The No-Pardon Zone

I can't always finish posts in a decent amount of time. We've also been at this a lot longer than I've blogged. This was written at some point in 2017... and posting now! 

It's a head spinning realization when you realize your husband has settled in just fine to that Head of Household role that you'd hoped for but couldn't truly understand back when ttwd was new. In the beginning, a spanking might be milder or not given at all based on any number of things. Perhaps he understood why I had gotten so angry and knew he hadn't been without fault, so a punishment wouldn't be given.

Then one day you wake up and find argumentative words keep flying out of your mouth. Despite his glare, I kept up on going. My mouth finally closed when my brain's danger signs finally caught up to my mouth.

Damage done. Did Dominic understand why I was mad? Yes. Was he frustrated about the situation like I was? Yes. 

But the violations were there. I'd yelled, been disrespectful, ignored his warnings and attempts to de-escalate my anger. And the final nail in my coffin: I'd put on this performance in front of our kids.

Our day went on and I was good as gold. A small part of me briefly entertained maybe it wouldn't be that bad, since the day was fine except for the morning's blip. 

But it was "that bad."

Because my HOH had listened when I told him letting me off the hook was confusing, that a spanking that wasn't a struggle to submit to made me feel unsettled. He'd watched how I behaved after punishments. So I got a punishment I didn't like one single bit. There was no mistaking it for maintenance, stress-relief, or foreplay. I didn't feel sexy at all. 

With time and practice, Dominic learned an effective spanking isn't measured solely by redness, but by my post-spanking attitude. To get me curled up in his lap after, my brain no longer spinning or obsessing about what went wrong requires a pretty intense experience. So the man who was once hesitant to move beyond playful spanking, ordered me to the couch furthest from the kids bedrooms.

I hate the pain of the paddle. I really hate it. There's no element of erotic spanking. The big wooden paddle is just pain. Positioning myself to receive that pain does something good to my brain though. I know I will hurt. I know it's not going to end until he's ready. I know there's not a chance I can shut out the emotional and physical feeling, no numb brave front is possible. I just feel.

I am very intentional about not acting on my feelings professionally. That is hard to turn off when I get home.

No fussing or cajoling will change what he's decided to do. But I feel overwhelmed by a feeling of being his. No one is going to give me a stressful work assignment, the kids won't have a crisis or spill an entire Tupperware bowl of soup on the floor. The only thing going I'm aware of in the entire world is that I belong with my husband. Something went awry and he is making everything right again. Of course once the spanking begins, my introspective thoughts go AWOL.  The paddle is all I'm aware of. When he pauses between sets, I might be aware of him holding my hand, his knee holding me up, or how cold the rest of my body is versus my flaming backside. But those are fleeting thoughts. The paddle starts back up again. He asks me questions I can't quite comprehend, he reaffirms his expectations for my behavior. I'm too muddled to think through these things, so I keep replying "Yes Sir."

A particularly hard spot lands and I jump a bit. He pats my head and tells me we've got more to go. Eventually it ends. I'm somehow supposed to stand up and walk upstairs!? But I do, I'm not thinking at all anymore. While I'm aware of the screaming muscles in my thighs and butt, I'm mainly aware that I've been told to walk so I'm walking. 

Post-spanking sleep is some of the best sleep I get. I may wake up when I accidentally roll from my stomach, but the sleep is deep. When I wake up the next morning and cringe at the soreness, I remember mornings I woke up not feeling a thing and still unsettled. I don't have that after his punishments now. I can't have him close enough to me. If life allowed, I'd curl up in his lap all day. I don't want to be paddled ever again, but remembering my trip across his lap makes me smile. When that wretched paddle is involved, the next day's ache is non-stop. And that man gloats and grins at my every wince or gasp at sitting. Even laying on my stomach, I'm aware of the ache. 

But I am on point, no sass from me. I start to question him later that evening and stop before the words are out of my mouth. Hell. No. I am not going anywhere a spanking.

In the early days of ttwd, I was in awe of the spankings I'd read about in blogland or ebooks. Spankings that seemed so emotionally impactful, your spankers seemed matter of fact and confident in doling out a no-nonsense whopper. We've now paid the toll of trial and error to learn what all makes a punishment effective for us. While you can know something's worked for others, the exact cocktail of factors that make a spanking effective is unique to every couple. 

My husband confidently paddles because he knows first hand the value of discipline in our marriage. Dominic spanking because he knows I need it AND needs it because we are both better when in our roles is a blissful* feeling.

(*Dominic actually spanking me is not blissful. It. Hurts. A. Lot.) 

We had many conversations as we explored this dynamic where I tried to explain how I felt when an infraction may have been a grey area and I wasn't made to answer for myself. With time, he saw it for himself: making rules he didn't enforce left me feeling neglected and crazy. Letting things slide was not him being a nice guy. I crave structure and knowing I don't have to bear the mental load of parenthood and life by myself. And here we are, The Boss fully confident in zero tolerance as the rule is the warning. No room for a 3 strike policy in ttwd; this is not baseball.

Upside to the awful pain of my husband being strict and bossy? I cannot get enough of him! 🔥

I wish my new to ttwd self would have enjoyed those early days while they lasted. Because we'd soon enough hit a season where I might not sit comfortably for a week straight! We gained insight from others blogs, but this thing only works for you when you figure out what your relationship needs. And like all good things, time and effort is the only way to figure that out.  I pushed Dominic for "more" when we started this, but couldn't articulate what that meant for quite some time.

We've gotten there now, for better or worse. 😬

Spanksgiving

No need to click on this article, Dominic has a solution and this holiday will forever be known to me as Spanksgiving. The hiatus was so very, very over.

For now, a few lessons learned...

• Spanking over jeans still hurts plenty!
• He can figure out a way to reframe my state of mine, even if we are visiting relatives. 
• Growth is something to be thankful for. I’ve been guilty of giving Dominic the answer I think he wants or the answer I should give. Particularly if he's wanting to watch a game or go golfing. While I’m not perfect in my handling of these topics, it’s better than it used to be. 
• When mama is exhausted, it’s easy to hand the tablet to a grumpy child. Unfortunately I’ve accidentally made in-app purchases and bought full seasons of TV shows when I meant to buy one episode. 🤦🏻‍♀️
• Hot and Cold is just how this will go in our season of life. It seems like there are weeks I get spanked constantly to be followed by a week of barely talking before we both crash. It's not inconsistency, it's just the way it is.
• Preventative spanking before a chaotic event is preferable than trying to keep myself from exploding during a stressful family event.  Not needing help with stress or letting myself be stressed would be ideal, but we don't live in utopia. 
• I'm nicer when sitting makes me flinch.

Hiatuses end with a splat.

The hiatus ended with a bang... or I guess I should say splat.  The paddle was dusted off the shelf, once it was found. Our closets are a bit of a mess and the gentler paddle used for maintenance wasn’t easily accessible. If I’d known the grand, big paddle would make an appearance I might have organized his side! 

I get the best sleep of my life after he’s worn me out. I think I subconsciously wonder if we are really back in our dynamic. I feel good, the spanking and post-spanking attention leaves me sated. But once I’m away from him during the day, I have bouts of anxiety at being away from him. Even when I’m squirming from soreness. That connection is good! I don’t want it to end to head back to work or do the laundry. 

I think that’s where submissives sometimes find themselves earning a punishment or needing another round so soon after the hiatus ends. I’m sore, I don’t really want to feel that mean paddle again. 

But we are heading into Thanksgiving and family events. I want to be present and calm. We know what buttons need pushed to keep me there. I remember at the beginning of this dynamic, when I needed more so often, I would think we’d done something wrong! Maybe I wasn’t trying or he hadn’t been stern enough or spanked severely enough? We know that is not true at all now. We are doing it right for us, and that means I got spanked last night and I’m going to need a few more spankings before Thanksgiving dinner is served. A tight grip makes me hyper aware of his presence, reminding me in the midst of our chaotic life that he’ll take care of me. The holidays can be a tempting time to fall out of DD habits, but it’s most critical. Even if Dominic can understand why I’m being short, knowing he’ll spank as soon as we get home is a good deterrent. It’s not just because it’s going to hurt (which it does!) but knowing he’s in tune with me. I can adult on my own, but it’s so much easier to do so when I feel supported by his leadership. I need to feel that leadership for it to really sink in. 

I realize these words will be used against me... but it’s all true. When Dominic gives me grace, I resent it at the same time I’m relieved! It means a lot to me that he empathizes with my frustrations and state of mind, if he didn’t I wouldn’t be inclined to trust him with that nasty paddle! But, I still need the closer. 

Now that I’ve all but sealed my own fate... 

Oh, is it nearly December?!

Well this absence is embarrassing. Am I even qualified to post in this universe?

From realizing I’m still up at 2 AM cleaning, starting the morning snapping at my husband, unplanned trips to the store and impulsive, scattered purchases without any discussion let alone permission, things are all out of whack in our house. I remember sometimes “I probably would be in trouble for this, but we are so tired.” It’s not outright defiance as much as survival mode. 

We’ve weathered the school year transition with our children in healthy places. I had a major surgery that I've just now felt like I've recovered from. Naturally, we've slid into not connecting. Healthy, connected relationships don’t just happen. The good stuff takes a lot of time and effort, sometimes we don’t have any margin left for it. It's understandable, as much as we know DD is worth it... it's just not advisable while recovering from surgery and taking pain meds every 4 hours!

I've settled into my grumpy bossy pants. We’ve been processing our stress internally, knowing the other is tired and annoyed with it all too. Spanking would absolutely have not been safe so it’s not a complaint that either of us have been slacking.

But I’ve recovered though and the reckoning is coming. Coming just in time for the holidays where DD is so very, very required!

I've just assumed Dominic knows how flustered and out of control I've felt, how overwhelmed I am just grocery shopping or anxiety over our children’s Thanksgiving outfits. (Absolutely absurd. Did your mothers have you in special outfits for Thanksgiving? Mine never did!) 

All the slip ups aside, our biggest challenge will be getting back into checking in- me going to him and telling him I need am off kilter. Us taking the effort to use a few minutes to reconnect even if it's only a few minutes. It's tempting if we do have an hour to catch up on shows, go to dinner, or do laundry... not focus on our roles.

During the day I'll think how I really miss an intense, round the clock dynamic and the accountability. By night time, I'm not sure what day it is or if I have the energy to brush my teeth though. I do know I've pushed Dominic to the end of his patience with my smart mouth so the reckoning is coming... at least I don't have to sit through Thanksgiving Dinner. The up and down of keeping children fed and happy at family gatherings means I won't sit more than a few minutes anyway! 

Hot Exciting Nights!

The small people in our home are finally asleep.  One child in particular has decided sleep is something they've done plenty of in life and see no reason to mess with it each night.  It's quite darling.

We stumble into our room and had the most exciting, connecting conversation as we prepared for bed.

Husband: I thought about stopping at Redbox on my way home tonight.
Me: Why? Were you wanting to make a donation?
Husband: Yeah, I didn't stop. I laughed. 

I flop onto my side of the bed. 

Me: Are you reading or do you want me to turn off the light?

Husband: mumbles incoherently... already asleep.

Tis the Season, we aren't unique. Friends liking different articles called "Dear Husband, I miss you" remind me of our isolated solidarity in my social media feed.  There are so many of them! This one is good... and this one! Everyone is worn and tattered from parenthood!)

Another ttwd blogger shared the same weariness here... It's just life right now. But the small people we've been entrusted to raise are thriving, growing, learning so our weird, half-finished conversations aren't totally in vain.

Summer, you're dismissed.

September, I love what you bring but this year is especially wonderful... Outlander is here! A friend spied this magazine in a waiting room. She didn't know those "time travel books had a sexy love story." Oh what a tale she is missing!

September also brought a rare couple outing! Dominic and I had the glorious treat of a trip to the home improvement store and grocery store! (Pinterest that hot date night idea!) Aren't these trips easier when your dynamic changes?

My back is doing just fine since I haven't bent over a thing since that mishap. I am missing that connection fiercely. Our back to school transition has had some major hiccups and adjustments. While not appropriate to dive into here, I will say that I have the utmost respect for those in the teaching profession. It is hard work and I know even harder with all the changes in the world, funding, curriculum, national mandates, testing, etc, etc. We've luckily had phenomenal teachers who truly felt called to the classroom to mold young minds. Unfortunately we've run into one who fits those rude viral posts disparaging teachers. The past few weeks have been non-stop figuring out how to improve the situation and then research our options and make a big change after barely a month of school.

Those big decisions impacting children have made for some testy times. I'd use those Hurricane Madeline analogies, but with so many suffering from Harvey, Irma, Jose, and Katia, that seems quite insensitive. What a horrible storm season!

This kid around needed a considerable amount of attention from us after school, her sleep was disrupted, and we're off to work during the day. Having big discussions in passing makes for a stressful environment. We feel good about where this situation ended up, made some big adjustments for us in our budget that we ended up with time to discuss eventually. But we're blessed to have schooling options where we live and have room to tighten our budget at all.

Obviously for our child's sake, I'm praying this all works out. For other reasons, we need some calm here, some time at night for Dominic and I to at least finish a sentence or two, maybe even watch TV together? Dreaming big, perhaps we'll have time to figure out the positions you've all suggested!

This dynamic requires some margin to do well. Very little time together makes it easy to feel like adversaries when you have different views and solutions. Things we can discuss and together find a good answer for seem like huge problems without that time.

Summer, I'm officially kicking you out. Along with the fantastic line up of new seasons you'll bring, (Poldark comes back next month!), I need a bit cooler weather, pumpkin patch field trips, fall festivals, and happy settled and secure children. All these things will be much more enjoyable if I'm regularly well-spanked.

More than a pain in the butt.

My backside isn't the only thing suffering when I'm in hot water. Lately I've felt my back slightly protest when I'm over Dominic's lap, flat on the bed, or leaning over. We'd eliminated anything flat on the bed and leaning over the bed seemed to not be as bad. By bedtime last night, my back had been bothering me more frequently. I'd tried to be more active, stretch, etc. I didn't realize my frequent leaning over was causing the pain until I started to lean over the bed and froze. My mid-back had pulled and didn't want to let go. It was better when I stood up, so we adjusted some pillows and bedding and let the spanking begin. 

My back was happily supported, until it wasn't at all. I mentioned to Dominic that the pillows were sinking and my back wasn't being held up. He said just a little more, almost done, and kept going.  I said this very calmly and didn't attempt to move from position. I'm not exactly comfortable during a spanking, but this felt different. I wasn't happy he was going to keep going, but thought "well maybe it'll be okay, maybe this seems worse because my back and butt hurt now." But a particularly wicked swat made me jump forward just enough that the damage was done. My back knifed me. I burst into screaming tears. Dominic tried to calm me but my back was in so much pain I couldn't process anything he said. I didn't want to stand or move but curling up hurt too. I've never reacted to a spanking like that so he knew this wasn't me boo hooing over a sore butt. He really hadn't got much spanking in at all before this meltdown. He got me settled in after some helpful stretching and a heating pad. 

So that's your free Public Service Announcement. Don't keep bending over if your back is a little annoyed by it. Eventually, it'll be very angry about it!

What's the magic position in your house that keeps angry joints and muscles from rioting? Our bed is probably a bit too low to be leaning over, the back of the couch may be up next.  

All the fuss about Inconsistency.

Happy Friday! 

I've finally found a moment to myself after this breakneck week. Parenting kids through transition is not for the faint of heart. We've not gotten it right 100% of the time, but everyone is surviving and it's finally the weekend! 

A bit of a whine, was anyone else a little over the eclipse hype? It was very neat to watch and the math behind calculating the path/time/totality/etc blows my mind. But the hype... I'm too tired for that! 

I sent Dominic this hilarious comedy clip "The Nothing Box." I remain amazed by his ability to decide to not think about anything at all! I'm not being mean, I'm impressed and wish I could access this magic Nothing Box! Our brief laugh over the video was the extent of our conversation one night. Our jobs have called for more energy, the children needed more of us, very little time left for a hello, let alone the good spanking I regularly require.

During early days of ttwd, I felt threatened and insecure by "inconsistency." Various blogs and "how to" sites warned against letting inconsistency doom your dynamic. While I glow and thrive in Dominic's leadership, it's an unrealistic standard to prioritize particularly in this season of life. Our frustrations when infractions could not be dealt with led to some breaks during our time in this dynamic. While our roles were not completely absent, good lengths of time might pass where my tongue ran unleashed, we bickered... settling back into more pre-ttwd ways. We'd snap out of it eventually and press on.  After our last unintentional break, we acknowledged very intentional communication was required to keep us from sliding into another drought. 

While this summer has been q u i t e consistent, other responsibilities came first this week.  We know if I'd been given a reminder when my tone slipped early in the week, my tone would have been much more respectful all week. In the early days of ttwd, I'd have been hurt and frustrated that he didn't address my infraction right away. While I've not been punished, we are both aware that the issue happened, that it's not okay, and the only reason I'm not paying for it this very minute is because of life. 

I cannot force us to prioritize a spanking over sleep. Yes, a good spanking and post-spanking activities will often give me wonderful sleep. We're running the marathon of life on fumes this week so discipline can wait until we've slept. Theres's only so much sleep to begin with when the last child finally falls asleep around 10 PM, you know another will be in your room by 1:30 AM, and alarms start blaring in the 5 AM window...) 

Dominic works well more than 40 hours a week and thankfully is very engaged with raising our kids, the endless tasks that come with home & car ownership, sharing the load of housework with me, and killing whatever wasp I'm convinced is attacking us all. (I believe it's known as "adulting" these days). 🤦 While everyone blessedly fell asleep early tonight, I have to respect that he needs to decompress so he can lead well. I don't know about you, but I would rather not go over the knee of a exhausted, frustrated spanker.

The spanking I've earned will come, I am 100% confident of that. We rarely go this long without some kind of spanking, but it is what it is. It's not a referendum on our commitment to this dynamic. Yes, I'd really rather have gotten spanked Sunday than await and anticipate. But that's what this dynamic looks like this week. Accepting these types of weeks and pressing on in spite of things not being exactly what we think it should be is the grace required for ttwd to be part of who we are, not a thing we try to do a certain way. 

Hurricane Deterrent, not recommended for oceans.

In our ttwd journey, I've received untold numbers of spankings, with many discussions about our dynamic and how I'm processing those spankings. We exchange feedback on effectiveness of implements, positioning, formality of punishment vs. reminders, how frequently do I need him to check-in, what kind of post-spanking TLC is best?

Identifying what type of attention I need is mostly not difficult. Fun spankings are fun! Fun, sexy spanking lacks the heightened drama of a punishment, as all is well. Reminders are what they are, maybe we're in a house full of people, or on vacation with the children and I'm slipping out of my role. Easy enough to put me on notice. Attitude adjustments are a bit of a reset, but I've not gone too far over the line.

I've provided ample opportunities for Dominic to read my body, evaluate how I respond to punishment. Plenty of tales from that front. As all good things take time, some things like stress relief, have remained a work in progress. Figuring out best practices for us in this dynamic is a good, good use of our time.

While spanking is a stress relief for me, I had not been spanked solely for the purpose of calming my brain to help me with stress. I usually run straight ahead to trouble! I've read posts where this has been very effective for some of you. I've also read too good to be true versions in Kindle romance stories! We've read what works for others. But we're all uniquely wired. To prevent Hurricane Madeline from making landfall, we both have to understand how & why my storms build.

When I might need a preventative spanking to address the ever burgeoning stress in life has been hard to identify.  I don't realize I've started to spiral emotionally until I'm already pulling away. I'm aware of how unhelpful this is... I've not been able, until recently, to clearly articulate to Dominic why him having and enforcing high expectations is so helpful for me. His leadership as HOH as grown as I've articulated the why. As my understanding of us and this dynamic has evolved, I've been able to give him more feedback as to why I benefit from his decision making and physically feeling that I am his. When new to this dynamic, my feedback was vague and muddled. Then I'd wonder why he was inconsistent or hesitant with me.

As we're at a point in ttwd I could have never imagined us getting to in those days, I know we are only here because we used our words. 

The past few weeks of life have been frustrating and exhausting. However, the subsequent meltdown provided a much needed catalyst to discuss how exactly he prevents severe storm damage. The weather channel says early warnings and ability to distinguish different types of storms are critical for hurricane preparedness, so we've done our homework!

While I recognize that my communicating more often and more clearly is critical, there are signs as clear as an increased ocean swell that I need some help. When the edge is creeping in my voice and I'm obviously biting back a snippy retort, stress relief is needed. If left unchecked, the chances are pretty high I'll dig myself in deeper.  Same for when I'm distant and answer his "How are you?" with the infamous "I'm fine." This response is likely accompanied by my avoiding eye contact, fascinated with the suds in the sink. When I've let my spinning brain win, I'll curl up in bed away from him and not budge when he curls up next to me. (How cringe inducing to type out! I know I do these things, but here's my brattiness in all its glory!)

Sometimes stress is best handled by a long bath, weeding the garden in silence, eating a treat I don't have to parcel and share with little hands, or sleeping an extra 20 minutes. Yet even if magic pixie dust gave everyone in our home 12 hours of sleep per night, I'd still need a good spanking just because that's the thing I need.

We knew we were long past a bubble bath calming me down. I needed him.

So we discussed, with me giving more input than I would before any other spanking.  I sank into a zen-like relief, mixed with fire from his belt, because he spanked just to show me he's here, that he recognized I felt crazy and everything will be okay. As I pull back when I need him the most, the vulnerability of being bent over the bed for him to methodically spank shredded any illusion I have that I can hide. The message was not that I was in trouble for pulling back, but with every new wave of fire, drilling in a message I could believe in my core: I don't need to hide from him.

This spanking wasn't an archaic mean husband trying to break his weak wife of an undesired behavior. This was him treasuring me so deeply that he went to this place I needed from him because I so badly needed relief from the emotional spiral weighing me down. While an impressively powerful spanking, it still can't change the circumstances of our stressors. It can bring me to a place of surrender where I connect to him at a deeper level. Spanking brings out my surrender to not only letting him in, but craving him. Strengthening our bond makes every single life circumstance easier to handle.

The habits I brought into our marriage have been developed over my lifetime.  My defense mechanisms of shooting my mouth off or pulling back have nothing to do with my husband. Those habits are hard wired, but his hand on my butt is harder! When he spanks, he's fighting for me and I am reminded of very important truths about us.

1. He loves me, for better or worse, sane or off the wall crazy. 
2. He expects and believes I'm capable of better.
3. Most importantly, he is demanding I let him help me. He's doesn't expect me to cope or shake off bad emotional habits on my own. But he will not leave me in that fight alone.

We've gotten 3-4 hours a sleep every night this week. In the midst of this, he made time to give me an outlet to process my overwhelmed state. He spanked over the bed instead of the couch he uses when I'm in trouble. He clearly distinguished that no, I was not "in trouble." He was lighting this fire solely to help me settle in to face whatever came at us the next day and I had better speak up if it was not helping.  

It helped. 

Tremendously. 

The rest of the week was not any quieter, we didn't get more sleep, our days were full. But I felt settled in, mind quieted. He commented tonight that I'd handled an issue very calmly. I certainly wasn't signing off on that issue, it's really frustrating.  But I felt calmer and in control. I realized he wasn't the only one giving in this spanking. I felt better because he'd given me an opportunity to give myself to him and show him I trust him to take care of me when I am not at my best. 

I suppose this stress relief spanking is a bit like a chiropractor visit, I'm back in alignment with him. 

Cyclone of Chaos F5

Homer's Iliad references the dog days of summer in association with astronomical events. The rising of this star was associated with war and disaster.

So, a month historically associated with crazy animals, the wobbling of earth, rising stars, and disasters is naturally a spank-filled month in our marriage.

We're in the thick of the never ending back to school to-dos: shopping lists, dental appointments, physicals. Friends and family hosting end of summer soirées. I feel this unspoken societal expectation that mothers of young children are responsible for the needs of everyone in their extended families. Dominic is incredibly helpful, I am not here to whine.  We're still figuring out which areas each of us should manage. The mental workload of managing the house and kids defaulted to me as I just dove into those things. It seemed like my role. I gladly wrangle it all, but it's not sustainable. Be it wicked hormones, hard moments with kids, extended family requests or busy times at work, it's easy for me to lose all sanity.  Dominic will always help, but he doesn't see all the small ways I let my own self-care slip until I'm an emotional wreck. I know we're in the thick of a hard and fun season. I know its a fleeting season and we'll mostly remember the highlights.

That said, it makes for tricky ttwd. This past weekend was a bit too much busy for us. We know too busy makes for crazy, so we usually aim for one weekend day for home. While we enjoyed end of summer cook-outs and final summer swimming excursions, I was didn't start the work week feeling recharged.

I hit the ground running at work, daycare drop-offs, dry cleaning pickups over the lunch hour instead of eating, rushing home to find a leaky refrigerator. By 7:00 PM, I was in tears. Dinner to bedtime requires A-game from both parents, so this didn't set us up for success.

Earlier that day, Dominic very unintentionally hurt my feelings. I'm not blogging the details, he feels horrible about it and I certainly don't need to tear him down. This isn't a fantasy land romance novel, sometimes one of us drops the ball and it's life.

But, I had no margin to just let it go. During our time in this dynamic I've become much more aware of and comfortable in softer emotions. I skipped the "hurt to anger" cycle and just stayed hurt. I tried to be respectful but quickly spiraled into nonsensical blubbering.

Monthly hormones added a shot of heightened drama to this cyclone of chaos. This also happened a few days after I'd received a significant punishment. Implements speak to each of us in different ways. He'd used my most dreaded implement, a large wooden paddle. I only associate this paddle with behavior correction. Wood isn't brought out for fun or preventative stress relief. Dominic has a few things he does to make a punishment very different other types of spankings. So I'd felt rightfully punished.

I'm aware of the concept of subdrop, but because I'd been punished I didn't associate the spanking with kink. I didn't realize I have even placed subdrop on the strictly kinky shelf.  My feelings surrounding the spanking were not kinky. They were ones of chastisement, shame for the behavior that had landed me over his knee, feeling bad we were spending time dealing with that rather than the other things he could have been doing. Spanking is so frequent for us, but serious punishments are very few and far between. (Thankfully!!). I wasn't aware that I might want to check myself before acting any passing feelings or moods. Not every mood that stops by is a welcome guest.

I am also pouring a lot of myself out these next few weeks as kids head back to school. Parenting kids through transitions is big league time. Part of the appeal of Dominic spanking me is my brain is not amending a grocery list, figuring out how to get a car to the shop, make it to 3 meetings, shuttle a kid to an activity and thaw meat in time for dinner. All brain function focuses on him and the fire lit on my butt. I'm not taking care of anyone else for this precious time, he's 100% focused on taking care of me. That connection can carry me through some of the times where he isn't physically here or I do have to wrangle something on my own.  I can't pour from an empty pitcher, regular refills required. I realized I had worked myself into this frenzy viewing all of our coming tasks as mine to deal with and mine alone. I didn't see him in the trenches with me. When I'm not sleep deprived late at night, I know that's just not true.

I've gleaned from lurking on your blogs that we all have different descriptions for the variety of spankings received. The term "Good Girl Spanking" does not apply here. What do you call a spanking delivered because your brain keeps spinning and spinning, the to-do list is all your eyes can see, you feel fragile and crazy all at the same time? Oh and while that's being addressed, there are female hormones to keep at bay? The spanking that has to be given because he abso-freaking-lutely is going to make sure his wife never again thinks the pull of the moon, PMS and a full calendar is an acceptable reason to doubt that he's doing the hard work of life with me?

There likely won't be a name for this particular message at my house. Dominic does his HOH thing without his wife's level of commentary.

Spin Cycle on Repeat

In my lurking on ttwd blogs, I wondered why so many were ahead of my season in life. We are in our 30s, with small kids underfoot. I haven't seen much of that in blogland. 

I recently had a lightbulb moment on why that is. This dynamic takes time and energy. Scarcities in our season of life. It's rare when all things are running seamlessly here. A ball is getting dropped or there. I grow frustrated when ttwd is on the back burner because it feels like we've put US on hold. The times I need to be taken care of the most are when we have the least amount of time to deal. 

Transition periods with our kids are horrifically hard. It's not possible to refill me often enough to keep pouring into them. It's easy to default to knowing I'll get by without any needs being met. But right now, I'm too tired to throw the fit I feel looming. Is this growth that I'm not slamming doors? Or a sign of how exhausted I am to be this resigned I am to things being hard? I'm not yelling or even pretending everything's fine. I'm tired, this week sucks, I want to let a lot of things go, but I'm just too tired. So mentally tired that I can't even say I know how this will end... he's burned out too. 

I know this season is fleeting, but some days we go from good to 6 feet under, drowning without realizing we've left solid land.  

The disease of busy 1, my sanity 0. 

"Everything's Fine" = spanked and spanked some more.

Our flower beds and plants made it a long time this year. It's hot, we're busy, busy, busy like everyone else. Drying swimsuits, getting kids' bags ready for the next day of activities and appointments, feeding everyone and sort of keeping up with laundry has things like flower beds really low on my to-do list.

To pull in and out of the driveway, the flowers looked fine. They were mostly blooming, some wilting in the heat, but still colorful. 

So I haven't messed with the weeds, we sporadically water when it doesn't rain. I sat down one afternoon after noticing the weeds spilling over the brick edge. I found holes in all of the flowers. Some petals eaten all the way through. I dug around enough and the nasty green grub worms made their appearance. Eventually I realized the flowers weren't lasting much longer because the worms had taken over and eaten the roots of the plants. The next gust of wind blew up long uprooted flowers. 

The worms and weeds came in a door left open by the curse of "Fine."  Everything looked fine, so other things get prioritized. 

The boss and I go through spells where I'm not actually in trouble, I'm not deliberately disobedient, I'm not quite disrespectful. But there's an edge building. From a distance, I seem to be doing OK. My behavior will finally rub him the wrong way and he realizes it's time. And my fate is sealed.

Those spankings start with me struggling to focus on him and get into a requested position. While he tries to address why we're here, he starts with his hand. I'll settle in and relax into him, responding to his periodically questions and to reviewing expectations, wanting my feedback on how we are doing. I always end up admitting I felt like I needed this X number of weeks or days ago. And he reassures me that yes, I probably did but I wasn't doing too bad. 

I don't like being held to a standard of "not that bad."  I'll readily admit not being excited when punishment implements come out. Yes, I admit to fussing about it or pouting when he reaches for my hairbrush. But emotionally, it's more damaging when I'm let off the hook. 

Some weeks I need a whole lot of him. I need his eyes on me, firm tones, my chin in his hand, forehead kisses, a grip on my ponytail, or pokes & smacks in other places ;) Those physical reminders that he's the boss, he's not going to let me fall. But I often forget to tell him when I need that from him. When I don't think there's anything he can do about a nonstop schedule, why say anything? I work it all out in my head and hide a little more. 

Sighs accompanied by "doing okay" and "it'll be fine" are big red flags.  An explosion is bound to happen or the stars align and we have time to reset. 

Our most recent reset was long overdue. I hadn't been spanked in awhile and we'd been short of time to just sit and talk. So not TWO measly days after a session with his multiple implements,  I found myself once again sleeping on my stomach. No broken rules or bad attitude, but because I'm calmer when recently spanked. My husband didn't want a snappy wife ruining everyone's last weekend of summer. So I went back over his knee and will likely be there again tonight.  I am embarassed to admit, laying over his lap is one of my favorite places to be. Hiding my feelings isn't possible when my bare ass is at his mercy. I'm not shy about being naked in front of him, but its hard to describe the humbling vulnerability I feel when I'm exposed like that.  Ridiculous to even try to maintain some decorum while dangling from his legs...

When I want "more, more, more" dominance from him, I don't get it when I'm flustered and blustering that he didn't enforce a rule. I get a pissed off husband. What I want by more is him comfortable and confident that he can make decision and I'll follow. Complying with his discipline, not fighting the spanking and telling him I need time with him... that is helpful. Mid-spanking, in an intense position, I realized how still I was. I wasn't focused on the pain, which was seriously no joke. This wasn't a playful hand spanking. He'd moved me to my knees on our bed, my butt in the air, my hands holding my ankles, face down in the mattress. This position is painful, a lot more gets covered than just my butt! I stayed still, my brain finally, thankfully stopped spiraling. I was shocked the next morning to realize I'd gotten to that zone of accepting whatever he wanted me to take.

We are far past our early days, when we didn't really understanding why being punished would be appealing, but it worked...  Trial and error in this journey has us sold and convinced that regular check-ins, discipline for the purpose of to reconnection and keeping us in our roles, is something we both need so much.  I can go awhile between punishments, but I settle into fine, work problems out in my head and eventually hide from him.  I can know from day to day that yes, if I text and drive, he's going to wear me out.  Regular "Just because he can, just because its what I need" spankings are what makes the difference for me obeying b/c being punished sucks versus not even considering whichever choice he would disapprove of. That's taken some time to figure out together. I used to think "fine" was the goal. To go as far as I could without being punished. But that turned into, how long can i hide? How long can I pretend all the things are fine? I need him, and that's OKAY.  Needing him means I need to physically feel him establish dominance over me, to feel it de deeply and in a deep vulnerable place I would often rather hide, that he considers me his. To be reminded when I try to sit that he took the time to take care of me. When my underwear snags a sore spot, I wince, but smile at how it was earned. When he uses a toy that I might like more than he does, just for the result of a sighing wife, I know. and I remember it all day long.

I need spanked a lot. I just do. Even if I've been significantly punished a few days before, I need back over his lap to reconnect with the reality that he's in charge. I don't need the spanking of my life everytime, I just need him taking over. How do I question that he's in charge when I'm on my knees or naked over his lap? I know and feel those facts.

It's impossible to hide any feelings or thoughts while I'm over his lap. Do I want paddled? Well, no. but I love that he will do it. That he doesn't want to hurt me, but he'll break a wooden spoon over my butt to keep me safe. I love when he doesn't hesitate a bit to take me, correct me, redirect my attention and energy.  I take care of a lot of things nearly 24 hours a day. I don't remember to take care of me too. The more often we connect, the more I feel fully his, all day long, no matter what the day brings.

Admitting how much I benefit from that him being the boss of me is yes, a whole lot more nights in humbling positions and soreness, not getting my way when in the moment I really don't understand why, and yessss I'm dying a little realizing he's going to read this and remind me of this...  and that's abso-freaking-lutely worth key keeping us out of the rut of everything's fine.  I know he doesn't want to hurt me or wish a single bad thing to happen, and he'll do anything, whether that's taking extra work to cover unexpected bills or doubling over his belt, to keep us connected.

A hello and introduction.

The internet scares me.

Yes, I posted that on the internet.

They say the true cost of something is the amount of peace and life you give up for it.  So I pro-con making an account on a forum and joining conversations.  The cons win. It frustrates me. I really wish I could talk openly, in real life, about the secret to success in my marriage. I'm hopeful this blog doesn't result in nasty comments or judgement. If you're looking for a fight, head to Twitter. That sort of thing seems to be en vogue there.

Our thing that gives me power to say no to things that don't add value to my life, my sanity, my marriage, my family, etc is a choice we made, a concept I advocated for... 100% safe & consensual.

It's the thing that's given me confidence in responding to that voice in the back of my head when I know something isn't right for me. When I know there will be negative consequences down the road, that there will be a physical or emotional toll if I stay on that path.

I hesitate to say we "do" any one type of "thing". How do you label the back and forth communication in a marriage? Someone always has the power. Sometimes a couple agrees quickly and moves on. Other times there's a tension, a power struggle, and someone has to make the final call.

I adamantly refused to vow to obey my husband. I had to get my way in all the things, all the time in order to be a modern, independent woman.  I made my little stand, but in all reality,  my attitude, tone, behavior, spending and time commitments already reflected the influence of the man I'd fallen in love with. I omitted that little word, but 24 hours after our marriage, we ordered a pizza at our hotel. I responded with my maiden name to the kid taking our order.  My husband told me to try again. I grinned and corrected the name on our order.  I liked how we fit each other into our lives. I'd never heard of any of the terms that bring people to blogs like this. I didn't know there was a label for the little power exchanges happening all day long.

I did know something for absolute certainty: despite any fits and fussing from me anywhere else, despite his full support and respect for my professional goals, when he took me to bed, I was his. He was in tune with me from the beginning, watching me, reading me, adjusting to give me what I needed. He prodded feedback from me, ultimately resulting in my sharing a long-secret desire to go over his knee.

But life and parenting keep happening. A light erotic spank here and there. Depending on stages of pregnancy, recovery, hormone adjustments, toddlers in our bed, sometimes we felt like co-managers of the Kingdom of Small Children Who Never Sleep.

And yes, the book about the Seattle billionaire triggered a conversation. The book drove me a bit crazy, but I couldn't put it down. So I looked for others like it....

and hello to all of you, spanko-s of the internet! I had no idea you existed! I found books, blogs, very in-depth websites, etc!

When we hit a point where our marriage and home life needed a RESET, I started talking to him about the things I kept finding online. We were at the peak of my scheduling our family at a nonsensical level of busy, the children weren't getting enough of either of us,  we weren't getting enough of each other, I had zero margin in my mind or jampacked day to graciously handle a dropped bowl of cereal.

I hungered for the calm bloggers claimed to experience, the peace when marriages had one captain at the helm.

I shared e-books and links with my husband. I nudged him to learn more about these people practicing what they called "Domestic Discipline", or d/S, some of you called it TTWD. I loved the blogs about Dominance and Submission and the e-books that covered so many varieties of how couples practiced this. I shared which scenes sounded like fun, did they sound hot or more seriously, some of these rules and expectations might help me.  Yes, this man taking me in hand and handing him the reins sounded hot in my head. Adding these elements in reality scared me a little. As we went further down this road, I realized it was a tool to help us fully be each others. I hide when I feel off, insecure, not enough. I pretend things are fine and if I just try a little harder, everything will be perfect. My choices become what I think he'll want rather than discussing my needs, all the things in life that happened before we found each other and impact who we are, I try to hid that. A perfectly cooked favorite meal and perky attitude will make him happy, will make me a good wife, right?

No.

Because hide and seek always ends... Something triggers a cutting remark or eye roll. I stomp through the bathroom and fling a towel in a huff.  And it all comes tumbling out.

Intentionally acknowledging we do best when he leads and I trust him has cut through the guessing games. These dramas are incredibly short lived at our house now. My moods come and go, as do his. But I start talking faster.  He calls foul on the crap before it really gets going. I bite my tongue more often and ask myself why I'm so bent out of shape. Is it really a basketball game? Is it really him staying up late on his computer in the den? Am I really that mad he didn't take out the trash?

I'm not sure what you could say we do. How do I say, "I've been his submissive since X day." or "We've practiced this dynamic for X years." I've known this man since 2006. He eventually became my husband, the father of my children. I can put a date on the first time we discussed rules in a formal, intentional way.  We have children who do what all children do: require everything we've got to teach them how to be human. Sometimes they need us when we'd really love to have some time before bed to reconnect.

We have rules, we have consequences, we know which days of my cycle call for stress relief, which weeks I may need a bit more grace and when all hell will break loose if I'm not on a very short leash. But it's his call to make.

I'd like this to be an outlet for those days when I'd love to be able to share my frustrations, lessons learned, and funny stories from my never ending quest to practice submission. If this isn't your thing, then move along... There's a lot of negativity in this world, nothing gained by adding to it, right?