everyone loses their minds.

Recently, Dominic said "you're not allowed to do that" in front of several people. He was half-joking, but definitely meant it. A well meaning friend offered us unsolicited medical advice for our child and it was absolutely ridiculous advice. Although I never, ever would have acted on her advice, just hearing him say those words in a stern tone made me smile. Although we were in a crowded place, that tone reminded of having him all to myself. At the end of the day, even though we have children in our home who are a big priority, jobs to keep a roof over our heads, and other things to fill our day with, this life we have together started with us. Just us.

More might look different on any given day, it may mean I really do want more thud to the spankings or more time just talking to him, but at it's core,  a vague more is a plea to dive into this dynamic, our connection with passion.

What are you asking for when you're feeling that vague feeling of needing "more?"


  1. Hi Madeline,

    This is a great post and great question! Funny how we sometimes know we want more, but don't know exactly what the more entails. Communication as always is the key, our guys aren't mind readers yet we often expect or want them to know just what we need.


    1. Writing has helped me figure out what "more" really means. Thanks for reading!

  2. Wow that was so well written and thought out. I used to always just want MORE too until I realised they're not mind readers. Communicating really helps, and the more we do it, the less awkward it becomes. I think it's just the initial period that gets most people - how do I say I want to be spanked harder ,longer, but not just as a mechanical exercise, i want more dominance too. A lot of us can relate.

    1. Probably best that none of us are mind readers! :)

  3. I really needed a dose of real ttwd wisdom today, Madeline, and here you are! "More him" is the answer so many times. When Sam used to be more unsure of his role, I once asked him, "Have I ever said that you went too far?" He had to admit that the answer was no.

    I think I will share this post with him. Great work on this one.

    Hugs From Ella

    1. Thank you for your kind comment. I've asked Dominic that same question!

  4. Such a thought provoking post...I love your definition of more. ‘More him’ is exactly it. More him is what keeps us smooth, focused, and happy. You’ve found a simple but loaded answer to a question we’ve all thought about at some point. Thank you for sharing this.

  5. I love how you put this. When I need more... I say the same things, but I need more HIM. Love that.