Wednesday, February 7, 2018

In defense of the small stuff.

We've reached a point in our dynamic where we're both on board with seemingly small things being rules. Not taking vitamins, staying up late reading or scrolling through Facebook, not eating lunch until 3 PM... things that Dominic early on said he didn't want to spank for because it seemed like he was keeping score.

We've changed our views.  Send your condolences to my ass. 

What I saw as The Small Stuff is all related to Self-Care. And that is not a small thing at all.

I had a huge explosion this past week. It was ridiculous. In the midst of my emotional storm, Dominic did all the things our favorite e-book alpha males do. He was solid. He didn't join me in the chaos. 

While he could empathize with my frustrations after a long week and some rough stuff at work and one of our children, he didn't change his expectations for how we handle life.  My freak out told Dominic that I was seriously overdue for attention from him. During our "discussion", we realized I hadn't refilled my vitamins in a long time. I hadn't drank hardly any water all week, I'd been going to bed super late. All the things needed to be a healthy human. By the time the kids were asleep, he was waiting with the hairbrush, paddle, and belt. I dreaded laying over his lap. My heart sank when he unbuttoned my pants. 

But I still wanted him to do all of those things.  Truth be told, he could have done that for three or four occasions that week and it would have been warranted. I knew this punishment was needed and overdue.

Dominic doesn't dole out consequences for not taking care of things is not because he's mad and thinks I deserve a spanking for not taking my vitamins. He doesn't spank because he's offended that I dared to raise my voice. Rather, those behaviors are red flags that my stress levels are rising. Spending time in a submissive position is my best stress relief, as much as I dread/appreciate/love it. So when I'm neglecting household chores and snapping because how it is possible we have laundry again? It's not out of a desire to make me pay.  (Though I'm sure a small part of him feels joy at watching me go from dragon lady to quietly answering "yes sir!") Those "small things" let Dominic know my grip on life is slipping a little and I need his help.

I've blogged before about how silly it is that I don't ask for stress relief. I hate asking because I feel like I've failed and "let" myself get stressed. We both know spanking chills me out, helps him understand me better, and frankly just makes me a nicer, calmer person. Life is just stressful because it is that season, so its normal and expected that I should get tired and need him to help me recenter.

Waiting for the big explosion to get spanked means I'm flailing on my own away from Dominic too long.  My explosions hurt him, they hurt my kids' feelings sometimes because really crappy things fly out of my mouth when I'm that tired and emotionally exhausted. Neither of us want that -- we are not okay with that.  There's a part of me that wants to pay for it when I lose my cool. I don't want that to be how I am. Thankfully, Dominic wants to help me. Even if he can't whip out the paddle in the middle of making dinner, he can encourage and help me get through the evening... promising he'll settle down my crazy thoughts once the kids are asleep.

But if he doesn't know this, he has to wait until I've flipped out. That isn't fair to him. So the small rules? They're all seemingly little things that are a good way for us to know how I'm doing. When I start forgetting the things that I usually prioritize, don't make time to read for fun, or even try to blog... an explosion is probably eminent. We both know the spanking is not about vitamins. The spanking is Dominic warding off bigger stress behaviors.  Does this feel silly to say "yes, I want spanked for the small stuff. I want it to matter."

Well, yeah. But it works.

As much as I'm turned on by the idea of him in dominant mode and being the boss of me and our home, it's humbling when he's actually in disciplinarian mode. Humbling--not belittling or humiliating. I know he doesn't think less of me when he makes it clear he expects me to go to sleep. We both know how unreasonable I am without enough sleep. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it when I realize I'm absentmindedly flipping through my phone after he's told me to go to bed. I'm not excited to tell him that I did exactly that last night.... more than once. It's not a desire to be willful or disobey him. I have bad sleep habits and I need his help to develop better ones! I appreciate that he's willing to help me develop better habits and not just annoyed with me for not sleeping enough.

In our early days, I felt so disappointed when I got in trouble. I thought I was failing at submission, that I wasn't dedicated enough to living this way. Even though I still get spanked for the same things, I know we've grown tremendously.  DD is a tool we use to help me stay in tune with our relationship and make it a priority when there are a lot of distracting things demanding my energy and attention.  I'm not happy when he starts spanking, but I feel so much better when it's over.

I need and appreciate that Dominic will kick to the curb all of the things that are giving me anxiety.  I over think, I have way too many decisions to make. But when I'm over his lap, I don't have to think. I am absolutely not going to be making any decisions!! It's a break that my brain desperately needs.  I have to be two steps ahead of everything and everyone when I'm in work or parenting mode. When Dominic is getting on me to take better care of myself and be present for him, I finally get to shake off all the exhausting roles I have to play. 

So yes, being held accountable for vitamins or sleep has very little to do with those things. It's Dominic keeping the crazy away from us for just awhile.... and each time helping me get a little better about self-care. Does any submissive ever say "gosh, I wish he paid less attention" or "I wish I'd gotten away with that."

Nope. The blogs, the social media networks, they all ask for more dominance, more accountability.  I think that's because we just want more of our partners; because we need them.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Cheaper than therapy.

There are days I question both Dominic and I's mental health. Those thoughts hit on the days where the kids are out of school, one or more sick, work stress, our families wanting more time, etc. Then I remember we're just exhausted from these wonderful, all-consuming days of our lives. We aren't parenting poorly, our jobs aren't toxic, it's just a lot.

Sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) I hesitate to tell Dominic what I need. I don't feel like explaining myself or having a long discussion, I can barely stand to be around me by the end of the day! I don't have a major rule violation to own up to.

Over Christmas break we had a very hard day with one of our children. I flopped into the bathtub with a drink and book after we got through bedtime. I'd willingly slid down the slippery slope of self-pity and blaming myself for every poor choice this child made.  Dominic asked "What do you need from me?"  I've thought about that conversation a lot. I didn't know how to answer it.

I really hadn't done anything wrong and wasn't acting like I was super stressed. I just felt exhaustion. Looking back, I wish I could have answered that I needed him to show me how much stronger he is than me, that even though he'd been in the trenches of parenting with me all day, I needed to feel his dominance and hopefully some of his internal strength would transfer onto me... because I was just spent.

When I'm beyond physical exhaustion and my soul is weary, I don't add value to any conversation. I've got nothing left and will seriously explode if one more thing is asked of me. I really could do some harm to Dominic if he asks me to locate an object in that moment... The safest place in the world for me to be at that moment is in submission. I'll start breathing again, cry out the angst and annoyances I pretend to not file away throughout the day, and knock all of the weight off my shoulders that probably doesn't even belong there. Because my husband is a dominant, not a domineering asshole, it's taken us time to realize that spanking is a good way to handle a huge wave of emotions. Dominic didn't just get frustrated by my moods and start spanking and it luckily worked out... it's something that we've figured out works.

I TOLD HIM after a grumpy morning while traveling that yes, spanking probably would have helped. Sometimes there's not a dragon for him to slay for me, I don't need help with a specific task. But I do need my brain to just shut up and let me rest. It's a bit silly, we both know it'll help but I still hesitate to communicate that need. Once I put up the SOS, I'm in for a vulnerable, intense ride, that will end with us both happier, relaxed, and in tune with each other...

but I still go back and forth on whether or not to ask.💁

Sunday, December 10, 2017

The No-Pardon Zone

I can't always finish posts in a decent amount of time. We've also been at this a lot longer than I've blogged. This was written at some point in 2017... and posting now! 

It's a head spinning realization when you realize your husband has settled in just fine to that Head of Household role that you'd hoped for but couldn't truly understand back when ttwd was new. In the beginning, a spanking might be milder or not given at all based on any number of things. Perhaps he understood why I had gotten so angry and knew he hadn't been without fault, so a punishment wouldn't be given.

Then one day you wake up and find argumentative words keep flying out of your mouth. Despite his glare, I kept up on going. My mouth finally closed when my brain's danger signs finally caught up to my mouth.

Damage done. Did Dominic understand why I was mad? Yes. Was he frustrated about the situation like I was? Yes. 

But the violations were there. I'd yelled, been disrespectful, ignored his warnings and attempts to de-escalate my anger. And the final nail in my coffin: I'd put on this performance in front of our kids.

Our day went on and I was good as gold. A small part of me briefly entertained maybe it wouldn't be that bad, since the day was fine except for the morning's blip. 

But it was "that bad."

Because my HOH had listened when I told him letting me off the hook was confusing, that a spanking that wasn't a struggle to submit to made me feel unsettled. He'd watched how I behaved after punishments. So I got a punishment I didn't like one single bit. There was no mistaking it for maintenance, stress-relief, or foreplay. I didn't feel sexy at all. 

With time and practice, Dominic learned an effective spanking isn't measured solely by redness, but by my post-spanking attitude. To get me curled up in his lap after, my brain no longer spinning or obsessing about what went wrong requires a pretty intense experience. So the man who was once hesitant to move beyond playful spanking, ordered me to the couch furthest from the kids bedrooms.

I hate the pain of the paddle. I really hate it. There's no element of erotic spanking. The big wooden paddle is just pain. Positioning myself to receive that pain does something good to my brain though. I know I will hurt. I know it's not going to end until he's ready. I know there's not a chance I can shut out the emotional and physical feeling, no numb brave front is possible. I just feel.

I am very intentional about not acting on my feelings professionally. That is hard to turn off when I get home.

No fussing or cajoling will change what he's decided to do. But I feel overwhelmed by a feeling of being his. No one is going to give me a stressful work assignment, the kids won't have a crisis or spill an entire Tupperware bowl of soup on the floor. The only thing going I'm aware of in the entire world is that I belong with my husband. Something went awry and he is making everything right again. Of course once the spanking begins, my introspective thoughts go AWOL.  The paddle is all I'm aware of. When he pauses between sets, I might be aware of him holding my hand, his knee holding me up, or how cold the rest of my body is versus my flaming backside. But those are fleeting thoughts. The paddle starts back up again. He asks me questions I can't quite comprehend, he reaffirms his expectations for my behavior. I'm too muddled to think through these things, so I keep replying "Yes Sir."

A particularly hard spot lands and I jump a bit. He pats my head and tells me we've got more to go. Eventually it ends. I'm somehow supposed to stand up and walk upstairs!? But I do, I'm not thinking at all anymore. While I'm aware of the screaming muscles in my thighs and butt, I'm mainly aware that I've been told to walk so I'm walking. 

Post-spanking sleep is some of the best sleep I get. I may wake up when I accidentally roll from my stomach, but the sleep is deep. When I wake up the next morning and cringe at the soreness, I remember mornings I woke up not feeling a thing and still unsettled. I don't have that after his punishments now. I can't have him close enough to me. If life allowed, I'd curl up in his lap all day. I don't want to be paddled ever again, but remembering my trip across his lap makes me smile. When that wretched paddle is involved, the next day's ache is non-stop. And that man gloats and grins at my every wince or gasp at sitting. Even laying on my stomach, I'm aware of the ache. 

But I am on point, no sass from me. I start to question him later that evening and stop before the words are out of my mouth. Hell. No. I am not going anywhere a spanking.

In the early days of ttwd, I was in awe of the spankings I'd read about in blogland or ebooks. Spankings that seemed so emotionally impactful, your spankers seemed matter of fact and confident in doling out a no-nonsense whopper. We've now paid the toll of trial and error to learn what all makes a punishment effective for us. While you can know something's worked for others, the exact cocktail of factors that make a spanking effective is unique to every couple. 

My husband confidently paddles because he knows first hand the value of discipline in our marriage. Dominic spanking because he knows I need it AND needs it because we are both better when in our roles is a blissful* feeling.

(*Dominic actually spanking me is not blissful. It. Hurts. A. Lot.) 

We had many conversations as we explored this dynamic where I tried to explain how I felt when an infraction may have been a grey area and I wasn't made to answer for myself. With time, he saw it for himself: making rules he didn't enforce left me feeling neglected and crazy. Letting things slide was not him being a nice guy. I crave structure and knowing I don't have to bear the mental load of parenthood and life by myself. And here we are, The Boss fully confident in zero tolerance as the rule is the warning. No room for a 3 strike policy in ttwd; this is not baseball.

Upside to the awful pain of my husband being strict and bossy? I cannot get enough of him! 🔥

I wish my new to ttwd self would have enjoyed those early days while they lasted. Because we'd soon enough hit a season where I might not sit comfortably for a week straight! We gained insight from others blogs, but this thing only works for you when you figure out what your relationship needs. And like all good things, time and effort is the only way to figure that out.  I pushed Dominic for "more" when we started this, but couldn't articulate what that meant for quite some time.

We've gotten there now, for better or worse. 😬

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Spanksgiving

No need to click on this article, Dominic has a solution and this holiday will forever be known to me as Spanksgiving. The hiatus was so very, very over.

For now, a few lessons learned...
  • Spanking over jeans still hurts plenty!
  • He can figure out a way to reframe my state of mine, even if we are visiting relatives. 
  • Growth is something to be thankful for. I’ve been guilty of giving Dominic the answer I think he wants or the answer I should give. Particularly if he's wanting to watch a game or go golfing. While I’m not perfect in my handling of these topics, it’s better than it used to be. 
  • When mama is exhausted, it’s easy to hand the tablet to a grumpy child. Unfortunately I’ve accidentally made in-app purchases and bought full seasons of TV shows when I meant to buy one episode. 🤦🏻‍♀️
  • Hot and Cold is just how this will go in our season of life. It seems like there are weeks I get spanked constantly to be followed by a week of barely talking before we both crash. It's not inconsistency, it's just the way it is.
  • Preventative spanking before a chaotic event is preferable than trying to keep myself from exploding during a stressful family event.  Not needing help with stress or letting myself be stressed would be ideal, but we don't live in utopia. 
  • I'm nicer when sitting makes me flinch.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Hiatuses end with a splat.

The hiatus ended with a bang... or I guess I should say splat.  The paddle was dusted off the shelf, once it was found. Our closets are a bit of a mess and the gentler paddle used for maintenance wasn’t easily accessible. If I’d known the grand, big paddle would make an appearance I might have organized his side! 

I get the best sleep of my life after he’s worn me out. I think I subconsciously wonder if we are really back in our dynamic. I feel good, the spanking and post-spanking attention leaves me sated. But once I’m away from him during the day, I have bouts of anxiety at being away from him. Even when I’m squirming from soreness. That connection is good! I don’t want it to end to head back to work or do the laundry. 

I think that’s where submissives sometimes find themselves earning a punishment or needing another round so soon after the hiatus ends. I’m sore, I don’t really want to feel that mean paddle again. 

But we are heading into Thanksgiving and family events. I want to be present and calm. We know what buttons need pushed to keep me there. I remember at the beginning of this dynamic, when I needed more so often, I would think we’d done something wrong! Maybe I wasn’t trying or he hadn’t been stern enough or spanked severely enough? We know that is not true at all now. We are doing it right for us, and that means I got spanked last night and I’m going to need a few more spankings before Thanksgiving dinner is served. A tight grip makes me hyper aware of his presence, reminding me in the midst of our chaotic life that he’ll take care of me. The holidays can be a tempting time to fall out of DD habits, but it’s most critical. Even if Dominic can understand why I’m being short, knowing he’ll spank as soon as we get home is a good deterrent. It’s not just because it’s going to hurt (which it does!) but knowing he’s in tune with me. I can adult on my own, but it’s so much easier to do so when I feel supported by his leadership. I need to feel that leadership for it to really sink in. 

I realize these words will be used against me... but it’s all true. When Dominic gives me grace, I resent it at the same time I’m relieved! It means a lot to me that he empathizes with my frustrations and state of mind, if he didn’t I wouldn’t be inclined to trust him with that nasty paddle! But, I still need the closer. 

Now that I’ve all but sealed my own fate... 

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Oh, is it nearly December?!

Well this absence is embarrassing. Am I even qualified to post in this universe?

From realizing I’m still up at 2 AM cleaning, starting the morning snapping at my husband, unplanned trips to the store and impulsive, scattered purchases without any discussion let alone permission, things are all out of whack in our house. I remember sometimes “I probably would be in trouble for this, but we are so tired.” It’s not outright defiance as much as survival mode. 

We’ve weathered the school year transition with our children in healthy places. I had a major surgery that I've just now felt like I've recovered from. Naturally, we've slid into not connecting. Healthy, connected relationships don’t just happen. The good stuff takes a lot of time and effort, sometimes we don’t have any margin left for it. It's understandable, as much as we know DD is worth it... it's just not advisable while recovering from surgery and taking pain meds every 4 hours!

I've settled into my grumpy bossy pants. We’ve been processing our stress internally, knowing the other is tired and annoyed with it all too. Spanking would absolutely have not been safe so it’s not a complaint that either of us have been slacking.

But I’ve recovered though and the reckoning is coming. Coming just in time for the holidays where DD is so very, very required!

I've just assumed Dominic knows how flustered and out of control I've felt, how overwhelmed I am just grocery shopping or anxiety over our children’s Thanksgiving outfits. (Absolutely absurd. Did your mothers have you in special outfits for Thanksgiving? Mine never did!) 

All the slip ups aside, our biggest challenge will be getting back into checking in- me going to him and telling him I need am off kilter. Us taking the effort to use a few minutes to reconnect even if it's only a few minutes. It's tempting if we do have an hour to catch up on shows, go to dinner, or do laundry... not focus on our roles.

During the day I'll think how I really miss an intense, round the clock dynamic and the accountability. By night time, I'm not sure what day it is or if I have the energy to brush my teeth though. I do know I've pushed Dominic to the end of his patience with my smart mouth so the reckoning is coming... at least I don't have to sit through Thanksgiving Dinner. The up and down of keeping children fed and happy at family gatherings means I won't sit more than a few minutes anyway! 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Hot Exciting Nights!

The small people in our home are finally asleep.  One child in particular has decided sleep is something they've done plenty of in life and see no reason to mess with it each night.  It's quite darling.

We stumble into our room and had the most exciting, connecting conversation as we prepared for bed.

Husband: I thought about stopping at Redbox on my way home tonight.
Me: Why? Were you wanting to make a donation?
Husband: Yeah, I didn't stop. I laughed. 

I flop onto my side of the bed. 

Me: Are you reading or do you want me to turn off the light?

Husband: mumbles incoherently... already asleep.

Tis the Season, we aren't unique. Friends liking different articles called "Dear Husband, I miss you" remind me of our isolated solidarity in my social media feed.  There are so many of them! This one is good... and this one! Everyone is worn and tattered from parenthood!)

Another ttwd blogger shared the same weariness here... It's just life right now. But the small people we've been entrusted to raise are thriving, growing, learning so our weird, half-finished conversations aren't totally in vain.