Spanking made me cry... long after the fact.

I don't burst into tears from the impact of a spanking. Dominic can wear me out with his belt, the cane, paddle... or all of the above and I don't just burst into tears.

But hurt feelings? Eventually I can cry. I don't cry over much, but thinking Dominic is mad at me or rejecting me... so many tears. (The man has never rejected me, hormones do evil things to my emotions.)

Spanking can turn me into a puddle of tears if I'm spanked often enough... because spanking does a number on my heart.

This past week, I've been spanked like it's going out of style. I'm grateful Dominic is comfortable giving me what I need. In keeping up with all of life, I've needed reminded to not throw acidic words at him or use a nasty tone of voice over things that are neither of our faults.

Our dynamic is working just as it should. Multiple spankings in a few days doesn't mean the dynamic isn't working - it's just been a whole lotta life thrown at us. While my butt is definitely tender, my feelings are even more fragile. Before the sting of one spanking wore off and I'd come down from that sleepy high, I found myself feeling his corrections again. I'm feeling our roles in a very intense, raw way. We had a misunderstanding during our kids' manic bedtime. It was 100% a misunderstanding that we could have worked through in less than a minute. I didn't realize how vulnerable and sensitive I was becoming - the feelings were right at the surface but I hadn't yet realized that's what was going on.

But Dominic gave me an angry look and I burst into tears. He was sitting in the same spot on our bed he always sits in before he spanks. I thought he had decided to spank without hearing me. He looked SO ANGRY. And yes, he was angry... but he sat in that spot because it was the first place to sit when he walked into our room. This optics were bad and I was devastated that just when I was feeling so connected, heard, and understood, he would just decide to spank in such a heated moment.  I fell apart and couldn't stop crying. We both had a horrible night of sleep, neither one really understanding how everything came apart so fast.

Yes, spanking is a very physical thing. The impact is real - we all know that and joke about our struggles to sit. Pain is exhausting, after so many (much needed) spankings, I need rest.

I've tried to think of what would have kept the meltdown from happening. We hadn't had aftercare or sleep after my last spanking. I was tired of it hanging over my head and asked if he could just do it. So we did ... and then went on with the evening. I think I needed time with him when it's more than reminder, "get your attitude in check" swats. Maintenance just for maintenance, without addressing infractions helps too. All things that are easier to remember when I'm typing in the middle of the day versus when we're exhausted at home...

The emotional impact is bigger, it stays with us and transforms long after a red ass fades.  It's been a long while since I've been disciplined this much in a short window of time. I'm not going to react and process the exact same way I would have another time. My puddle of emotions surprised Dominic and his surprise caught me off guard too. This painful mess is a good reminder that our dynamic doesn't work in auto-pilot. We have to keep talking and checking in. I think I was embarrassed at how sensitive I was starting to feel. When he's really strict and enforces our rules, I want to stay in submissive mode more often. It's hard to do that when much of life calls me to be Mama Bear.  Now we know we need to work on making that transition smoother. Isn't that what we spend all of life doing? Softening the blow of transitions?

Protecting us.

How are we people of the internet? Did everyone survive the great Facebook and Instagram Outage of 2019?

If being able to Mom in less than 5 hours of sleep regularly is a sign of a good parent, then I’m the absolute worst.  I no longer have newborns. But I share life with small children and animals... so I am majorly sleep deprived. I wish I could go back to sleep, but that’s not in the cards this morning. That’s my disclaimer to not overthink anything I blog. 

I.am.so.tired. 

je suis fatigué

Je suits fatiga 

The biggest rule of all the rules that is a punishable offense got broken. This level of offense hasn’t happened in quite some time. Mild disrespect, playful bratting, throwing up attitude, safety things like messing up medicine, staying up all night reading... my husband has great concern for all of those things. But the top shelf offense is losing my shit. I grew up in an angry, irritable household. My parents (who are fantastic, just human) were often careless with their words and processed their own junk within earshot of their children. I still can feel the anxiety and unsettled nerves I felt as a kid when I heard raised voices. I asked my husband before he was my husband to help me with this. I didn’t want to carry those toxic behaviors into my home and pass unhealthy emotional regulation to our children. 

So my incredible man steps in and takes over situations with the kids when he can see I am just spent. He shoots me a look, smacks my butt, or squeezes me tight to get my attention when he sees that I’m fraying. He’s worked very hard alongside me to handle the stressors of life in a healthy way. 

I’ve prayed before that God would zap me with lightning before I ever caused any kind of harm to my children. I didn’t get zapped with lightning but Dominic’s implements come pretty close. 

We’d had some really great stretches of days. Dominic was working late, but I had dinner done, the kids fed and all signs were there for a smooth evening. I really wanted smooth evening for him as he has been working 12 hour days. About ten minutes before he came home, my kids sprouted horns. Dominic walked in right as I was absolutely losing my cool. Really crappy things flew out of my mouth at a horrifically high volume. 

I felt a rush of relief when Dominic walked in. We all immediately calmed and told him about our day. He helped me get the kids bathed and to bed.  Then he struck me with lightning. Not sure if all children were asleep, he stuck with quieter implements that take extra effort for me to keep quiet with.

I was not looking forward to this. It wasn’t to relax, reset, or rev me up. The mood was I don't care WTF were you thinking, that doesn't happen here. As I stood in the bathroom with my hands on the edge of the tub, I realized there are a few things that always are at play when I let anger overwhelm me. 

I’ve been subconsciously making decisions based on others expectations for what working mom, wife, or my role at work should look like. I got dinner done yesterday, but missed the signs that my kids needed to connect with me. Dominic prioritizes their well being over a home cooked meal or dinner on the stove when he walks in. That man will eat frozen pizza or a sandwich without complaint if it means peace in his family. My parents help us a lot and it’s so appreciated. I don’t take it for granted that my kids get so much grandparent time. But sometimes  I fall into doing what my mom would do or what she’s mentioned in passing instead of checking in with Dominic. As Dominic whaled on me, I realized even if family relationships aren’t bad, they still need boundaries. 

When I shut out the outside voices and influences and look at Dominic and I’s marriage and the family we are building, we are a good team. We’ve got this. Our kids have their struggles but we are blessedly on the same page in connecting with and handling our children.

The day has started with co-worker drama, weird weather, and lots of opinions from my parents. Looking back, I should have checked in with Dominic twice regarding some kid issues. By the time we got to my freaking out episode, I likely wouldn’t have felt so defeated. 

I was tired and quiet when Dominic finished spanking. He was a little worried by my silence so I reassured him I had never felt I deserved a spanking more. The entire day had exhausted me. As I drifted off and then was up half the night with those darling children, I kept thinking back to how calm I was when he walked in. Oh I knew I was toast, but that was far from the forefront of my brain. I was just so very relieved he was home. 

My lightbulb thought was this is why we do DD. To silence everything else in our lives, to physically push it all away.  When I feel like I probably need more or don’t feel settled after a spanking, it’s not a reflection on how Dominic spanked or my inability to submit. I realized yesterday that the louder the outside influence, the more thoroughly I need spanked. 

We enjoy plenty of sexy spankings, attitude adjusters, gentler reconnections and stress relief. We don’t fit in any one box of power exchange dynamic, we do what works for us. 

My meltdown of all meltdowns reaffirmed why the Domestic Discipline spankings are part of our marriage. I desperately needed my husband calmly and sternly to tell me WE come first, WE are enough and our expectations and dreams are all that we will focus on. He does that when he stops what we are doing, communicates that, and yes, turns me fire engine red.  

Protected. Cherished. Post-spanking and on very little sleep, that's how I'm feeling.

Piercing sting vs. Thuddy whomp

Our guys are not mind readers. As I've worked through this in my head, I thought I should write through it so Dominic and I both would understand what I'm thinking. I hope it helps others think about why they're disappointed after a spanking or it didn't "feel" like punishment or that you need "more." Those are obscure thoughts that just frustrate the dom holding the paddle.

Dominic has never presented a particular implement as being for a specific type of spanking. In my head though, I've started to make my own connections. They're not always what gets used for those spankings either. The impact on my skin and the sensations the implement causes combined with the tempo and severity Dominic tends to use most often have created these categories in my head.

I realized I had subconsciously done that during a spanking gone wrong. We hadn't been able to connect in awhile with sickness and schedule. It was our usual night for maintenance, I was wound up and so freaking stressed. BUT I also had earned some serious attitude adjustment/punishment/absolutely needed my ass worn out. I struggle to handle the paddle we have. It's not a maintenance thing - it's definitely an "in trouble" implement. I've been stewing on why I was so angry while he paddled me. (FYI - the spanking ended up needing rescheduled after we had a real discussion with words.) I needed stress relief BADLY. I'd been so unmoored, I needed to just talk to my husband, be held, have "vanilla" sex. I didn't want to be so wound up. I tried really hard to take those swats. But I was clawing at the sheets and tensing up with each one. Dominic stopped. He spanks to have a calm, sated wife. He doesn't spank for the sake of spanking.

In my head, those sharp, stringing, bee sting swats that light up a big area of my ass are punishment. Yes, I needed punished. I just wasn't in head space to get there. I didn't know why, I was angry I wasn't in that head space and until I sat down to type, I couldn't put words to my mood.

What kind of spanking re-connects me, settles the crazy ping-pong maze in my brain? A show of force. (this is all consensual so no pearl clutching.) My primal brain is going strong. I need to physically feel things that are stronger than the storms of "adulting." (I've loathed that word, but it fits.)  If I were filling out an order form for "Pull Me Out of the Storm" spanking, I'd want thrown down on the bed and soundly spanked with his belt. A spanking that starts before my pants are down fast forwards my head space into submission land. This was a weird thing to realize. Yes, bare bottom hurts infinitely worse. But a spanking that comes out of nowhere and he doesn't even mess with any formalities makes me feel how desperately he wants us in a better place.  Those are the spankings I can feel for a few days, where his belt has gotten us past all my walls and then he drives it home with the wretched paddle or something heavy.

My takeaway was, I cannot handle a lot of piercing sting over and over again if we haven't talked through whatever has gotten me so freaking keyed up to begin with. It's a huge act of submission for me to do that - and I've just now realized this. I really, really struggle to submit when we've been ships passing in the night. Now that I've been chewing on this, hopefully I can remember to COMMUNICATE and tell him I really, really need my husband first.

If we were able to deal with infractions on the spot, I think I might be able to handle a sharp stingy spanking right away. We have to wait until everyone is very, very asleep or out of the house though. That's made the cane a stress relief implement more than a severe punishment implement (in my thoughts.) Dominic could swing it 10x harder for punishment, but since it's a quiet implement he uses it when little ears are up and about. I haven't had a huge offense in a long time where he would mix the cane up with other implements. So when the cane comes out, I don't necessarily think the spanking is going to be super severe.

My darling children destroyed my wooden hairbrush in some creative game in the backyard. It was covered in mud. I replaced it with a round brush because I'd been doing my hair differently. However... I'm thinking I need to replace the wooden one. (Cringing as I type this.) The hairbrush sucks, it's loud, heavy, and a deterrent. It came out when Dominic knew I needed more impact. The brush stings like a paddle, but it's so compact that it goes a lot deeper. If he really swung with it for an extended length of time, I'm sure I would be black and blue. The heavier, thuddier implements go deep and those are the ones I feel for awhile. Yes, I hate to admit it and know my ass will regret it, but I need to feel it after the spanking is over to keep me in that "endorphin rush submissive zone."

Since Dominic reads my blog, I'm really interested to hear his thoughts on what he associates these implements with. Maybe after all these years I can talk him into posting from his perspective -- but don't hold your breath. :)

What I'm reading lately...

While we have full bookshelves in our house, our current season of life means e-readers and audio book apps are the most functional. This also means I don't have to worry about my kids picking up a steamy book or be embarrassed by a kinky book cover while reading in a waiting room. When I need to just check out of life, e-books are my thing.

Not all books are equal and I've been so annoyed to download books with plenty of good reviews that are maybe six chapters long! Since I've found some series that I really like, I thought I'd share them here. I appreciate good writing and a good domestic discipline story. It's hard to sift through what genre of erotic romance a book can be sometimes.

Here's what's caught my eye lately...

Alyssa Bailey - Her website header is "romance for the naughty in all of us."
I'm currently getting to know the O'Connor cowboys and their spitfire women. They're all domestic discipline relationships, with some couples having a more D/s flavor. No one way to do this dynamic and the characters cover a wide berth of preferences. I like that her submissive women are far from submissive, but choose to submit after really battling why this would benefit them personally and their relationships.

Jane Henry writes some of the absolute best spicy DD. She's written a lot of very different series with very different kink dynamics. Boston Doms are definitely in the DD realm. The individual books are all on Kindle Unlimited. Her characters live more relatable lives than the mafia princess and billionaire books. This one is my absolute favorite because I could relate all too well of the stress and exhaustion of living with a high needs/neurodiverse child.

I bought Deliverance and I would have paid double for it - loved it!

If you want some serious, tried and true domestic discipline, Corbin's Bend is always a safe bet. Returning to Us is one I liked lately.

This is not a sponsored post - I've read most of these books on Kindle Unlimited or bought them. No free books were given in exchange for my quick little blog review.

How's DD going?

We either have time or we don't. We're either too exhausted or we aren't. But it's never super far away. I was at home with a sick kid who was throwing up on me. I managed to not impulsively shop online and text Dominic when I saw a need for things. But when we go awhile without having time and throw in schedule dysfunction, it's really hard to get back into our roles. We functioned through illness and the world didn't end. Because of course I can do all the things and my husband carries his load as well. But when the dynamic feels like the its gathering dust on the back burner?

It happens sometimes. We usually have some kind of re-connection/clearing the slate/reset/whatever you want to call it. There are discussions but it comes back together. This time a perfect storm of extreme, hopefully once in a lifetime scary situation, some really good news, illnesses, and snow days had destroyed all mature functioning in my brain. I had zero ability to regulate my emotions. Punishment was absolutely earned and Dominic was ready to enforce our rules.

And I could not submit. I just couldn't do it. I kept arguing even as I bent over our bed. My pajama pants were down, I was in a "submissive position." I was anything but that. I just got angrier and angrier. So I stood up and announced I was not doing this and I was going to bed.

An incredibly frustrating night for Dominic. He tried to enforce rules and handle issues very quickly after they occurred. I could have communicated how badly I needed a good nights sleep. But I didn't. I stayed defiant and kept running my mouth. Usually I can feel my uneasiness build when life is moving too fast and we aren't connecting. This one hit me out of the blue because the fast pace had gotten sort of normal. We were functioning okay day to day and keeping up with the chaos. I was telling him what I needed him to help with, not asking, not discussing the day to day and deferring to his ideas. Not accepting his offers to help with pickups or errands. If it wasn't going to kill me to do something, I did it. I don't know if I was harboring some subconscious expectations that he would magically fix our schedule or just start telling me no? Maybe we'd been so far out of our roles I was spiraling without intentionally trying to get his attention? It's a good reminder that this dynamic can't function on auto pilot. Even when we get into a good grove, we can easily fall out of it. Physical attention is how I get back into my role.   Dominic knows this.

But my attitude was so ridiculous that I stood in the way of that. I'd been in a Type A mode and couldn't comprehend something not being on my terms. I obviously needed sleep along with a serious spanking and sex.

I forget submission takes some humility. Submission is so much more than my husband calling the shots in our sex life or my asking before swiping the debit card or making plans. Those are things I gravitate towards and mostly aren't a struggle. (Mostly. Authorized spending and asking before making plans have needed a lot of reminders.) I'm going to keep chewing on this word humility even though I really like being right.

And this is the post my husband will probably print and frame as a reminder of why we do this thing.

Head colds and the world's longest Christmas break have gotten in the way of our weekly check-in. Christmas break really has gone well but it is time to end. Our children have been out of school over two weeks with several days below freezing and a whole lot of family time. Kicking off December with an adults only getaway and a short leash when we returned was the perfect way to get me through the holidays. My darling sister came to town and I usually want to strangle her. She is best described as completely unsubmissive to the point of just being a jerk to her husband. But I didn't lose my cool. The spanking endorphins did the job.

But after an endorphin rush comes a crash... and my crash came on top of a cold and a far too long Christmas Break. This house needs routine. We are a mess without it. The kids' bedtimes were off and my head felt like a pressure filled brick for over a week. I thought I was feeling better on Sunday. Sunday is our regularly scheduled but doesn't always happen maintenance night. I desperately wanted to re-connect and get back to our normal connection. I didn't even last ten spanks with his hand. (Which are no joke, but I can take plenty more.) So he stopped. I went to bed. Dominic gave me Nyquil and brought me a large glass of water that he wanted me to finish before I fell asleep.

A few days later we had our absolute worst adventure in parenting to date. So tonight I hoped we were back to normal as I attempted to make dinner. Homework drama turned into the world is ending kind of drama and another kid tried to "help" with the steaming Instapot. And I was all done. So I grabbed the curious little helper (who did not get burned, thank God!) and snuggled us in bed with a movie. I just walked out of the kitchen and shut the bedroom door. The baby* and I ate cookies for dinner and I'm not really sure what happened with what I cooked, but no one went to bed hungry and the kitchen was relatively clean Everyone went to bed early except me. I started at my Kindle for a few hours.

*The baby is not a baby anymore but my last kid will always be the baby.

Why are these random, vanilla stories important? Because I didn't make crappy nights worse. That's major growth. My reaction to being too sick to spank and too emotionally exhausted to finish dinner didn't turn up the shark music. In our rookie DD days, I would have either sucked it up and let Dominic keep spanking me because I wanted to "be submissive" or I would have been mad he didn't know I was sick. It's been years since I thought our roles involved mind reading. What a relief. I tried because I really felt like I could handle it and I let Dominic know when I just couldn't. Communication is all he wants. Submission looks like talking. I didn't stew on the failed spanking. I went to sleep because I was sick. I didn't worry about when we'd try to make it up or if I should try to show my submission somehow. I used to worry about "doing this right" all the time.

New to DD, I would have powered through dinner growing angrier with myself for having a chaotic house and feeling like a "failed submissive" because I couldn't even get dinner on the table. Serving dinner at a special time is not one of our rules. Looking back I see how much I stressed our dynamic out and handicapped our progress by putting unspoken expectations on myself for what Being Submissive should look like. Add messages buried deep in my brain from my youth group days of misguided purity & marriage Bible studies + my real desire to be a good wife and have our home be somewhere my husband was happy to return to + my frustration at my own manic work schedule and just generally feeling like I had no control over my life.... and the result was a DD beginning that was a hot mess.

I knew I was reaching a meltdown point tonight. So I left the kitchen and said in a normal tone of voice, "I just can't." Dominic knew what I was talking about. He didn't complain about not having a family dinner. Just two years ago I would have LOST MY HEAD and lit into him at that point. I would have probably thrown some kitchen utensils and then sobbed at another failure. The rewards at sticking to this dynamic are unique to each relationship. For us, one of the biggest has been ME letting go of my own expectations. I know that above all, Dominic wants me to come to him before I'm at the point of no return. We're on the same page when I'm tuned into him and not the many outside influences telling me what a motherhood, marriage, and being a woman should look like. I've certainly not "arrived" or become a Stepford Wife, but I did reach that point where I just want to know what Dominic wants. Better late than never, I guess. ;)

A Breath of Snow & Ashes on Spanking

Reading is my favorite. I earmarked these passages the first time I read A Breath of Snow and Ashes in the Outlander series.  They're good food for thought fellow spankos!

On spanking...
"Well, what did do? And why?"

"Well, he'd only take his belt to her now and then," he said, "and only if she made him."

I took a deep breath.

"If she made him? I asked calmly, under the circumstances.

"Well, ye ken Ian," he said, shrugging. "He's no the one to be doing that sort of thing unless Jenny deviled him into it."

"I never saw anything of that sort going on," I said, giving him a hard look.

"Well, she'd scarcely do it in front of ye, would she?"

"And she would, in front of you?"

"Well, not precisely, no," he admitted, "But I was often in the house, after Culloden. Now and then, though, I'd come down for a visit, and I'd see that she was .... brewing for something." ....

"She'd devil him," he said at last, shrugging. "Pick at him over nothing, make wee sarcastic remarks. She'd ---" His face cleared a bit as he came up with a suitable description  "She'd act like a spoilt wee lassie in need of the tawse."

I found this description completely incredible.  Jenny Murray had a sharp tongue, and few inhibitions about using it on anyone, her husband included.  Ian, the soul of good nature, merely laughed at her. But I simply couldn't countenance the notion of her behaving in the manner described.

"Well, so. I'd seen that a time or two, as I say.  And Ian would give her an eye, but held his peace.  But then the once... 

Thinking the house was empty, he had been startled by the noises in the bedchamber overhead....

"Well...  shrieks," he said, shrugging. "And giggling. A bit of shoving and banging, with a stool or some such falling over.  If it weren't for the yaffling, I should have thought there ere thieves in the house. But I kent it was Jenny's voice, and Ian's, -- he broke off, his ears going pink...

"So then ... there was a bit more -- raised voices, like -- and then the crack of a belt on a bum, and the sort of skelloch ye could hear across six fields."

..... okay just read the entire series, it's wonderful and there is so much more to this chapter! But the line I was struck by "if SHE made him."

On NOT spanking a previous partner: 
"I think it was that I didna care enough for her to think of it, let alone do it.

"Not to hurt her," he said again, speaking softly. "To own her. I Dina want to posses her. You, mo nighean donn--you, I would own." 

"Own me" I said. "And what exactly do you mean by that?

"What I say." There was still a gleam of humor in his eyes, but his voice was serious. "You're min, Sassenah. And I would do anything I thought I must to make that clear."