Sunday, November 19, 2017

Oh, is it nearly December?!

Well this absence is embarrassing. Am I even qualified to post in this universe?

From realizing I’m still up at 2 AM cleaning, starting the morning snapping at my husband, unplanned trips to the store and impulsive, scattered purchases without any discussion let alone permission, things are all out of whack in our house. I remember sometimes “I probably would be in trouble for this, but we are so tired.” It’s not outright defiance as much as survival mode. 

We’ve weathered the school year transition with our children in healthy places. I had a major surgery that I've just now felt like I've recovered from. Naturally, we've slid into not connecting. Healthy, connected relationships don’t just happen. The good stuff takes a lot of time and effort, sometimes we don’t have any margin left for it. It's understandable, as much as we know DD is worth it... it's just not advisable while recovering from surgery and taking pain meds every 4 hours!

I've settled into my grumpy bossy pants. We’ve been processing our stress internally, knowing the other is tired and annoyed with it all too. Spanking would absolutely have not been safe so it’s not a complaint that either of us have been slacking.

But I’ve recovered though and the reckoning is coming. Coming just in time for the holidays where DD is so very, very required!

I've just assumed Dominic knows how flustered and out of control I've felt, how overwhelmed I am just grocery shopping or anxiety over our children’s Thanksgiving outfits. (Absolutely absurd. Did your mothers have you in special outfits for Thanksgiving? Mine never did!) 

All the slip ups aside, our biggest challenge will be getting back into checking in- me going to him and telling him I need am off kilter. Us taking the effort to use a few minutes to reconnect even if it's only a few minutes. It's tempting if we do have an hour to catch up on shows, go to dinner, or do laundry... not focus on our roles.

During the day I'll think how I really miss an intense, round the clock dynamic and the accountability. By night time, I'm not sure what day it is or if I have the energy to brush my teeth though. I do know I've pushed Dominic to the end of his patience with my smart mouth so the reckoning is coming... at least I don't have to sit through Thanksgiving Dinner. The up and down of keeping children fed and happy at family gatherings means I won't sit more than a few minutes anyway! 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Hot Exciting Nights!

The small people in our home are finally asleep.  One child in particular has decided sleep is something they've done plenty of in life and see no reason to mess with it each night.  It's quite darling.

We stumble into our room and had the most exciting, connecting conversation as we prepared for bed.

Husband: I thought about stopping at Redbox on my way home tonight.
Me: Why? Were you wanting to make a donation?
Husband: Yeah, I didn't stop. I laughed. 

I flop onto my side of the bed. 

Me: Are you reading or do you want me to turn off the light?

Husband: mumbles incoherently... already asleep.

Tis the Season, we aren't unique. Friends liking different articles called "Dear Husband, I miss you" remind me of our isolated solidarity in my social media feed.  There are so many of them! This one is good... and this one! Everyone is worn and tattered from parenthood!)

Another ttwd blogger shared the same weariness here... It's just life right now. But the small people we've been entrusted to raise are thriving, growing, learning so our weird, half-finished conversations aren't totally in vain.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Summer, you're dismissed.

September, I love what you bring but this year is especially wonderful... Outlander is here! A friend spied this magazine in a waiting room. She didn't know those "time travel books had a sexy love story." Oh what a tale she is missing!

September also brought a rare couple outing! Dominic and I had the glorious treat of a trip to the home improvement store and grocery store! (Pinterest that hot date night idea!) Aren't these trips easier when your dynamic changes?

My back is doing just fine since I haven't bent over a thing since that mishap. I am missing that connection fiercely. Our back to school transition has had some major hiccups and adjustments. While not appropriate to dive into here, I will say that I have the utmost respect for those in the teaching profession. It is hard work and I know even harder with all the changes in the world, funding, curriculum, national mandates, testing, etc, etc. We've luckily had phenomenal teachers who truly felt called to the classroom to mold young minds. Unfortunately we've run into one who fits those rude viral posts disparaging teachers. The past few weeks have been non-stop figuring out how to improve the situation and then research our options and make a big change after barely a month of school.

Those big decisions impacting children have made for some testy times. I'd use those Hurricane Madeline analogies, but with so many suffering from Harvey, Irma, Jose, and Katia, that seems quite insensitive. What a horrible storm season!

This kid around needed a considerable amount of attention from us after school, her sleep was disrupted, and we're off to work during the day. Having big discussions in passing makes for a stressful environment. We feel good about where this situation ended up, made some big adjustments for us in our budget that we ended up with time to discuss eventually. But we're blessed to have schooling options where we live and have room to tighten our budget at all.

Obviously for our child's sake, I'm praying this all works out. For other reasons, we need some calm here, some time at night for Dominic and I to at least finish a sentence or two, maybe even watch TV together? Dreaming big, perhaps we'll have time to figure out the positions you've all suggested!

This dynamic requires some margin to do well. Very little time together makes it easy to feel like adversaries when you have different views and solutions. Things we can discuss and together find a good answer for seem like huge problems without that time.

Summer, I'm officially kicking you out. Along with the fantastic line up of new seasons you'll bring, (Poldark comes back next month!), I need a bit cooler weather, pumpkin patch field trips, fall festivals, and happy settled and secure children. All these things will be much more enjoyable if I'm regularly well-spanked.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

More than a pain in the butt.

My backside isn't the only thing suffering when I'm in hot water. Lately I've felt my back slightly protest when I'm over Dominic's lap, flat on the bed, or leaning over. We'd eliminated anything flat on the bed and leaning over the bed seemed to not be as bad. By bedtime last night, my back had been bothering me more frequently. I'd tried to be more active, stretch, etc. I didn't realize my frequent leaning over was causing the pain until I started to lean over the bed and froze. My mid-back had pulled and didn't want to let go. It was better when I stood up, so we adjusted some pillows and bedding and let the spanking begin. 

My back was happily supported, until it wasn't at all. I mentioned to Dominic that the pillows were sinking and my back wasn't being held up. He said just a little more, almost done, and kept going.  I said this very calmly and didn't attempt to move from position. I'm not exactly comfortable during a spanking, but this felt different. I wasn't happy he was going to keep going, but thought "well maybe it'll be okay, maybe this seems worse because my back and butt hurt now." But a particularly wicked swat made me jump forward just enough that the damage was done. My back knifed me. I burst into screaming tears. Dominic tried to calm me but my back was in so much pain I couldn't process anything he said. I didn't want to stand or move but curling up hurt too. I've never reacted to a spanking like that so he knew this wasn't me boo hooing over a sore butt. He really hadn't got much spanking in at all before this meltdown. He got me settled in after some helpful stretching and a heating pad. 

So that's your free Public Service Announcement. Don't keep bending over if your back is a little annoyed by it. Eventually, it'll be very angry about it!

What's the magic position in your house that keeps angry joints and muscles from rioting? Our bed is probably a bit too low to be leaning over, the back of the couch may be up next.  

Friday, August 25, 2017

All the fuss about Inconsistency.

Happy Friday! 

I've finally found a moment to myself after this breakneck week. Parenting kids through transition is not for the faint of heart. We've not gotten it right 100% of the time, but everyone is surviving and it's finally the weekend! 

A bit of a whine, was anyone else a little over the eclipse hype? It was very neat to watch and the math behind calculating the path/time/totality/etc blows my mind. But the hype... I'm too tired for that! 

I sent Dominic this hilarious comedy clip "The Nothing Box." I remain amazed by his ability to decide to not think about anything at all! I'm not being mean, I'm impressed and wish I could access this magic Nothing Box! Our brief laugh over the video was the extent of our conversation one night. Our jobs have called for more energy, the children needed more of us, very little time left for a hello, let alone the good spanking I regularly require.

During early days of ttwd, I felt threatened and insecure by "inconsistency." Various blogs and "how to" sites warned against letting inconsistency doom your dynamic. While I glow and thrive in Dominic's leadership, it's an unrealistic standard to prioritize particularly in this season of life. Our frustrations when infractions could not be dealt with led to some breaks during our time in this dynamic. While our roles were not completely absent, good lengths of time might pass where my tongue ran unleashed, we bickered... settling back into more pre-ttwd ways. We'd snap out of it eventually and press on.  After our last unintentional break, we acknowledged very intentional communication was required to keep us from sliding into another drought. 

While this summer has been q u i t e consistent, other responsibilities came first this week.  We know if I'd been given a reminder when my tone slipped early in the week, my tone would have been much more respectful all week. In the early days of ttwd, I'd have been hurt and frustrated that he didn't address my infraction right away. While I've not been punished, we are both aware that the issue happened, that it's not okay, and the only reason I'm not paying for it this very minute is because of life

I cannot force us to prioritize a spanking over sleep. Yes, a good spanking and post-spanking activities will often give me wonderful sleep. We're running the marathon of life on fumes this week so discipline can wait until we've slept. Theres's only so much sleep to begin with when the last child finally falls asleep around 10 PM, you know another will be in your room by 1:30 AM, and alarms start blaring in the 5 AM window...) 

Dominic works well more than 40 hours a week and thankfully is very engaged with raising our kids, the endless tasks that come with home & car ownership, sharing the load of housework with me, and killing whatever wasp I'm convinced is attacking us all. (I believe it's known as "adulting" these days). 🤦 While everyone blessedly fell asleep early tonight, I have to respect that he needs to decompress so he can lead well. I don't know about you, but I would rather not go over the knee of a exhausted, frustrated spanker.

The spanking I've earned will come, I am 100% confident of that. We rarely go this long without some kind of spanking, but it is what it is. It's not a referendum on our commitment to this dynamic. Yes, I'd really rather have gotten spanked Sunday than await and anticipate. But that's what this dynamic looks like this week. Accepting these types of weeks and pressing on in spite of things not being exactly what we think it should be is the grace required for ttwd to be part of who we are, not a thing we try to do a certain way. 

Friday, August 18, 2017

Hurricane Deterrent, not recommended for oceans.

In our ttwd journey, I've received untold numbers of spankings, with many discussions about our dynamic and how I'm processing those spankings. We exchange feedback on effectiveness of implements, positioning, formality of punishment vs. reminders, how frequently do I need him to check-in, what kind of post-spanking TLC is best?

Identifying what type of attention I need is mostly not difficult. Fun spankings are fun! Fun, sexy spanking lacks the heightened drama of a punishment, as all is well. Reminders are what they are, maybe we're in a house full of people, or on vacation with the children and I'm slipping out of my role. Easy enough to put me on notice. Attitude adjustments are a bit of a reset, but I've not gone too far over the line.

I've provided ample opportunities for Dominic to read my body, evaluate how I respond to punishment. Plenty of tales from that front. As all good things take time, some things like stress relief, have remained a work in progress. Figuring out best practices for us in this dynamic is a good, good use of our time.

While spanking is a stress relief for me, I had not been spanked solely for the purpose of calming my brain to help me with stress. I usually run straight ahead to trouble! I've read posts where this has been very effective for some of you. I've also read too good to be true versions in Kindle romance stories! We've read what works for others. But we're all uniquely wired. To prevent Hurricane Madeline from making landfall, we both have to understand how & why my storms build.

When I might need a preventative spanking to address the ever burgeoning stress in life has been hard to identify.  I don't realize I've started to spiral emotionally until I'm already pulling away. I'm aware of how unhelpful this is... I've not been able, until recently, to clearly articulate to Dominic why him having and enforcing high expectations is so helpful for me. His leadership as HOH as grown as I've articulated the why. As my understanding of us and this dynamic has evolved, I've been able to give him more feedback as to why I benefit from his decision making and physically feeling that I am his. When new to this dynamic, my feedback was vague and muddled. Then I'd wonder why he was inconsistent or hesitant with me.

As we're at a point in ttwd I could have never imagined us getting to in those days, I know we are only here because we used our words. 

The past few weeks of life have been frustrating and exhausting. However, the subsequent meltdown provided a much needed catalyst to discuss how exactly he prevents severe storm damage. The weather channel says early warnings and ability to distinguish different types of storms are critical for hurricane preparedness, so we've done our homework!

While I recognize that my communicating more often and more clearly is critical, there are signs as clear as an increased ocean swell that I need some help. When the edge is creeping in my voice and I'm obviously biting back a snippy retort, stress relief is needed. If left unchecked, the chances are pretty high I'll dig myself in deeper.  Same for when I'm distant and answer his "How are you?" with the infamous "I'm fine." This response is likely accompanied by my avoiding eye contact, fascinated with the suds in the sink. When I've let my spinning brain win, I'll curl up in bed away from him and not budge when he curls up next to me. (How cringe inducing to type out! I know I do these things, but here's my brattiness in all its glory!)

Sometimes stress is best handled by a long bath, weeding the garden in silence, eating a treat I don't have to parcel and share with little hands, or sleeping an extra 20 minutes. Yet even if magic pixie dust gave everyone in our home 12 hours of sleep per night, I'd still need a good spanking just because that's the thing I need.

We knew we were long past a bubble bath calming me down. I needed him.

So we discussed, with me giving more input than I would before any other spanking.  I sank into a zen-like relief, mixed with fire from his belt, because he spanked just to show me he's here, that he recognized I felt crazy and everything will be okay. As I pull back when I need him the most, the vulnerability of being bent over the bed for him to methodically spank shredded any illusion I have that I can hide. The message was not that I was in trouble for pulling back, but with every new wave of fire, drilling in a message I could believe in my core: I don't need to hide from him.

This spanking wasn't an archaic mean husband trying to break his weak wife of an undesired behavior. This was him treasuring me so deeply that he went to this place I needed from him because I so badly needed relief from the emotional spiral weighing me down. While an impressively powerful spanking, it still can't change the circumstances of our stressors. It can bring me to a place of surrender where I connect to him at a deeper level. Spanking brings out my surrender to not only letting him in, but craving him. Strengthening our bond makes every single life circumstance easier to handle.

The habits I brought into our marriage have been developed over my lifetime.  My defense mechanisms of shooting my mouth off or pulling back have nothing to do with my husband. Those habits are hard wired, but his hand on my butt is harder! When he spanks, he's fighting for me and I am reminded of very important truths about us.
  1. He loves me, for better or worse, sane or off the wall crazy. 
  2. He expects and believes I'm capable of better.
  3. Most importantly, he is demanding I let him help me. He's doesn't expect me to cope or shake off bad emotional habits on my own. But he will not leave me in that fight alone.
We've gotten 3-4 hours a sleep every night this week. In the midst of this, he made time to give me an outlet to process my overwhelmed state. He spanked over the bed instead of the couch he uses when I'm in trouble. He clearly distinguished that no, I was not "in trouble." He was lighting this fire solely to help me settle in to face whatever came at us the next day and I had better speak up if it was not helping.  

It helped. 


The rest of the week was not any quieter, we didn't get more sleep, our days were full. But I felt settled in, mind quieted. He commented tonight that I'd handled an issue very calmly. I certainly wasn't signing off on that issue, it's really frustrating.  But I felt calmer and in control. I realized he wasn't the only one giving in this spanking. I felt better because he'd given me an opportunity to give myself to him and show him I trust him to take care of me when I am not at my best. 

I suppose this stress relief spanking is a bit like a chiropractor visit, I'm back in alignment with him. 

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Cyclone of Chaos F5

Homer's Iliad references the dog days of summer in association with astronomical events. The rising of this star was associated with war and disaster.

So, a month historically associated with crazy animals, the wobbling of earth, rising stars, and disasters is naturally a spank-filled month in our marriage.

We're in the thick of the never ending back to school to-dos: shopping lists, dental appointments, physicals. Friends and family hosting end of summer soirées. I feel this unspoken societal expectation that mothers of young children are responsible for the needs of everyone in their extended families. Dominic is incredibly helpful, I am not here to whine.  We're still figuring out which areas each of us should manage. The mental workload of managing the house and kids defaulted to me as I just dove into those things. It seemed like my role. I gladly wrangle it all, but it's not sustainable. Be it wicked hormones, hard moments with kids, extended family requests or busy times at work, it's easy for me to lose all sanity.  Dominic will always help, but he doesn't see all the small ways I let my own self-care slip until I'm an emotional wreck. I know we're in the thick of a hard and fun season. I know its a fleeting season and we'll mostly remember the highlights.

That said, it makes for tricky ttwd. This past weekend was a bit too much busy for us. We know too busy makes for crazy, so we usually aim for one weekend day for home. While we enjoyed end of summer cook-outs and final summer swimming excursions, I was didn't start the work week feeling recharged.

I hit the ground running at work, daycare drop-offs, dry cleaning pickups over the lunch hour instead of eating, rushing home to find a leaky refrigerator. By 7:00 PM, I was in tears. Dinner to bedtime requires A-game from both parents, so this didn't set us up for success.

Earlier that day, Dominic very unintentionally hurt my feelings. I'm not blogging the details, he feels horrible about it and I certainly don't need to tear him down. This isn't a fantasy land romance novel, sometimes one of us drops the ball and it's life.

But, I had no margin to just let it go. During our time in this dynamic I've become much more aware of and comfortable in softer emotions. I skipped the "hurt to anger" cycle and just stayed hurt. I tried to be respectful but quickly spiraled into nonsensical blubbering.

Monthly hormones added a shot of heightened drama to this cyclone of chaos. This also happened a few days after I'd received a significant punishment. Implements speak to each of us in different ways. He'd used my most dreaded implement, a large wooden paddle. I only associate this paddle with behavior correction. Wood isn't brought out for fun or preventative stress relief. Dominic has a few things he does to make a punishment very different other types of spankings. So I'd felt rightfully punished.

I'm aware of the concept of subdrop, but because I'd been punished I didn't associate the spanking with kink. I didn't realize I have even placed subdrop on the strictly kinky shelf.  My feelings surrounding the spanking were not kinky. They were ones of chastisement, shame for the behavior that had landed me over his knee, feeling bad we were spending time dealing with that rather than the other things he could have been doing. Spanking is so frequent for us, but serious punishments are very few and far between. (Thankfully!!). I wasn't aware that I might want to check myself before acting any passing feelings or moods. Not every mood that stops by is a welcome guest.

I am also pouring a lot of myself out these next few weeks as kids head back to school. Parenting kids through transitions is big league time. Part of the appeal of Dominic spanking me is my brain is not amending a grocery list, figuring out how to get a car to the shop, make it to 3 meetings, shuttle a kid to an activity and thaw meat in time for dinner. All brain function focuses on him and the fire lit on my butt. I'm not taking care of anyone else for this precious time, he's 100% focused on taking care of me. That connection can carry me through some of the times where he isn't physically here or I do have to wrangle something on my own.  I can't pour from an empty pitcher, regular refills required. I realized I had worked myself into this frenzy viewing all of our coming tasks as mine to deal with and mine alone. I didn't see him in the trenches with me. When I'm not sleep deprived late at night, I know that's just not true.

I've gleaned from lurking on your blogs that we all have different descriptions for the variety of spankings received. The term "Good Girl Spanking" does not apply here. What do you call a spanking delivered because your brain keeps spinning and spinning, the to-do list is all your eyes can see, you feel fragile and crazy all at the same time? Oh and while that's being addressed, there are female hormones to keep at bay? The spanking that has to be given because he abso-freaking-lutely is going to make sure his wife never again thinks the pull of the moon, PMS and a full calendar is an acceptable reason to doubt that he's doing the hard work of life with me?

There likely won't be a name for this particular message at my house. Dominic does his HOH thing without his wife's level of commentary.